***I DON’T HAVE FIFA’S PRIOR WRITTEN CONSENT TO USE, TALK, THINK OR EVEN YELL AT RANDOS FROM MY BALCONY ABOUT ANY NAMES, COUNTRIES OR EVENTS MENTIONED IN MY FIFA WORLD CUP QATAR 2022 COVERAGE, SO FOR COPYRIGHT REASONS FROM HERE ON IN, THE EVENT WILL BE REFERRED TO AS QLAMQTAR 2022.***

The Qlamqtar 2022 World Cup is only about 8 moons away (depending on your own set of lunar circumstances) and the first ever World Cup held in the Arab world promises to be a real doozy. World Cup history is a tale resplendent with stories of triumph against the odds, childhood dreams coming true and unsung heroes becoming legends. As well as dumb idiot losers, wanker fuck ups and teams that are just total bullshit.

But how shall ye learn about these legends, losers and teams that are just total bullshit? Well look no further my wayward friend as I profile all 211 FIFA nations eligible for World Cup qualification. Today, I take a look at Africa’s smallest country by size and population, Seychelles.

SEYCHELLES
Avast ye, matey! These squiffy buccaneers be bringing a spring upon her cable and plundering treasure and vast riches!

Nickname: The Pirates
FIFA Ranking: 196 (Mar 2022)
FIFA World Cup 2022 Qualification result: Eliminated by Rwanda (10-0 agg) in first round (Africa zone)

Yaaarrrrr… Ahoy there! Pirates be ruling these shores, but don’t ye be crackin’ Jenny’s teacup, ya son of a biscuit eater, because alas, me have some news of loot to share with thee! ARRRR! This wee collection of 115 isles of nary 100,000 landlubbers sure ain’t known for their hornswaggling, and their ball-kicking grassdogs haven’t and ARRRRRE sure never to set foot upon a World Cup tournament, but avast ye, don’t hang the jib, because shall ye think these Pirates be nothing but bilge-sucking landlubbers, SCUPPER THAT and best ye be walking the plank or dancing the hempen jig, because these buckos are swashbuckling well above their breeches!

ARRRRGGGHHHHH…. These pillagin’ buccaneers have already been capturin’ some loot across the high seas. YARR, sure, they ain’t ever plundered the loot of 3 points in a World Cup Qualifying duel, but many sunrises ago in 2011, they captured the mythical loot of the Indian Ocean Island Games trophy and just narry some moons ago in September 2021, they were the Scourge of Sri Lanka as they seized the booty of gold in the 4 nations Mahinda Rajapaksa Cup football tournament, just a few shakes of the cat’s tail off the silk route in Colombo, scuttling the ships of the local landlubbers Sri Lanka on penalties in the final, while blowing the men of carousers Maldives and Bangladesh down in the process. YAR, SHIVER ME TIMBERS.

So batten down the hatches, because though tharr ain’t be many times of much World Cup loot ahead for these scallywags, and they sure ain’t ever gonna be a crew of plundering sealegs, alas, some fine times still lie ahead for these buckos, say I, so long as ye keep things in pERRRRspective. YARRR!

One to watch: The crustacean demon of the Seychelles shores, the coconut crab

Blow me down, best ye be keepin’ an eye out for the world’s biggest arthropod because this beast can weigh in at over 4kg, can lift objects as heavy as 30kg and narr only does this fearsome beast have the strongest claw pinch of any crustacean but at 150 newtons, it also also outmuscles the bite strength of most mammals! Sink me, batten down the hatches, say I!

The Highpoint: Winners, 2011 Indian Ocean Island Games

Splice the mainbrace! Seychelles, then ranked last on thy cursed dark continent and therefore lower than the majority of the other old salt bilge-sucking landlubbers competing for the loot, it was the squiffy scallywags from Seychelles who blew down and crushed the barnacles of Comoros, Madagascar, Mauritius, Mayotte, Reúnion and Maldives to pillage the tournament’s booty! Shiver me timbers, ya wench, they still be needing a clap of thunder to celebrate that plunder! YO HO HO

Learn the lingo & speak like a local!

Upcoming matches

Scupper that! There be scant fixtures on the horizon after being blown down by Lesotho (3-1 agg) in the first round of AFCON 2023 Qualifying! Yarrrr… They also don’t know what they’re doin….