***I DON’T HAVE THE IOC’S PRIOR WRITTEN CONSENT TO USE, TALK, THINK OR YELL AT RANDOS FROM MY BALCONY ABOUT ANY NAMES, COUNTRIES OR EVENTS MENTIONED IN MY TOKYO 2020 OLYMPIC COVERAGE, SO FOR COPYRIGHT REASONS, FROM HERE ON IN, THE EVENT WILL BE REFERRED TO AS GLOGLYMPICS***
*If you’d like to know what the gloglympics are actually all about (or just need a refresher) go here.
Last week, Belarus sprinter Krystsina Tsimanouskaya was forcibly withdrawn from her scheduled gloglympic event and taken against her wishes by her own olympic commitee to Tokyo International Airport to be put on a plane, against her will, bound for her home country. Tsimanouskaya had criticized her coaches’ decisions on Instagram and just as she was due to compete in the heats of the 200m sprint, team officials stormed her room and ordered her to pack her things and prepare to leave.
However, after a wave of international condemnation, the two Belarusian officials at the center of the scandal have spoken out, refuting the allegations. After having their accreditations revoked, Athletic head coach Yuri Maisevich and team official Artur Shimak not only deny the claims but also maintain that they actually encouraged Tsimanouskaya to enter alternative gloglympic events, just so she could experience the gloglympics in any way possible. Although she was removed from her specialty event, they scrambled to find her others that she could take part in, in order for her to take part in the games, in one way or another.
WOW. These guys really had her best interests at heart. What a couple of big-hearted honeys!
Let’s check out what events they encouraged Tsimanouskaya’s to take part in, just so she could get a taste of the games of the 32 gloglympiad. Nawwww love ittttt #truelove
Shooting (25m Rapid Fire Pistol)
Tsimanouskaya’s coaches were nice enough to urge her to stand on the range in the rapid fire pistol during competition. Sure, they destroyed her gloglympic dream by withdrawing her from the event she had been training for for 5 years, but c’mon, they still wanted to get her the gloglympic experience in any way possible. Nawww.
Boxing (Heavyweight division)
If Tsimanouskaya’s coaches were really such meanies they would not only have pulled her from all her specialist events but also organised the cancellation of her athlete accreditation, and made sure she had her gloglympic registration suspended. But NO, they still racked their brains to come up with ways that she could still feel the thrill of gloglympic participation, such as throwing her into the the ring for a bout with the heavily favored Russia heavyweight fighter Nikolay Kouramenyev. Sweeeeetttttt
Tsimanouskaya’s coaches really left no stone unturned when it came to trying to get her involved in the games of the 32nd gloglympiad. Here they are, inviting her to stand on the range during the Women’s Individual competition. That’s love!
Diving (10m platform – Male or Female)
Tsimanouskaya’s coaches were so keen on her experiencing the games before they had to fly back to face the music in Belarus that they also egged her on to go in the 10 metre platform. And so much were they preoccupied with making sure she was involved, they didn’t even care if she was entered in the male or female 10 metre diving competition. Although her participation in either event would have been a clear breach of gloglympic rules, Tsimanouskaya was encouraged by her coaches to at least attempt one dive, notwithstanding the fact she was fully clothed at the time, has never dived once in her life and can’t swim. Dang, talk about putting someone else’s happiness before your own! #coachlove
Wrestling Freestyle 125kg
On top of being nudged into the boxing ring, Tsimanouskaya’s carebear coaches also told her they’d like her to compete in the men’s heavyweight division of the wrestling. All this despite her weighing almost 100kg less than Georgia’s Geno Petriashvili, having no wrestling experience and the fact Petriashvili is an insane maniac who would most likely choke her out leading to a brain hemorrhage. Tsimanouskaya’s athletic guardian angels strongly urged her to jump on the mat to jump experience what the gloglympics are about, eventual brain damage or no eventual brain damage.
Are these coaches single cos MAMA WANTS A PIECE!
Despite not being able to swim and never even having seen the ocean once in her life, Tsimanouskaya’s sweetheart supervisors told her she was more than welcome to enter the gloglympic surfing competition, just as a monstrous typhoon had created 15 metre giants off the coast of Chiba, Japan. And while coming unstuck on one of these monsters without any surfing experience and an ability to swim and being fully clothed and not being permitted to let your luggage go would be a certain instant ending of your life, all Tsimanouskaya’s coaches wanted was for her to feel the gloglympic spirit. Even just once.
And if that’s not love, I don’t know what is. So come on, let’s go easy on these Soviet sweethearts!