***I DON’T HAVE FIFA’S PRIOR WRITTEN CONSENT TO USE, TALK, THINK OR EVEN YELL AT RANDOS FROM MY BALCONY ABOUT ANY NAMES, COUNTRIES OR EVENTS MENTIONED IN MY FIFA WORLD CUP QATAR 2022 COVERAGE, SO FOR COPYRIGHT REASONS FROM HERE ON IN, THE EVENT WILL BE REFERRED TO AS QLAMQTAR 2022.***
The Qlamqtar 2022 World Cup’s only about 14 moons away (depending on your own set of lunar circumstances), and the first ever World Cup held in the Arab world promises to be a real doozy. World Cup history is a tale resplendent with stories of triumph against the odds, childhood dreams coming true and unsung heroes becoming legends. As well as dumb idiot losers, wanker fuck ups and teams that are just total bullshit.
But how shall ye learn about these legends, losers and teams that are just total bullshit? Well look no further my wayward friend as I profile all 211 FIFA nations eligible for World Cup qualification. Today, I take a look at Laos, which is yet to qualify for a World Cup, and just can’t get a break, because even when their former starting goalkeeper Thipponexhay Inthavongsa successfully saves penalties, like he did in a 2017 friendly vs Hong Kong), he (along with three other players) gets slapped with a life ban from the sport for match fixing. Woof.
LAOS
Where saving a penalty gets you banned for life
Nickname: ຂຸນຜົນໝາກເຜັດຂີ້ໜູ (Warlord Paprika)/ຊ້າງ (The Elephant)
FIFA Ranking: 187 (October 2022)
FIFA World Cup 2022 Qualification result: Failed to qualify
Back in August 2020, Laos goalie Thipphonexay Inthavongsa’s heroics were not enough to stave off WC elimination, or for that matter, a personal life ban from sport. Laos bowed out of World Cup qualification contention for Qlamqtar 2022, but really, the damage was done when they lost 4-0 to Hong Kong in friendly 3 years prior. Despite heroics from their goalkeeper and his subsequent life ban. Inthavongsa made several impressive saves, including one from the penalty spot (and another near-penalty save) but it was not enough for his team to continue their fight for a world cup spot and for the goalkeeper to continue being allowed to legally play football anymore.
Four Laos players received life bans from the Asian Football Confederation after they were found to have conspired to fix the result of the fixture in Hong Kong. It came after the confederation had only recently banned 3 Tajikistan players and one from Krzygystan for similar manipulation.
While Inthavongsa’s performance between the posts in the decisive match against the Hong Kongers was almost enough to thwart their attack, ultimately he was not able to prevent the four goals being scored, his team going down or the 1 life ban being handed down upon him.
One to watch: The goalkeeper
Watch The Goalkeeper. Whoever it is. Just watch whoever it is, particularly if they’re really trying. And if they make an unbelievable saves or even save a penalty please report them immediately to the Asian Football Confederation for further investigation into their conspiracy to manipulate a result. That should hopefully result in a life ban and we can send another one of these talented sons a bitches who give it their all permanently to the sidelines.
The highpoint: Beating the Philippines, World Cup 2002 qualifying/5 years without getting suspended for matchfixing
Laos’ first ever win in the World Cup came over local rival Philippines in the campaign for the 2002 edition, but probably its most promising result recently is not getting suspended for matchfixing (see above). Gooooo Laos!!!
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Upcoming matches
None, because they blew it in round 1 of 2022 World Cup Asian qualifying against Bangladesh.