***I DON’T HAVE FIFA’S PRIOR WRITTEN CONSENT TO USE, TALK, THINK OR EVEN YELL AT RANDOS FROM MY BALCONY ABOUT ANY NAMES, COUNTRIES OR EVENTS MENTIONED IN MY FIFA WORLD CUP QATAR 2022 COVERAGE, SO FOR COPYRIGHT REASONS FROM HERE ON IN, THE EVENT WILL BE REFERRED TO AS QLAMQTAR 2022.***

The Qlamqtar 2022 World Cup is only about 5 moons away (depending on your own set of lunar circumstances) and the first ever World Cup held in the Arab world promises to be a real doozy. World Cup history is a tale resplendent with stories of triumph against the odds, childhood dreams coming true and unsung heroes becoming legends. As well as dumb idiot losers, wanker fuck ups and teams that are just total bullshit.

But how shall ye learn about these legends, losers and teams that are just total bullshit? Well look no further my wayward friend as I profile all 211 FIFA nations eligible for World Cup qualification. Today, I take a look at New Zealand, which has qualified for the World Cup twice, in 1982 and 2010.

NEW ZEALAND
Half-assing it

Nickname: All Whites
FIFA Ranking: 101 (Mar 2022)
FIFA World Cup 2022 Qualification result: Inter-confederation playoff vs Costa Rica, 13 June 22

Once upon a time, in a mythical place known as New Zealand, the national team known as the All Whites used to have to use their whole ass when attempting to advance to the Finals. But that all changed in 2006, and from now on, just half-assing will do just fine.

During every World Cup qualification attempt up until the 2006 World Cup, the All Whites invariably had to face the might of Australia, having to use their whole ass, in the hope that if everything miraculously comes together on the day, they might not only match it with historically the best resourced and most successful member of the Oceania football confederation (OFC), but maybe even pull off a massive upset. Sadly for the All Whites though, following their qualification for the 1982 World Cup, they would miserably fail to finish above the Socceroos in six straight qualifying campaigns from 1986 until Australia’s final hurrah in the Confederation in OFC qualifying for the 2006 World Cup.

The Socceroos would not only qualify for the 2006 World Cup, but in the same year, it also officially became a member of the Asian Football Confederation. This event officially marked the last ever time that the New Zealand national soccer team would have to give a damn and use their whole ass to attempt to qualify for the World Cup. In Australia’s absence, New Zealand has breezed through to the inter-confederation final in the last three World Cups (winning none of them, with one to come on Tuesday), and things are about to become a shitton cruisier, with Oceania to be granted an automatic World Cup qualification spot, starting with the 2026 World Cup.

So keep an eye out for this pesky bunch of odd-talking nerds, because if you thought the idea of having this pack of duds at a World Cup after playing just two competitive fixtures against quality opposition every four years (or just one, as is the case with the current World Cup campaign), you’re gonna flip out when this team is at the 2026 World Cup having played 0 (Zero, zilch, bupkis) matches against decent opposition (if you don’t consider Solomon Islands decent, that is).

One to watch: The white-only racial policy

The New Zealand national football team first adopted a strict White Only policy during their successful qualification run in the 1982 World Cup. But keep an eye on this one, because its days may be numbered.

When the team took to field for a World Cup qualifier against Taiwan back in 1981, they needed a nickname to represent their new policy, and lo and behold, the nickname All-Whites was born, with the team donning a matching all-white uniform in celebration.

Recent backlash to the policy has lead to calls to drop the All-White requirements, however these moves have been met by opposition and at press time, New Zealand head into their do-or-die World Cup playoff clash with Costa Rica on June 14th still enforcing their All-white strategy.

The Highpoint: Unbeaten (but still lame), 2010 World Cup

Incredibly, New Zealand were the only undefeated team at the 2010 World Cup in South Africa. Not incredibly however, they were knocked out of the tournament about 5 minutes after getting there. With arguably the greatest ever World Cup team (and eventual winners) Spain losing to Switzerland in the group stage, All Whites fans can lay claim to an achievement that no other team in South Africa could. And much like the Spanish side that revolutionised the way the game is played, created a signature style of play that to this day remains the envy of all passing sides and then went on to win the World Cup final, New Zealand only just pulled off a draw with Slovakia, managed another draw against one of the worst Italian sides in World Cup history after being awarded a clear offside goal and then recorded world soccer’s ultimate result–a nil-nil stalemate against Paraguay.

Learn the lingo & speak like a local!

Upcoming matches

FIFA WORLD CUP 2022 QATAR | INTER-CONFEDERATION PLAYOFF
14 June 2022
COSTA RICA 🇨🇷 x 🇳🇿 NEW ZEALAND