***I DONβT HAVE FIFAβS PRIOR WRITTEN CONSENT TO USE, TALK, THINK OR EVEN YELL AT RANDOS FROM MY BALCONY ABOUT ANY NAMES, COUNTRIES OR EVENTS MENTIONED IN MY FIFA WORLD CUP QATAR 2022 COVERAGE, SO FOR COPYRIGHT REASONS FROM HERE ON IN, THE EVENT WILL BE REFERRED TO AS QLAMQTAR 2022.***
The Qlamqtar 2022 World Cup is only about two moons away (depending on your own set of lunar circumstances) and the first ever World Cup held in the Arab world promises to be a real doozy. World Cup history is a tale resplendent with stories of triumph against the odds, childhood dreams coming true and unsung heroes becoming legends. As well as dumb idiot losers, wanker fuck ups and teams that are just total bullshit.
But how shall ye learn about these legends, losers and teams that are just total bullshit? Well look no further my wayward friend as I profile all 211 FIFA nations eligible for World Cup qualification. Today, I take a look at Croatia, which has qualified for the World Cup six times.
CROATIA
The best in World Cup history if π = πππππππ + πΌ(π β ππ) Γ· T
Nickname: Vatreni (The Blazers)
FIFA Ranking: 15 (August 2022)
FIFA World Cup 2022 Qualification result: Qualified, top of group (UEFA) ahead of Russia (later suspended), Slovakia, Slovenia, Cyprus and Malta
Ranked 15th in the world according to FIFA and #1 in the world according to former legendary national captain Zvonimir Boban (where P = national identity created by football Γ· T), Croatia only became an independent nation just over 30 years ago, playing its first official post-independence international in 1992, but it now boasts the #1 ranked team in World Cup history, if π = πππππππ + πΌ(π β ππ) Γ· T
where:
β’ P β ranking points
β’ πππππππ β The team’s number of points before their First World Cup
β’ I β the importance coefficient
β’ W β the result of the game
β’ We β the expected result of the game
β’ T β time since becoming a FIFA member nation
While Uruguay is the only nation with a smaller population to reach the World Cup final, and though it did win the first two World Cups it competed in, and while Portugal finished third at their inaugural World Cup (like Croatia), neither of those sides had to battle their way through a grueling World Cup containing 32 teams in the way that Croatia did. Croatia have only been a member nation of FIFA for a total of 35 years (including four years of membership during WWII), much less than Uruguay’s 120 and Portugal and 60, and thanks to reaching the semi-finals twice in its first 20 years of World Cup participation.
Competing in their first ever major international tournament as in independent nation at Euro 96, Croatia not only scored its first ever goal at a major tournament , but the team reached the quarter finals, losing only to a dodgy referee decision against Germany, where Matthias Sammer bodyslammed his defender to the ground before scoring the decisive goal and eliminating the debutants. Then at France 98, the side went all the way to the semi-finals (taking revenge on the Germans and smashing them in the quarters) and even took the lead against France early in the second half, before Lilian Thuram scored twice on his only two ever forays past the half-way line in his career.
Continuing their pheromonal run after entering the international scene, Croatia have qualified for almost every World Cup and European Championships ever since (only missing out on Euro 2000 after failing to defeat Yugoslavia in the first post-independence match between the two held in Croatia) and the 2010 World Cup. And whereas Uruguay has recently made a strong case to reclaim the title of best team in World Cup history based on π = πππππππ + πΌ(π β ππ) Γ· T , Uruguay’s recent World Cup and continental scalps simply don’t match the scale of Croatia’s, which include then-defending continental champions Germany at France 98, then-three time champs Italy at Korea/Japan 2002, eventual finalists Germany again at Euro 2008, then-defending champions Spain at Euro 2016, and Argentina and England at the 2018 World Cup. It is not Croatia, not Uruguay, not Germany, not Italy, and only Brazil that can match their clip of at least a semi-final appearance every three World Cups.
After reaching the final in Russia four years ago, Vatreni are back for another crack at it in Qatar (after a hilarious decisive own goal bundled in by a clearly severely physically and mentally injured Russian defender Fyodor Kudryashov) and are heavily favoured to get out of a group featuring two lower ranked teams (Morocco and Canada) and one above them (Belgium), at least according to the FIFA world rankings. However, when one thinks about it in terms of the last 120 years, and once one applies the aforementioned formula, Belgium, Uruguay kind of looks pretty shitty and Croatia, far and away, reign supreme over the entire world of international football (and a bunch of other sportsβsee below).
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*NOTE: If you look at it another way, Croatia are the biggest losers at the World Cup, as no team has lost as many World Cup semi-finals (1) and finals (1) in such a short time.
Another way to look at it is that If π = losses in big matches Γ· T, then its Croatia who undoubtedly hold the throne as the World’s biggest losers.
One to watch: That you wear your Croatian water polo cap at all times
Whether at sporting venues, at work, on the street, in hospitality venues, in places of worship or even at home, locals are required by law to wear Croatian national water polo team caps at all times. A law first insituted after the Euro 2016 group match between Croatia due to Corluka, . Citizens and visitors are reminded that the wearing of a Croatian national water polo team cap is mandatory in all public and private places in Croatia at all times.
The Highpoint: Take your pick… Reaching the World Cup Final in 2018, 3rd at France 98, the Euro 96 Croatian team, the ’92 Croatia basketball team, the ’96 Croatia men’s Olympic water polo team, the ’96 Croatian men’s Olympic handball team, Goran Ivanisevic, Drazen Petrovic, Iva Majoli, seriously, take your pick
In the first handful of years since gaining independence, Croatia defeated Italy in its own backyard, qualifying for Euro 96 and in its first international football tournament, it reached the quarter-finals. Two years later, after qualifying for the World Cup in its first attempt, it went all the way to third place. And in only its sixth World Cup it reached the final. It had almost the best team in the men’s basketball at the 1992 Barcelona Olympics (apart from the greatest sports team ever assembled) and Drazen Petrovic was arguably, nay, was probably better than Michael Jordan. In its first ever international competition, the Croatian men’s water polo team won silver at the same Olympic games. In its first Olympics, the Croatian men’s handball team won gold. Iva Majoli, grandslam winner in 1997. Goran Ivanisevic, grand slam winner.
Learn the lingo & speak like a local!
Upcoming matches
FIFA WORLD CUP QATAR 2022 | GROUP STAGE
23 Nov 2022
MOROCCO π²π¦ x ππ· CROATIA
27 Nov 2022
CROATIA ππ· x π¨π¦ CANADA
1 Dec 2022
CROATIA ππ· x π§πͺ BELGIUM