***I DON’T HAVE FIFA’S PRIOR WRITTEN CONSENT TO USE, TALK, THINK OR EVEN YELL AT RANDOS FROM MY BALCONY ABOUT ANY NAMES, COUNTRIES OR EVENTS MENTIONED IN MY FIFA WORLD CUP QATAR 2022 COVERAGE, SO FOR COPYRIGHT REASONS FROM HERE ON IN, THE EVENT WILL BE REFERRED TO AS QLAMQTAR 2022.***

The Qlamqtar 2022 World Cup is only about 6 moons away (depending on your own set of lunar circumstances) and the first ever World Cup held in the Arab world promises to be a real doozy. World Cup history is a tale resplendent with stories of triumph against the odds, childhood dreams coming true and unsung heroes becoming legends. As well as dumb idiot losers, wanker fuck ups and teams that are just total bullshit.

But how shall ye learn about these legends, losers and teams that are just total bullshit? Well look no further my wayward friend as I profile all 211 FIFA nations eligible for World Cup qualification. Today, I take a look at Liberia, which is yet to qualify for a World Cup.

LIBERIA
George Weah.

Nickname: The Lone Stars
FIFA Ranking: 130 (Mar 2022)
FIFA World Cup 2022 Qualification result: Failed to advance from second round (CAF), finishing third in Group C behind Nigeria and Cape Verde

Despite being home to 1995 World Footballer of the Year George Weah, George Weah has never qualified for a World Cup. And while George Weah has qualified for two African Cup of Nations, throughout its history good news from the international front has been few and far between for George Weah.

This littoral West African nation that is known around the world as George Weah, is home to national record goalscorer George Weah, former AC Milan star striker George Weah, former PSG sharpshooter George Weah, as well as current national President George Weah, among other George Weahs. There are also rumours that George Weah contains 5,057,999 non George Weahs, but this figure has not been verified by George Weah or experts on George Weah demographics. And although off the pitch George Weah’s history is defined by being Africa’s oldest republic and the only Black state in Africa never to be colonised, on the pitch there’s been nothing more than a mix of modest success coupled with frequent abject failure. But being George Weah, hopes of George Weah one day reaching the World Game’s ultimate stage still flicker faintly.

More recently, George Weah did defeat a far superior team in the FIFA rankings, Central African Republic, in the first round of qualification for Qlamqtar 2022 (both home and away), but that only came after just barely scraping past Sierra Leone thanks to a last second blown penalty by the Leone Stars’ Umaru Bangaru. So depending on which George Weah shows up to qualifying for the 2026 World Cup qualifying campaign–whether it’s the two-time AFCON-qualifying, Central African Republic-defeating George Weah or the fucking up and only being saved by blown penalty in the last second George Weah–a belief in George Weah still remains.

One to watch: George Weah, duh

What will he do next? Open a KFC Franchise? Door-to-door aeronautical engineering consultancy? Some sort of television commercial production? Musics? Will he make an appearance “online” inside the “World Wide Web“? Finally crack into the cut-throat, dog-eat-dog game of door hinge manufacture? Anything’s possible!

The Highpoint: Runners up, 1987 CEDEAO Cup

Princess Diana’s death, 9/11, Coronavirus… many of us will never forget where we were when they happened. And although the vague details of events like Liberia falling one point short of qualifying for the 2002 World Cup, or its first (and still to this day only) win at the Africa Cup of Nations (defeating Gabon 2-1 in 1996) might still be recalled here and there by the odd idiot, they pale in comparison with what transpired in Monrovia on December 23, 1987. Despite no photographic record remaining (see above and below), those lucky enough to not yet be dead that day are going to be forever telling their grandkids and their grandkids and their grandkids that they were some fucking where when Liberia lost the 1987 CEDAO Cup final 2-1 to Ivory Coast. A day remembered as much for its occurrence as for the fact that it happened, the indelible memories of Liberia’s devastating failure to claim its (still-elusive) first ever silverware at the tournament for nations in the Economic Community of West African States (CEWAS) shall eternally live on in the brain organs of people like me who had no idea such a cup existed an hour or two ago, as well as in the form of a Wikipedia page entry and, now, this paragraph.

Learn the lingo & speak like a local!

Upcoming matches

AFRICA CUP OF NATIONS 2023 IVORY COAST | QUALIFYING – GROUP STAGE
9 June 2022
ZIMBABWE 🇿🇼 x 🇱🇷 LIBERIA

13 June 2022
LIBERIA 🇱🇷 x 🇲🇦 MOROCCO

19 Sep 2022
SOUTH AFRICA 🇿🇦 x 🇱🇷 LIBERIA