***I DON’T HAVE FIFA’S PRIOR WRITTEN CONSENT TO USE, TALK, THINK OR EVEN YELL AT RANDOS FROM MY BALCONY ABOUT ANY NAMES, COUNTRIES OR EVENTS MENTIONED IN MY FIFA WORLD CUP QATAR 2022 COVERAGE, SO FOR COPYRIGHT REASONS FROM HERE ON IN, THE EVENT WILL BE REFERRED TO AS QLAMQTAR 2022.***

The Qlamqtar 2022 World Cup is only about 4 moons away (depending on your own set of lunar circumstances) and the first ever World Cup held in the Arab world promises to be a real doozy. World Cup history is a tale resplendent with stories of triumph against the odds, childhood dreams coming true and unsung heroes becoming legends. As well as dumb idiot losers, wanker fuck ups and teams that are just total bullshit.

But how shall ye learn about these legends, losers and teams that are just total bullshit? Well look no further my wayward friend as I profile all 211 FIFA nations eligible for World Cup qualification. Today, I take a look at Guam, which is yet to qualify for a World Cup.

GUAM
Guam

Nickname: Matao (Courage)
FIFA Ranking: 205 (June 2022)
FIFA World Cup 2022 Qualification result: Failed to advance from second round (AFC) group stage, finishing below Syria, China, Philippines & Maldives

Guam is Guam. And Guam would like you to know that Guam is Guam. And even though it is a United States overseas territory, would like to be granted US statehood and wants to stay on the mainland’s good side so interference from the FDA, CDC and the FAA is scaled back, Guam is not USA. Guam (which is Guam) has a proud indigenous Chamorro heritage, a rich coloured and sometime tumultuous military history, and a diverse culture that blends Filipino, Japanese and American influences. But when push comes to shove, Guam is Guam. Plus, the Guam national soccer team is from Guam.

Guam would like to make you aware that whether contrary or compatible with your preconceptions, the Guam national soccer team’s is Guam’s. It represents Guam in the same way anything else that has Guam written on it represents Guam. Guam doesn’t have much to tell you about in terms of its results on the field, and would prefer not to dwell on the fact it’s ranked just 6 places off the bottom of the FIFA World Rankings, but Guam does want you to know that not only does its team represent Guam, but Matao (from Guam) has also defeated Mongolia in the past, along with Turkmenistan, India and Bhutan in the last two World Cup qualifying campaigns.

Now, sure, wins like that aren’t gonna be enough to win you a World Cup, but to Guam, Guam is number one. G-U-A-M (NOT U-S-A)! G-U-A-M (NOT U-S-A)! G-U-A-M (NOT U-S-A)!

GUAM!

One to watch: Whatever you do, don’t kick the ball over the fence

With 25% of Guam’s 212 square miles owned by the US Military, having a kick about with friends or your national team teammates is a goddam nightmare, as any slightly errant pass or mishit shot ends up not only out of play but over the fence in heavily restricted US Military areas. This makes every single attempt at an enjoyable kickabout turn into a freaking nightmare, as Guamanians are not only constantly having to jump the fence to fetch the ball, but it also typically leaves their buddies having to wait around for them for 6 months to return with the ball, due to being sent to prison under Section 1382 of Title 18 of the US Department of Justice’s penal code (“Entering military, naval, or coast guard property”) after being arrested, charged and sentenced for trespassing on a US military base.

So when you’re in Guam and you wanna have a kick about with your pals, make sure you keep the ball on the ground, go easy on the shooting and you know what, just don’t shoot at the goal at all. Forget it, because those are the efforts that most often sail over the fence into zones under military jurisdiction) and in turn end up with you incarcerated in a US prison for trying to retrieve the ball.

The Highpoint: FC Beercelona (R.I.P.)

Finally a Barcelona team to get behind and that aren’t a skeezy pack of limp dick scummy fuckwit cunts – Guam Soccer League’s FC Beercelona!

FC Beercelona were part of the 2017-18 Guam Soccer League and that season finished 14th in the league (out of 17 teams). Though they certainly had their work cut out for them to reach the top in the following seasons, totally vanishing without a trace from the league didn’t seem like it was in their plans. Sadly though, after season’s end, that’s exactly what appears to have happened, and the club either went under for financial reasons, merged with another club or the players just became too busy or lazy and the players couldn’t be fucked keeping FC Beercelona going. Not sure. Making matters worse, FC Barcelona, the world famous limp dick cunts, still hang around like disgusting diarrhoea that’s been sprayed all over your toilet and the bathroom walls and floor, making you instantly puke your guts out every time you see it.

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GUAM 🇬🇺 x ⍰ NOT GUAM