***I DON’T HAVE FIFA’S PRIOR WRITTEN CONSENT TO USE, TALK, THINK OR EVEN YELL AT RANDOS FROM MY BALCONY ABOUT ANY NAMES, COUNTRIES OR EVENTS MENTIONED IN MY FIFA WORLD CUP QATAR 2022 COVERAGE, SO FOR COPYRIGHT REASONS FROM HERE ON IN, THE EVENT WILL BE REFERRED TO AS QLAMQTAR 2022.***
The Qlamqtar 2022 World Cup is only about three moons away (depending on your own set of lunar circumstances) and the first ever World Cup held in the Arab world promises to be a real doozy. World Cup history is a tale resplendent with stories of triumph against the odds, childhood dreams coming true and unsung heroes becoming legends. As well as dumb idiot losers, wanker fuck ups and teams that are just total bullshit.
But how shall ye learn about these legends, losers and teams that are just total bullshit? Well look no further my wayward friend as I profile all 211 FIFA nations eligible for World Cup qualification. Today, I take a look at US Virgin Islands, which is yet to qualify for a World Cup.
US VIRGIN ISLANDS
Bad, but not British Virgin Islands bad
Nickname: The Dashing Eagle
FIFA Ranking: 208 (June 2022)
FIFA World Cup 2022 Qualification result: Failed to advance from first round group stage (CONCACAF), finishing bottom of group, below El Salvador, Montserrat, Antigua and Barbuda and Grenada
The US Virgin Islands national team is currently ranked fourth last in the world, has only ever won three World Cup qualifying matches and its joint top goalscorers in history both have a miserable total of just three goals. But at least its not the British Virgin Islands.
Having never qualified for the World Cup, the Gold Cup, and having won just three matches in eight total campaigns in something known as the Caribbean Cup, fans of US Virgin Islands can take great comfort in the fact that they are not the British Virgin Islands (aka the icky, gross Virgin Islands), which are ranked a entire one place lower in the FIFA ranking (209th).
The head-to-head ledger between the USVI and BVI sits level at 3 wins a piece and 2 draws, but who cares, because the only matches the yucky Virgin Islands (British ones) have won were meaningless, USVI’s first ever win came against BVI, it eliminated the British Virgin Islands in their most high-profile matchup to date (the first round playoffs in qualifying for the 2014 World Cup) and what’s more, it’s just generally far less icky than British Virgin Islands.
One to watch: Drive on the LEFT. THE LEFT.
That’s right. The LEFT. I know you’re technically in the United States, and you’ve seen Smoky and the Bandit like 500 times, but ignore that, because here in the US Virgin Islands they drive on the left side of the road. A remnant of its time under Danish rule, it’s the left that Virgin Islanders drive on. The LEFT. Not the right. Left.
The Highpoint: Beating the gross Virgin Islands (the British ones) three times
Not sure. I guess these results, defeating British Virgin Islands on three occasions (and on the only one that truly mattered-in the first round playoffs of World Cup 2014 qualifying) are pretty good. I mean, soccer, unlike most sports, soccer isn’t a sport where scoring, or even a single score, is guaranteed. How many other sports do you know that end 0-0? Hmm? Ever seen a basketball game end nil-nil? Baseball? Kabaddi? Yeah exactly. So you know, even though British Virgin Islands are 3rd from rock bottom of the world ranking, a place they’ve occupied for a while now, US Virgin Islands still had to score against them. And I guess it could be worse. They could have lost those games. So there you go. Hooray?
Learn the lingo & speak like a local!
Upcoming matches
CONCACAF NATIONS LEAGUE & CONCACAF GOLD CUP QUALIFYING 2023
25 March 2023
TURKS AND CAICOS ISLANDS 🇹🇨 x 🇻🇮 US VIRGIN ISLANDS
28 March 2023
US VIRGIN ISLANDS 🇻🇮 x 🇸🇽 SINT MAARTEN