***I DON’T HAVE FIFA’S PRIOR WRITTEN CONSENT TO USE, TALK, THINK OR EVEN YELL AT RANDOS FROM MY BALCONY ABOUT ANY NAMES, COUNTRIES OR EVENTS MENTIONED IN MY FIFA WORLD CUP QATAR 2022 COVERAGE, SO FOR COPYRIGHT REASONS FROM HERE ON IN, THE EVENT WILL BE REFERRED TO AS QLAMQTAR 2022.***
The Qlamqtar 2022 World Cup is only about two moons away (depending on your own set of lunar circumstances) and the first ever World Cup held in the Arab world promises to be a real doozy. World Cup history is a tale resplendent with stories of triumph against the odds, childhood dreams coming true and unsung heroes becoming legends. As well as dumb idiot losers, wanker fuck ups and teams that are just total bullshit.
But how shall ye learn about these legends, losers and teams that are just total bullshit? Well look no further my wayward friend as I profile all 211 FIFA nations eligible for World Cup qualification. Today, I take a look at the Netherlands, which has qualified for the World Cup on 11 occasions.
NETHERLANDS
Pioneers of Total Fuck-You-Up Ball
Nickname: Oranje
FIFA Ranking: 8 (August 2022)
FIFA World Cup 2022 Qualification result: Qualified top of group (UEFA) ahead of Turkey, Norway, Montenegro and Latvia
The national team of the Netherlands is known for inventing a revolutionary tactical system whereby no outfield players have a fixed position and every single player can play the role of defender, midfielder or attacker, depending on where they’re required around the field. However, Oranje are most known for pioneering Total Fuck-you-up Football, a gameplan which it first trialled at the 2006 World Cup against Portugal and then unleashed full bore in the World Cup final in 2010.
Total Fuck-you-up football consists of every player on the Dutch team forgetting about the ball and going out to either decapitate, eviscerate, snap the legs or attempt to flykick opposition players in the chest or throat with the intention to cause serious injury or, fingers crossed, manslaughter. Should all Dutch players successfully fulfil their duties in maiming as many players as intended, they would then win the match by forfeit due to its rival not being able to field enough players because of serious injury and/or hospitalisation/emergency limb or eyeball salvage surgery.
The implementation of this new tactic was a far cry from the entertaining Total Football employed by the formidable Dutch and Ajax teams of the 1970s. But whereas those teams attempted to win the game by scoring more goals than its opponent–an approach that helped the Netherlands reach two consecutive World Cup finals in 1974 and 1978–the Dutch World Cup sides of 2006 and 2010 took a different approach, attempting to win the game by doing more flykicks to the throat than its opponent. This did help the Dutch defeat Uruguay in the semi-finals and reach the final of the 2010 World Cup in South Africa, but ultimately it wasn’t able to get them over the final hurdle.
Nowadays, the Dutch have moved on from the ways of their predecessors, and at the 2014 World Cup the side unveiled a sparkling new approach: try to bore the opponent to death. Once again, the Netherlands’ plan of attack almost yielded the ultimate reward, however they fell to Argentina in the semi-finals, after boring everyone including themselves into submission. Now back at the World Cup for the first time since 2014, the Netherlands once again carry great expectations, however, if the Total Bore-everyone-shitless football it now favours is anything like its dismal effort against the Czech Republic in the round of 16 at Euro 2020, best start looking ahead to 2026.
One to watch: Jaap Stam’s penalty that appears to still be in outer space
In 2000, the Netherlands (along with Belgium) hosted its first ever major senior international football tournament. With the team on a high after a semi-final finish at the World Cup only two years earlier, and its key players such as Patrick Kluivert, Marc Overmars, Jaap Stam and Edwin van der Sar at the top of their games at club level, conditions for a Dutch triumph (and a second Euro win) had never been better.
The Dutch rolled through the group stage in 2nd gear, even knocking off the World Champions (and eventual winners) France, before a 6-1 defeat of Yugoslavia in the quarter finals set up an epic semi-final against Italy. Cue Benny Hill music:
Against the Italians, the Dutch dominated. In the first half, Italy had a man sent off. The Dutch peppered the Italian goal. Then they won a penalty, should be one-nil… NO, SAVED. The Italians survived. Then, in the second half the Dutch won another penalty. This time it was Patrick Kluivert who stepped up… POST and OUT. Still nil-nil. Italy withstood the Dutch onslaught, managed to cling on and force the game to penalties. The Italians put theirs away clinically, while the Dutch, much like during the match, miffed theirs (with Frank De Boer blowing it again) and as they inevitably bumbled their one and only chance in our lifetime of winning a tournament hosted on their home turf, this was the clincher…
Jaap Stam stepped up to the spot, but instead of striking the ball on target he proceeded to launch the ball up and out of the earth’s troposphere towards the moon. Now, it’s 22 years later and the ball has still not returned to earth, so wherever you are, particularly in the Lowlands of northern Europe just keep a heads up, because it could come down at any minute now.
The Highpoint: Runners-up 1974, 1978 and 2010 World Cups
After mesmerising the world with their dazzling revolutionary Total Football at two World Cups in the 1970s, it still wasn’t enough for the Dutch to bring home a World Cup trophy for the Dutch. So what’s the best thing to do if this happens? Why, grant independence to your South American colony of course, which in turn destabilises all its socio-economic systems forcing its citizens to choose to either stay and struggle in a fledgling new nation or flee half way across the world to your European territory, incidentally bringing all the best football talent with them (Don’t suppose a thank you to Suriname for doing that’s in order, is it Netherlands?).
It wouldn’t kill AC Milan, Barcelona, Chelsea, Ajax and Liverpool (among others) to thank Suriname for Ruud Gullit, Frank Rijkaard, Gerald Vanenburg, Edgar Davids, Clarence Seedorf, Winston Bogarde, Jimmy Floyd Hasselbaink, Aron Winter, Pierre van Hooijdonk, Michel Vorm, Nigel De Jong, Virgil Van Dijk and Gigi Wijnaldum either, would it? They all claimed European Cups with the crucial involvement of Surinamese players, but where’s even a simple thanks, huh? In any case, in the case of the Oranje it literally got them nowhere though, because after fielding teams stacked with players of Surinamese-descent throughout the 90s, 2000s and today, they ended up in the exact same place, rolling their way through a World Cup, even beating Brazil along the way, getting to the final, and then once again blowing it.
Learn the lingo & speak like a local!
Upcoming matches
FIFA WORLD CUP QATAR 2022 | GROUP STAGE
21 Nov 2022
SENEGAL 🇸🇳 x 🇳🇱 NETHERLANDS
25 Nov 2022
NETHERLANDS 🇳🇱 x 🇪🇨 ECUADOR
29 Nov 2022
NETHERLANDS 🇳🇱 x 🇶🇦 QATAR