***I DON’T HAVE FIFA’S PRIOR WRITTEN CONSENT TO USE, TALK, THINK OR EVEN YELL AT RANDOS FROM MY BALCONY ABOUT ANY NAMES, COUNTRIES OR EVENTS MENTIONED IN MY FIFA WORLD CUP QATAR 2022 COVERAGE, SO FOR COPYRIGHT REASONS FROM HERE ON IN, THE EVENT WILL BE REFERRED TO AS QLAMQTAR 2022.***
The Qlamqtar 2022 World Cup’s only about 14 moons away (depending on your own set of lunar circumstances), and the first ever World Cup held in the Arab world promises to be a real doozy. World Cup history is a tale resplendent with stories of triumph against the odds, childhood dreams coming true and unsung heroes becoming legends. As well as dumb idiot losers, wanker fuck ups and teams that are just total bullshit.
But how shall ye learn about these legends, losers and teams that are just total bullshit? Well look no further my wayward friend as I profile all 211 FIFA nations eligible for World Cup qualification. Today, I take a look at China, which has qualified for the World Cup once.
CHINA
1.4 billion people, not even 11 decent soccer players
Nickname: Dragon’s Team
FIFA Ranking: 75 (Sep 2021)
FIFA World Cup 2022 Qualification result: Failed to qualify
There are several tiny ass countries (compared to China) around the world that are able to scrounge together a group of competent soccer players. For instance, Iceland has just 360,000 people and they know how to make soccer ball go in net. Hell, Croatia is less than 1/200th the size of China and they’ve made the World Cup Final. If you walk into a supermarket in Rejkavik, Zagreb or even Sarajevo, you’re sure to find at least one cunt who can play the game, but on the flip side, you could swing a dead cat all day and night on a platform at Beijing West Railway Station (which moves 50 million passengers a day) and not hit one person who knows how to play the sport.
One to watch: Dunno, someone, anyone who knows how to do soccer
Seriously, China. Is there even one guy in your country who knows how soccer works? C’mon China, just one measly decent player I mean seriously.
The highpoint: Group stage, World Cup 2002
Riding the wave of intense hype and emotion that surrounded the first ever World Cup held in Asia, China took its place for the first ever time at world football’s showcase. And then they lost all three group games and were eliminated without a whimper and without scoring a goal.
Learn the lingo & speak like a local!
Upcoming matches
World Cup Qualifying | Asia Round 3
Nov 11
China 🇨🇳 x 🇴🇲 Oman
Nov 16
China 🇨🇳 x 🇦🇺 Australia
Jan 27
Japan 🇯🇵 x 🇨🇳 China
Feb 1
Vietnam 🇻🇳 x 🇨🇳 China
Mar 24
China 🇨🇳 x 🇸🇦 Saudi Arabia
Mar 29
Oman 🇴🇲 x 🇨🇳 China