***I DON’T HAVE FIFA’S PRIOR WRITTEN CONSENT TO USE, TALK, THINK OR EVEN YELL AT RANDOS FROM MY BALCONY ABOUT ANY NAMES, COUNTRIES OR EVENTS MENTIONED IN MY FIFA WORLD CUP QATAR 2022 COVERAGE, SO FOR COPYRIGHT REASONS FROM HERE ON IN, THE EVENT WILL BE REFERRED TO AS QLAMQTAR 2022.***

The Qlamqtar 2022 World Cup is only about 4 moons away (depending on your own set of lunar circumstances) and the first ever World Cup held in the Arab world promises to be a real doozy. World Cup history is a tale resplendent with stories of triumph against the odds, childhood dreams coming true and unsung heroes becoming legends. As well as dumb idiot losers, wanker fuck ups and teams that are just total bullshit.

But how shall ye learn about these legends, losers and teams that are just total bullshit? Well look no further my wayward friend as I profile all 211 FIFA nations eligible for World Cup qualification. Today, I take a look at Brunei, which is yet to qualify for a World Cup.

BRUNEI
gg Well played What a save! What a save! What a save! What a save! Chat disabled Chat enabled Nice shot! Nice shot! Nice Shot! ez /s

Nickname: Brunei National (FIFA Nickname: Tebuan or ‘The Hornets’)
Rank: Unkranked (FIFA ranking: 191 – June 2022)
2022 Tournament result: You gotta be kidding me right, you saw the ranking yeah? (FIFA World Cup 2022 Qualification result: Failed to advance from first round (AFC) playoff, losing 3-2 (agg) to Mongolia

Home to the world’s largest and most valuable private collection of rare, vintage and high-performance sports cars, the Brunei national team should be amongst the top ranked teams in world soccer. But it’s not like it can use them at all, because the assortment of about 7,000 vehicles, worth over US$5 billion, belongs exclusively to the 29th Sultan of Brunei, Hassanal Bolkiah, who is the only one allowed to touch them, meaning that Brunei has absolutely no access to the collection and never ever will.

While it’s true that Brunei is blessed with the world’s quickest, most powerful, most exclusive and most sought after horsepower, sadly for its national soccer team, they’re all off limits. If Brunei even try to lay one of its grubby little mitts on even the shittiest BMW within the collection, they can expect to have that grubby mitt chopped off (and if they touch a second one, their grubby little feet). The entire collection belongs to the Sultan, which is why the only noteworthy results in the currently 191st-ranked nation’s history are a 1st leg victory over Mongolia in World Cup 2022 qualifying, a 1st leg defeat of Chinese Taipei in World Cup 2018 qualifying, a group stage exit in the 1996 AFC Asian Cup, hoisting the trophy four times in some bullshit thing called the Borneo Cup and once in some other bullshit thing called the Malaysia Cup (both contested by countries that weren’t even countries), and that one time in 2014 when their rank went up to Bronze but then almost immediately fell back down to Unranked due to inactivity and suspension.

Brunei suck, there’s no way round it. It can’t half flip, speed flip. wave dash, its backboard reads and Boost game blow, and no matter how much it plays in casual or even ranked, they just can’t rank up. But that might also be because assholes keep fucking choosing the bullshit Wastelands map or they keeping coming up against fucking bots or assholes kick them for being idle or fucking smurfs hiding like snakes in the fucking grass and smurfing noobs, because that’s what virgin wankers do.

And just to add insult to injury, not only does Brunei get REKT in almost every game it plays but its opponents just love to twist the knife and rub it in too:

On the bright side, there have been sporadic flashes of above-mediocrity and not-total-ineptitude:

With even the odd win here and there too:

There’s a huge drop off between Brunei and high level play, and with a population of only 500,000 and not one of its players plying their trade overseas, the future looks grim. Nothing seems to be working, and all its hours, experience, all its defeats and even a victory or two along the way just don’t seem to have taught Brunei much, and there’s little hope of turning it around any time soon. Maybe watching some Youtube videos’ll help? Like this one?…

*Brunei is also bad at Non Rocket League format Soccer.

One to watch: Best RL player (SquishyMuffinz) vs Brunei’s defeat of Mongolia in World Cup 2022 Qualifying (AFC)

Which goal was better? Well, it’s a debate that is about to be resolved!!

Check both of these goals out below and tell me what you think! Which camp are you in? SquishyMuffinz’s criminally INSANE delayed frontflip goal? Or Brunei’s bundled in tap-in from a goalkeeper mistake that makes a convincing case for Mongolian matchfixing?

If you think SquishyMuffinz’s goal was better, send me an email (subject: “soccer goal internet selection, my vote, please thankyou”) or, hit the ‘back’ button on your browser and then turn the brightness on your screen up and down if you think Brunei’s second goal (at 10:10) was better!

The Highpoint: This goal

Brunei have never been ranked above 140th and have also never advanced past the first round of qualifying. That said, there have been odd moments of joy for the Brunei National team, such as those victories over Mongolia and Chinese Taipei mentioned above, multiple defeats of its much higher ranked local SEA rivals Philippines and Indonesia, as well as this recent goal!

Learn the lingo & speak like a local!

Upcoming matches

Like a fucking shitload, every day from now, ’cause I just played Rocket League for the first ever time today and it’s FUCKING SICK