SUNSHINE COAST, AUSTRALIA– In a study published this morning in the Australia Journal of Science, scientists’ initial findings that ‘HOLY FUCKING SHIT FUCK ME FUCK ON PISS AND SHIT ON DICK’ were unfounded. Area man Dave Martin had been preparing his application for his dream job with American news source The Onion for weeks, and last night, 11pm Australian time, as he finalised his online application and pressed ‘Submit’, he received an error message notifying him that the position was no longer open. However, fans of science can rejoice because scientists’ initial findings of “‘HOLY FUCKING SHIT FUCK ME FUCK ON PISS AND SHIT ON DICK” and also “GOD FUCKING DAMN IT YOU MOTHERFUCKER GOD I CAN BE A FUCKING IDIOT SOMETIMES FUCKING HELL” were wrong and have been revised to “FUCKING COME ON AND FUCKING YES YOU MOTHERFUCKER FUCK YEAH!!!!” as a last ditch effort to apply made by the man this morning, Australian time, proved successful.