***I DON’T HAVE FIFA’S PRIOR WRITTEN CONSENT TO USE, TALK, THINK OR EVEN YELL AT RANDOS FROM MY BALCONY ABOUT ANY NAMES, COUNTRIES OR EVENTS MENTIONED IN MY FIFA WORLD CUP QATAR 2022 COVERAGE, SO FOR COPYRIGHT REASONS FROM HERE ON IN, THE EVENT WILL BE REFERRED TO AS QLAMQTAR 2022.***
The Qlamqtar 2022 World Cup is only about 11 moons away (depending on your own set of lunar circumstances) and the first ever World Cup held in the Arab world promises to be a real doozy. World Cup history is a tale resplendent with stories of triumph against the odds, childhood dreams coming true and unsung heroes becoming legends. As well as dumb idiot losers, wanker fuck ups and teams that are just total bullshit.
But how shall you learn about these legends, losers and teams that are just total bullshit? Well look no further my wayward friend as I profile all 211 FIFA nations eligible for World Cup qualification. Today, I take a look at Gabon, who are yet to qualify for a World Cup.
GABON
LOSERSSSSSSSS LOSERRRSSSSSSSSSSS
Nickname: The Panthers/The Brazilians (pfft… LAME.)
FIFA Ranking: 89 (Dec 2021)
Despite the country’s relative state of peace and upper-middle income economy, Gabon have never made it past the quarter finals of the African Cup of Nations or to a FIFA World Cup. But what would you expect from a bunch of lying, cheating idiots coming from the armpit of Africa? Late in its group stage match against Ghana at AFCON 2021 Gabon trailed by a single goal, when Ghanaian midelfieder Daniel Kofi-Kyereh went down with an injury. In order for him to receive treatment, his teamates put the ball into touch. However, in the cuntiest act that a cunty team could ever pull off, instead of returning the ball back to their opponents after Kofi-Kyeteh had received treatment, Gabon not only played on, but ended up scoring the equalising goal through Jim Allevinah in the 88th minute.
The match would end 1-1, with the Gabon players chippily hopping off the field at the full-time whistle as if they hadn’t just pulled off the cuntiest equalising goal in African Cup of Nations history. Understandably Ghana had the desire to kick the fuck out of them, and in deed, then rightly did so. The draw not only cost Ghana the three points, but it would ultimately cost them a place in the knockout phase as they fell one point short of progressing, following a subsequent loss to Comoros.
But Karma’s a bitch, especially when your team is a bunch of bitches, and in their round of 16 match-up against Burkina Faso a few days later, the Panthers (or Brazilians as they’re also know.. Pfft yeah okay.) would crash out of the tournament after losing on penalties, thanks to the heroics of backfilipping Burkinabe goalkeeper Herve Koffi.
Koffi = LEGEND, Gabon = COCKBANDITS.
One to watch: The impressive Gabonese swell
The 267km-long coastline of Gabon has become a hotspot for surfing hippos looking for consistent peeling breaks. With its warm waters, lengthy left-handers, wind-sheltered locations and absence of crowds, surfing hippos are beginning to flock to this once-secret West African surf hotspot. Bear in mind that tribalism is a factor here, so unless you want to be gored and eviscerated, and then have your skull and every single bone crushed to death on the shore by the locals, be sure to respect the line-up.
The Highpoint: AFCON Quarter Finalists, 1996 & 2012
Learn the lingo & speak like a local!
Upcoming matches
AFRICAN CUP OF NATIONS CAMEROON 2021
NONE. Because they’re O-U-T OUT!!! Of both AFCON 2021 and the World Cup 2022. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA COCKHEADS