***I DON’T HAVE FIFA’S PRIOR WRITTEN CONSENT TO USE, TALK, THINK OR EVEN YELL AT RANDOS FROM MY BALCONY ABOUT ANY NAMES, COUNTRIES OR EVENTS MENTIONED IN MY FIFA WORLD CUP QATAR 2022 COVERAGE, SO FOR COPYRIGHT REASONS FROM HERE ON IN, THE EVENT WILL BE REFERRED TO AS QLAMQTAR 2022.***

The Qlamqtar 2022 World Cup is only about 10 moons away (depending on your own set of lunar circumstances) and the first ever World Cup held in the Arab world promises to be a real doozy. World Cup history is a tale resplendent with stories of triumph against the odds, childhood dreams coming true and unsung heroes becoming legends. As well as dumb idiot losers, wanker fuck ups and teams that are just total bullshit.

But how shall you learn about these legends, losers and teams that are just total bullshit? Well look no further my wayward friend as I profile all 211 FIFA nations eligible for World Cup qualification. Today, I take a look at Malawi, who just enjoyed their greatest ever performance at the 2021 African Cup of Nations in Cameroon, but who is yet to qualify for a World Cup.

MALAWI
#1 in FIFA Cleaning Own Underpants Rankings

Nickname: The Flames
FIFA Ranking: 129 (Dec 2021)

The tiny landlocked nation of Malawi came into the African Cup of Nations 2021 as the one of the lowest ranked teams in the FIFA rankings (#129), however, they’re ranked 1st in the world in the FIFA rankings for teams who clean their own underwear.

While African powerhouses such as Senegal, Tunisia and Cameroon received first class treatment, hospitality and laundry services during their spell at the African Cup of Nations, Malawi national team coach Mario Marinica identified the bias shown by the African confederation of Football (CAF) that forced his team to do their own washing and be subjected to substandard conditions, poor quality food and a lack of basic hotel housekeeping. This thrilled him, since its forced the team to do their own washing, resulting in them becoming the formidable force in world soccer when it comes to who’s the best at washing their own underwear. During AFCON 2021, Marinica, always the master of mindgames, fired a shot at Senegal’s weakness in the area when he said Sadio Mane ‘isn’t washing his own underpants’. Whether Marinica’s attempt to shake Senegal’s confidence in stain-removal worked remains to be seen, but should the two teams meet in the knockout phase of a underwear washing tournament, getting your whites whiter than the Flames is going to take an almighty effort.

One to watch: The mouth of your partner in coitus (if you’re a male African cichlid in Lake Malawi)

Containing 5% of the earth’s total surface freshwater, Lake Malawi is arguably the world’s most ecologically vibrant body of freshwater, and among that huge abundance of underwater abominations are over 800 species of cichlid fish. These creatures are mouth brooders, which means that the female incubate her eggs in her mouth after the male has fertilised them (with the fry remaining there for a period after hatching). So if you’re a male cichlid getting down with a female and taking the banana boat to tuna town, while you’re pumping away, just cast a cheeky eye inside the mouth of your partner (your co-pilot on setting down in Poundtown). If you happen to see scores of mini versions of your coital counterpart inside her own mouth, just pump it and dump it son. Because someone’s been there and done that before you, and everyone knows you’re too good for sloppy Malawian seconds.

Don’t fret though, because there’s more fish in the lake; Lake Malawi contains more species of fish than any other lake or river in the world.

The Highpoint: AFCON 2021 (Round of 16)

Learn the lingo & speak like a local!

Upcoming matches

AFRICAN CUP OF NATIONS CAMEROON 2021
Jan 10, 2022
GUINEA 🇬🇳 x 🇲🇼 MALAWI

Jan 14, 2022
MALAWI 🇲🇼 x 🇿🇼 ZIMBABWE

Jan 18, 2022
MALAWI 🇲🇼 x 🇸🇳 SENEGAL

Jan 25, 2022
Round of 16
MOROCCO 🇲🇦 x 🇲🇼 MALAWI