***I DON’T HAVE FIFA’S PRIOR WRITTEN CONSENT TO USE, TALK, THINK OR EVEN YELL AT RANDOS FROM MY BALCONY ABOUT ANY NAMES, COUNTRIES OR EVENTS MENTIONED IN MY FIFA WORLD CUP QATAR 2022 COVERAGE, SO FOR COPYRIGHT REASONS FROM HERE ON IN, THE EVENT WILL BE REFERRED TO AS QLAMQTAR 2022.***
The Qlamqtar 2022 World Cup’s only about 14 moons away (depending on your own set of lunar circumstances), and the first ever World Cup held in the Arab world promises to be a real doozy. World Cup history is a tale resplendent with stories of triumph against the odds, childhood dreams coming true and unsung heroes becoming legends. As well as dumb idiot losers, wanker fuck ups and teams that are just total bullshit.
But how shall ye learn about these legends, losers and teams that are just total bullshit? Well look no further my wayward friend as I profile all 211 FIFA nations eligible for World Cup qualification. Today, I take a look at Belize, which is yet to qualify for a World Cup.
BELIZE
No Adequate Training Facilities, No Resources, No Hope
Nickname: The Jaguars
FIFA Ranking: 176 (October 2022)
FIFA World Cup 2022 Qualification result: Failed to qualify
Aptly named “The Jaguars”, the Belize National Football team has successfully adopted the spirit of a scavenger that feeds purely on the carcasses of animals that it played no part in killing. Unfortunately, the national team’s strategy of hoping that at least 38 other CONCACAF countries withdraw from qualification leaving a world cup spot just sitting there for them to take has so far proved an unmitigated failure (only 1, Saint Lucia, withdrew from the first round of CONCACAF qualifying for 2022 leaving Belize still 37 short for successful World Cup qualification).
One to watch: El Duende
This goblin is 3 feet tall, has no thumbs and said to be found in Belizean forests. El Duende lures kids into the woods and punishes them for killing animals by biting off their thumbs. Good news for adults though, because if you’re over 18 and want to toss your dog off the balcony or put your pet turtle into a woodchipper, go nuts!
The highpoint: 2014 World Cup qualifying but sure as shit not this
Belize’s campaign to qualify gfir the 2014 World Cup was its best effort yet, where striker Deon McCauley finished as top scorer in all CONCACAF qualifying and Belize notched up four wins and finished second in its second round group, one position off advancing to the third round. That wasn’t bad but this surealy was, where last year the team got held at gunpoint by insurgents last year when visiting Haiti for a World Cup qualifier. Whoopies!
Learn the lingo & speak like a local!
