***I DON’T HAVE FIFA’S PRIOR WRITTEN CONSENT TO USE, TALK, THINK OR EVEN YELL AT RANDOS FROM MY BALCONY ABOUT ANY NAMES, COUNTRIES OR EVENTS MENTIONED IN MY FIFA WORLD CUP QATAR 2022 COVERAGE, SO FOR COPYRIGHT REASONS FROM HERE ON IN, THE EVENT WILL BE REFERRED TO AS QLAMQTAR 2022.***

The Qlamqtar 2022 World Cup is only about 5 moons away (depending on your own set of lunar circumstances) and the first ever World Cup held in the Arab world promises to be a real doozy. World Cup history is a tale resplendent with stories of triumph against the odds, childhood dreams coming true and unsung heroes becoming legends. As well as dumb idiot losers, wanker fuck ups and teams that are just total bullshit.

But how shall ye learn about these legends, losers and teams that are just total bullshit? Well look no further my wayward friend as I profile all 211 FIFA nations eligible for World Cup qualification. Today, I take a look at Nepal, which is yet to qualify for a World Cup.

NEPAL
176th in the queue, waiting to reach the summit

Nickname: The Gorkhalis
FIFA Ranking: 176 (June 2022)
FIFA World Cup 2022 Qualification result: Failed to advance from second round (AFC) group stage, finishing below Australia, Kuwait and Jordan

Having come a long way since goats and roosters were the prizes given for the winner of national league cups, Nepal thought that that all its hard work is done, but lo and behold, this is international soccer and if you want to rise above 176th in the world (and stay there), you’ve got to at least have some decent skills. Despite that, the national team has claimed a few international trophies in its time, winning the South Asian Games only six years ago and claiming the runners-up medal at the most recent South Asian Football Federation Championship in 2021, but frankly these trinkets have done nothing but weigh it down and raise its expectations, that is if this fucking line its in ever fucking moves again.

Nonetheless, going by the Ghorkalis’ recent results, they’ve gotta believe they’re getting a least a bit closer to the summit. Nepal would just be happy to even get back to 124th in line (its highest ever ranking, in 1994), but sadly it probably won’t get there before it dies (in this lifetime), as humans can only withstand the conditions of the ‘death zone’ (the oxygen-starved level above 8,000 metres) for 16-20 hours, whereafter your brain starts to swell, push itself down the skull’s spinal cavity, and your body starts to die. Fortunately Nepal is already well aware that everything is impermanent and one’s body is dying every minute anyway, and since it still has thousands of lifetimes ahead of it, getting back up in the 120s (or God–i.e. Mt Everest–forbid even higher) anytime soon doesn’t really seem to bother it either way.

Considering it only formed a professional league two years ago, suffers from a dearth of funding and has no clear road map, Nepal’s national team has still made some progress towards the summit of FIFA rankings. Sadly though, despite how far its come, it is still going to have to wait to reach the top, as there are currently 173 nations in line in front of it.

So even though Nepal isn’t going reach the summit of international soccer anytime in the near future, that doesn’t mean it can’t tell all its mates that it has! All it needs to do is…

Step 1 – Go to https://thetopofmounteverest.com/ :

Step 2 – Choose its photo:

Step 3 – Upload its photo:

Step 4 – Adjust its photo:

Step 5 – Caption its photo:

Step 6 – Review its photo:

Step 7 – And you’ve done it, Nepal national soccer team! You’ve reached the summit of international soccer! Congrats!

One to watch: The road, when driving on Karnali Highway

Winding its way through the mountains in Nepal’s Karnali region, Karnali Highway is one of the world’s most dangerous roads. With narrow stretches, potholes and steep drop offs on a treacherous road prone to landslides and collapses, one wrong move along the 223km route and it’s bye bye to you.

So when driving this bad boy, what ya wanna do is avoid texting, playing particularly competitive and animated driving games such as Eye Spy With My Little Eye or Charades, or fishing around in the goddamn mess of old McDonalds wrappers, empty Coke bottles and other shit on the passenger side floor looking for that goddam CD mixtape you made before the trip, and just make sure you focus, and keep a close eye on the road.

Notorious for landslides and other natural hazards, 85% of the road has been declared unsafe and driving the road at night is prohibited. So if you just can’t help yourself and just have to fish around on the passenger side floor looking for that goddam killer CD mixtape you made the previous night, while driving on possibly the world’s most dangerous road because, you ‘need some tunes’, just make sure the CD that you wack on is this exact fucking sick mix of epic club bangers:

NOW STICK YOUR HAND OUT THE WINDOW AND FUCKING SCREAMMMMMM.. BECAUSE YOLO MOTHERFUCKERSSSSSSS!!!!!

The Highpoint: World record for most tennis balls in hand, the world’s longest handshake, most times bouncing a basketball and the world’s highest living snake

Sure, the Nepal national team has occasionally pulled off an impressive scalp, such as defeating Chinese Taipei in 2022 World Cup qualifying or India in the final of 2016 South Asian Games, and has even lifted an international trophy here and there too, but c’mon, those achievements pale in significance compared to Rohit Timilsina, who managed to hold 21 tennis balls in one hand for 14.32 seconds in Kathmandu in 2008. BOOYAH!!!

That’s not Nepal’s only triumph either, and no, I’m not talkin’ about their 1-0 defeat of Macau in the 2016 AFC Solitary Cup, I’m talkin’ about Nepalese brothers Dinesh Timilsina and Pawan Timilsina setting the world record for the world’s longest handshake in 2011, shaking hands for 42 hours and 35 minutes. See you soon! No, see you soon! No, see you soon! No, see you soon! No, see you soon! And so on!

You can also forget about the Nepalese national team INSANELY taking the crown at the 2016 Bangbandhu Cup by defeating Bahrain 3-0 in the final (FUCKING SICK!!!), because Thaneswar Guragai’s 2010 feat of 444 bounces of a basketball in a minute in Gaushala, Nepal trumps it (jury’s still out on this one, though).

And stuff Nepal’s…well there’s nothing really else they’ve done… which this snake couldn’t give a shit about anyway. Say hello to the Himalayan pit viper, officially the holder of the world record for the World’s highest living snake! Three cheers for the Nepal national team, and THREE BIGGER CHEERS for holding tennis balls, longass handshakes, bouncing basketballs and alive snakes!

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