***I DON’T HAVE FIFA’S PRIOR WRITTEN CONSENT TO USE, TALK, THINK OR EVEN YELL AT RANDOS FROM MY BALCONY ABOUT ANY NAMES, COUNTRIES OR EVENTS MENTIONED IN MY FIFA WORLD CUP QATAR 2022 COVERAGE, SO FOR COPYRIGHT REASONS FROM HERE ON IN, THE EVENT WILL BE REFERRED TO AS QLAMQTAR 2022.***

The Qlamqtar 2022 World Cup’s only about 11 moons away (depending on your own set of lunar circumstances), and the first ever World Cup held in the Arab world promises to be a real doozy. World Cup history is a tale resplendent with stories of triumph against the odds, childhood dreams coming true and unsung heroes becoming legends. As well as dumb idiot losers, wanker fuck ups and teams that are just total bullshit.

But how shall ye learn about these legends, losers and teams that are just total bullshit? Well look no further my wayward friend as I profile all 211 FIFA nations eligible for World Cup qualification. Today, I take a look at Algeria, who have appeared at the World Cup Finals on four occasions.

ALGERIA
Will never forget the atrocity committed by the Germans and Austrians [NSFW]

Nickname: The Greens
FIFA Ranking: 32 (Nov 2021)
FIFA World Cup 2022 Qualification result: Failed to qualify

*Algerians please note: The following contains graphic content

Algerians will never forget what the Germans and Austrians did to their people. At the 1982 World Cup in Spain, Algeria stunned the world by defeating West Germany in their opening match. Still considered one of the greatest upsets in World Cup history, the stunning victory lead to the saddest chapter in sporting history.

The Algerians–following their remarkable opening day win and a second victory over Chile in their final match–knew that anything other than a 1-0 or 2-0 West German win over Austria would be enough for them to go through to the second round (ahead of the Austrians on goal difference). The day after Algeria’s final match, West Germany and Austria both took the field in Gijon, knowing that a 1-0 or 2-0 West German win would send both teams through and knock Algeria out. After West Germany took an early lead, the rest of the 80 remaining minutes was characterized by both teams making little to no effort to attack, sitting back off their opponents on defense, and content to not make any decent attempts on goal. When the half-time whistle blew, players from opposing teams were seen exiting the pitch with their arms around each other and by that point it was clear that they had agreed to end the match 1-0 or 2-0 so as to ensure both sides progress. Unsurprisingly, it ended 1-0, eliminating Algeria and helping both West Germany and Austria advance.

The Disgrace of Gijon is an event that shall forever traumatize Algerians, and it’s the sole reason for all 44 million Algerians spending every waking moment of their lives with the terrifying sensation that Satan is crushing their brain with his bare hands like a vice, and although they just want to scream horrifyingly out of sheer terror and existential dread, they cannot because when they try to, nothing out comes out, leaving them forever trapped in a state of silent, agonizing and suicidal brain-snapping torture.

One to watch: Your visa application

Out of all African countries, obtaining a visa to Algeria is among the toughest. When applying, you’ll need to provide: proof of income of everyone you’ve ever met; an insurance policy provided by all globally recognized insurance companies; the mechanical and technical specifications of the aircraft you’re flying into the country on; a 3D model and architectural blueprint of where you’ll be staying; invitation letters from all 44 million Algerian citizens, and an anticipatory second-by-second log of what you plan to do during your trip. Additionally, if you’ve ever visited, spoken to or set eyes on somebody who has visited Israel, or ever sang the ‘Mazeltov! (La Haim)’ bit in the Black Eyed Peas ‘I Gotta Feeling out loud, be aware that this makes you officially ineligible for an Algerian visa and your application will categorically be denied.

Good luck!

The highpoint: Round of 16, World Cup 2010

In 2010, once again, Algeria faced the Germans, and once again, they got screwed, eliminated in the second round after extra-time. Damn you, THE GERMANS.

Learn the lingo & speak like a local!

Upcoming matches

FIFA ARAB CUP QATAR 2021 – FINAL
Dec 18, 2021
TUNISIA 🇹🇳 x 🇩🇿 ALGERIA

AFRICAN CUP OF NATIONS CAMEROON 2021
Jan 11, 2022
ALGERIA 🇩🇿 x 🇸🇱 SIERRA LEONE

Jan 16, 2022
ALGERIA 🇩🇿 x 🇬🇶 EQUATORIAL GUINEA

Jan 20, 2022
IVORY COAST 🇨🇮 x 🇩🇿 ALGERIA