***I DON’T HAVE FIFA’S PRIOR WRITTEN CONSENT TO USE, TALK, THINK OR EVEN YELL AT RANDOS FROM MY BALCONY ABOUT ANY NAMES, COUNTRIES OR EVENTS MENTIONED IN MY FIFA WORLD CUP QATAR 2022 COVERAGE, SO FOR COPYRIGHT REASONS FROM HERE ON IN, THE EVENT WILL BE REFERRED TO AS QLAMQTAR 2022.***
The Qlamqtar 2022 World Cup’s only about 14 moons away (depending on your own set of lunar circumstances), and the first ever World Cup held in the Arab world promises to be a real doozy. World Cup history is a tale resplendent with stories of triumph against the odds, childhood dreams coming true and unsung heroes becoming legends. As well as dumb idiot losers, wanker fuck ups and teams that are just total bullshit.
But how shall ye learn about these legends, losers and teams that are just total bullshit? Well look no further my wayward friend as I profile all 211 FIFA nations eligible for World Cup qualification. Today, I take a look at Cuba, which has qualified for the World Cup once.
CUBA
Hoping to qualify just to defect
Nickname: Leones del Caribe
FIFA Ranking: 179 (Sep 2021)
FIFA World Cup 2022 Qualification result: Failed to qualify
At their solitary World Cup appearance in 1938, the Cubans made it all the way to the Quarter Finals (after one win, defeating Romania after a replay in the round of 16). While they were then pumped by Sweden 8-0, the encouraging performance should have meant future qualifications were a lock.
Think again.
Cuba has not been back to the World Cup since, which is disappointing for the team who would love nothing more than to play on soccer’s biggest stage, but it’s actually just a total bummer for them because they would mostly love the opportunity to show the world how well they defect, and seek asylum in the host nation (whichever one it is). The Leones del Caribe have historically performed well off the field in the category in defections when participating in Gold Cups and Under-23 tournaments abroad, and fans can only how well the team would defect at a World Cup. And it’s not only the players who would benefit from a desperate attempt to escape their lives in Cuba, but also the fans. The team’s supporters would relish the chance to cheer their team on in the tournament, but what they would love even more would be to leave the country and never return. And what better chance for Cubans to show their national pride and trigger a mass exodus and possible humanitarian crisis than following their beloved national team to a FIFA World Cup?
One to watch: (If you’re a customs official) the entire team
Just watch them. Keep a close eye on them. And have they left room in their luggage for souvenirs? Do they seem particularly relieved to have left their home country? Are they currently on their knees and weeping in front of a sign that says “Welcome to USA/Canada/UK/pretty much any country other than Cuba”?. ‘Fraid you got yourself a defector there, buddy! Swarm! Swarm!
The highpoint: Quarter finalist, 1938 World Cup
Even though Cuba only took part in the 1938 World Cup in France thanks to all other teams in CONCACAF withdrawing, they were still there, okay. They were still there. And they even managed to defeat the Romanians in the first match, a round of 16 tie that required a playoff. Sure, then they got pumped by Sweden, but who cares, Cuba are officially one of the 79 nations that have been to a World Cup. All by way of default! DE-FAULT! DE-FAULT! DE-FAULT!
Learn the lingo & speak like a local!
