***I DON’T HAVE FIFA’S PRIOR WRITTEN CONSENT TO USE, TALK, THINK OR EVEN YELL AT RANDOS FROM MY BALCONY ABOUT ANY NAMES, COUNTRIES OR EVENTS MENTIONED IN MY FIFA WORLD CUP QATAR 2022 COVERAGE, SO FOR COPYRIGHT REASONS FROM HERE ON IN, THE EVENT WILL BE REFERRED TO AS QLAMQTAR 2022.***

The Qlamqtar 2022 World Cup’s only about 14 moons away (depending on your own set of lunar circumstances), and the first ever World Cup held in the Arab world promises to be a real doozy. World Cup history is a tale resplendent with stories of triumph against the odds, childhood dreams coming true and unsung heroes becoming legends. As well as dumb idiot losers, wanker fuck ups and teams that are just total bullshit.

But how shall ye learn about these legends, losers and teams that are just total bullshit? Well look no further my wayward friend as I profile all 211 FIFA nations eligible for World Cup qualification. Today, I take a look at Finland, yet to qualify for their first World Cup.

FINLAND
Hark! Here be a magical make-believe land, where mythical creatures called Pukkis roams the valleys all the livelong day

Nickname: Huuhkajat (Eagle-owls)
FIFA Ranking: 56 (October 2022)
FIFA World Cup 2022 Qualification result: Failed to qualify 

This mythical land, known as “Finland” recently featured in the first major tournament (ye olde Euro 2020) in thine history after UEFA finally relaxed its restrictions on make-believe lands being permitted to qualify (see also, “Israel” and “Palestine”). But despite the wonder and magic of the residual fairy dust of fabled Finland’s participation at the Euros in the summer of year 2021 AD, there lies little hope that FIFA will do the same, as it remains steadfast in its stipulation that countries that exist but in one’s mind’s eye are NOT eligible for finals qualification.

One to watch: The Pukkis

Well, there’s more than one to watch. Keep thine eyes peeled for curious and insatiable critters known as Pukkis. These creatures are relatively quiet and roam in herds, constantly aiming to reach the horizon, where upon arrival they then keep going. All these loveable characters are interested in is  journeying far and wide and only getting their career going after they are already past their prime. Though Pukkis are only impressive in the latter stages of their lives, this is when they are most dangerous and should you see a Pukki, particularly in circumstances of little consequence, well, one shall best be warned that these creatures may attack several times. But hark! Lest ye not worry! As should one encounter a Pukki in a battle of great import, ye may rest easy, as Pukkis are instantly rendered harmless and disappear on big occasions.

The highpoint: 4 points shy of a playoff spot, World Cup 2022/Euro 2020

Finland have never reached a World Cup playoff spot but their best effort came in the 2010 World Cup, when they fell four points short of their old foe Russia in 2nd (damn you, old foe!). Russia blew it anyway in the end anyway, but Finland’s magnum opus was no doubt its qualification for Euro 2020, where it lost to Belgium and Russia (damn you again, old foe!) but beat Denmark in a game that was marred by Christian Eriksen’s heart going whoopsy. In the end it was Finland with the whoopsie though as they exited in the group stage as one of the two worst third-placed teams and also conceded one of the lamest own goals ever witnessed at the tournament. Not for the first time either:

Learn the lingo & speak like a local!

Upcoming matches
World Cup Qualifying | Europe | Group stage

Oct 9
Finland 🇫🇮 x 🇺🇦 Ukraine

Oct 12
Kazakhstan 🇰🇿 x 🇫🇮 Finland