***I DON’T HAVE FIFA’S PRIOR WRITTEN CONSENT TO USE, TALK, THINK OR EVEN YELL AT RANDOS FROM MY BALCONY ABOUT ANY NAMES, COUNTRIES OR EVENTS MENTIONED IN MY FIFA WORLD CUP QATAR 2022 COVERAGE, SO FOR COPYRIGHT REASONS FROM HERE ON IN, THE EVENT WILL BE REFERRED TO AS QLAMQTAR 2022.***
The Qlamqtar 2022 World Cup’s only about 11 moons away (depending on your own set of lunar circumstances), and the first ever World Cup held in the Arab world promises to be a real doozy. World Cup history is a tale resplendent with stories of triumph against the odds, childhood dreams coming true and unsung heroes becoming legends. As well as dumb idiot losers, wanker fuck ups and teams that are just total bullshit.
But how shall ye learn about these legends, losers and teams that are just total bullshit? Well look no further my wayward friend as I profile all 211 FIFA nations eligible for World Cup qualification. Today, I take a look at South Sudan, Africa’s newest FIFA member and the world’s newest country.
SOUTH SUDAN
Just cross the fucking ball in the air
Nickname: The Bright Stars
FIFA Ranking: 167 (Dec 2021)
South Sudan’s largest ethnic group, the Dinka Tribe are renown for being the tallest in Africa, with a recent study clocking Dinka men at a mean height of 175cm (5ft 9 inches). And despite the fact the Bright Stars have only been competing as an independent nation for little over a decade, their results on the pitch have been plagued by a failure to employ the tactical approach best suited to capitalize on their technical abilities; that being: get the fucking ball, and just fucking cross it in the air. Every goddamn time. As soon as South Sudan stop fucking around by doing bullshit like keeping the ball on the ground or trying to hit teams on the counter attack, and just cut the crap and apply a game plan of doing nothing other than pumping airborne cross after cross into the box for the striker (or whoever else) to get their head to it, the Bright Stars are bound to start desperately clawing their way up the rankings.
One to watch: Manute Bol’s top moment
Oh you’re gonna wanna see this… This was South Sudan’s very own 7-foot-7 center Manute Bol hitting 6 threes in the first half of a 1993 regular season NBA game against the Phoenix Suns:
And what you’re not gonna wanna watch is this, the highlights of the flesh eating virus that caused his death:
The Highpoint: Officially admitted by FIFA as the 209th and latest country with a shitty national soccer team (2012)
Learn the lingo & speak like a local!
Upcoming matches
Nope. Eliminated in the first round of African qualifiers for Qlamqtar 2022.