***I DON’T HAVE FIFA’S PRIOR WRITTEN CONSENT TO USE, TALK, THINK OR EVEN YELL AT RANDOS FROM MY BALCONY ABOUT ANY NAMES, COUNTRIES OR EVENTS MENTIONED IN MY FIFA WORLD CUP QATAR 2022 COVERAGE, SO FOR COPYRIGHT REASONS FROM HERE ON IN, THE EVENT WILL BE REFERRED TO AS QLAMQTAR 2022.***

The Qlamqtar 2022 World Cup is only about 7 moons away (depending on your own set of lunar circumstances) and the first ever World Cup held in the Arab world promises to be a real doozy. World Cup history is a tale resplendent with stories of triumph against the odds, childhood dreams coming true and unsung heroes becoming legends. As well as dumb idiot losers, wanker fuck ups and teams that are just total bullshit.

But how shall ye learn about these legends, losers and teams that are just total bullshit? Well look no further my wayward friend as I profile all 211 FIFA nations eligible for World Cup qualification. Today, I take a look at Oceania island nation, Solomon Islands.

SOLOMON ISLANDS
If you can build a canoe, you’re eligible for the team

Nickname: Bonitos
FIFA Ranking: 137 (Mar 2022)

Conventional western expectations and standards of age and adulthood are not recognized in the Solomon Islands. As soon as boys can build a canoe (or house), they’re considered adults. To that end, if you never learn to build a house or dugout canoe you’ll never be considered an adult in Solomon Islands, perhaps also giving you a certain level of immunity when being trialled for committing felonies. That is neither here nor there, but what does matter is that if you’re a Solomon Islands youngster who’s learned how to bang together some living quarters or a sea-faring vessel, you’re halfway to getting a game as a capped international football player for Solomon Islands.

One to watch: The giant rat that is able to chew through coconut shells

Prior to its discovery, locals had talked for 20 years about a type of huge rat that lived in trees and was able to bite through the rock-solid exterior of coconut shells. The legend was revealed to be true when in 2005, one fell from a tree, finally confirming the myth of this coconut-crunching psycho. If you’re out in the Solomons, you’re gonna wanna keep an eye on this sucker, especially if you’re going for a stroll or in a hammock taking a nap, because if this demonic rodent can rip through a coconut, imagine what it could do to your skull, and to your brain and then to the remainder of your corpse.

The Highpoint: Semi-finalists at the 2012 OFC Cup

At the OFC Cup in 2012, Solomon Islands had their best ever shot at becoming the number one nation in Oceania. But yep, just as New Zealand stumbled at the semi-final stage, Solomon Islands failed to capitalise and were knocked out 1-0 by Tahiti at the final hurdle before competing for the crown. The tournament also doubled as the second stage of OFC qualifying but, arguably more importantly for Solomon Islands and its rivals, it decided who would be Oceania’s representative at the 2013 Confederations Cup in Brazil. It wasn’t the Solomons, you’ll be sad to learn, as Tahiti, following their semi-final victory, went on to defeat New Caledonia in the final. That meant that the Tahitians, and not Solomon Islands (currently the OFC’s second-highest ranked team), would be Oceania’s first (and only) team at a Confederations Cup other than New Zealand or Australia. Good one, Solomons, good one. Westim and rongem, Solomon Islands. Westim and rongem.

Learn the lingo & speak like a local!

Upcoming matches

Nope. Eliminated in final of Oceania World Cup Qualifying by New Zealand (final score: 5-0).