***I DON’T HAVE FIFA’S PRIOR WRITTEN CONSENT TO USE, TALK, THINK OR EVEN YELL AT RANDOS FROM MY BALCONY ABOUT ANY NAMES, COUNTRIES OR EVENTS MENTIONED IN MY FIFA WORLD CUP QATAR 2022 COVERAGE, SO FOR COPYRIGHT REASONS FROM HERE ON IN, THE EVENT WILL BE REFERRED TO AS QLAMQTAR 2022.***

The Qlamqtar 2022 World Cup is a little over one moon away (depending on your own set of lunar circumstances) and the first ever World Cup held in the Arab world promises to be a real doozy. World Cup history is a tale resplendent with stories of triumph against the odds, childhood dreams coming true and unsung heroes becoming legends. As well as dumb idiot losers, wanker fuck ups and teams that are just total bullshit.

But how shall ye learn about these legends, losers and teams that are just total bullshit? Well look no further my wayward friend as I profile all 211 FIFA nations eligible for World Cup qualification. Today, I take a look at Georgia, which is yet to qualify for a World Cup.

GEORGIA
A bit too welcoming to visitors

Nickname: ჯვაროსნები (Jvarosnebi – Crusaders)
FIFA Ranking: 130 (October 2022)
FIFA World Cup 2022 Qualification result: Failed to advance from group stage (UEFA) finishing below Spain, Sweden, Greece, and above Kosovo

In the southern Caucus mountains, in the transcontinental nation of Georgia, hospitality and friendship are valued higher than bravery or even skillful weapon mastery. As such, Georgians believe that guests are a gift from God and will go to any length to make them happy. While this hospitality does wonders for the country’s reputation as a welcoming tourist destination, on the football field this approach has proved much less effective, as whenever they’re someone new in town, the Georgia national team allows visiting teams to do as they please, providing them with as many goals as they desire during their stay in Georgia, pretty much always leaving visitors pleased with the three points they’ve been given, while Georgia’s left to clean up the mess of another match without a win pretty much every single time.

Since gaining independence, Georgia has bent over backwards to give visiting national teams whatever they want, whenever they want–that’s just the Georgian way. This accommodating of its visitors’ every desires (particularly goals) has resulted in Georgia regularly being taken advantage of by its guests, winning a total of just seven World Cup qualifying matches in its own home, and never even finishing in a playoff spot for a World Cup. This sad fact would make any other national team say No more Mr. Nice Guy and put an end to all the pleasantness, but Georgia is just happy that its visitors had a good time while visiting its spectacular country, and it’s always sure to wish them the best on the next stage of their journeys, whether that be to a World Cup or a European Championship.

Given its efforts, one might also expect that the Georgia national team’s welcoming nature would be reciprocated when it goes abroad itself, however much to its disappointment, this has proved not to be the case, as Georgia’s won even fewer World Cup matches when away from home (a total of just 4). And while there’s been days when it’s just not been in the mood to dote on the every whim of its guests, such as a 1997 defeat of Poland (its first ever home World Cup win as an independent nation), a recent defeat of Sweden in 2022 World Cup qualifying or beating Belarus 1-0 when it came to visit for the Euro 2020 qualifying playoff, when it really matters most, like Georgia’s biggest occasion yet–the playoff final of Euro 2020 against North Macedonia, the closest its ever gotten to qualifying for a major tournament–it lets its guest do as they please and let them have all the goals, wins and major tournament berths they wish.

One to watch: your dinner guests’ reaction when you blow their mind with the fact that wine was invented in Georgia

Everyone loves annoying idiots who share bullshit, boring-as-shit factoids about wine–how it’s made, the difference between red wine and champagne, how to drink it properly, all of that shit. But just watch your guests’ faces at the dinner table when you whip out this nugget: ‘Hey hey hey hey hey, guys, did you know (pause)… that wine was invented in Georgia?’ (this must be said verbatim)

Just drop that diamond of a fact on your friends while sipping a glass of the wet red milk known as wine and you’ll surely be known as the queen of the wine knowledge amongst your mates from that moment on!

The Highpoint: Euro 2020 Qualifying playoff final (despite not deserving to be there)

For the first time in its history, the qualifying process for UEAFA Euro 2020 was not only based on team’s results in the qualifying process but also its performance in an external competition–in this case, the UEFA Nations League. And thanks to basically doing nothing (finishing second from bottom of its qualifying group, with wins only against Gibraltar, and finishing atop a Nations League group that also featured Lithuania, Kazakhstan and Latvia), Georgia were two wins away from a spot at a major competition for some reason. They knocked over Belarus at the first hurdle, but then came up against North Macedonia for a spot at Euro 2020, and no one, no one, was going to stop the Almighty Goran Pandev (Glory Be to Him) reaching his first ever major tournament (Glory be).

Learn the lingo & speak like a local!

Upcoming matches

UEFA EURO 2024 QUALIFYING | GROUP STAGE
28 March 2023
GEORGIA 🇬🇪 x 🇳🇴 NORWAY