Ahhhh Spain…. A land of vibrant culture, rich tastes, and loud and occasionally annoying as fuck noises. It’s a country of great complexity and simultaneous simplicity in the sometimes colourful, sometimes charming and sometimes fuck me, goddamn shut the fuck up you cunts types of noises that are emitted from it. But there’s more to Spain than just food and noises, there’s also wine!
Today we feature the illegal red Spanish milk known as Sangria, and specifically Don Simon’s €1.39 1.25L Bottle that you can buy from the supermarket down the street in my fucked up, disgusting, smells-like-human-piss-seriously-fucking-everywhere neighbourhood. Mmmm….Sangri-yum!
(And be sure to check out the other fine wines featured in our ¡Wine! series)
Tint: Red
Red is the colour of this liquid. If yours is something else, say white or orange, tranquilo hombre, just return it and get your money back, because you may have just accidentally bought milk or Gatorade instead. Return your bottle of milk or Gatorade and get yourself a bottle of Don Simon’s €1.39 bottle of Sangria and your friends will love you for it! Olé!
Aroma: Nothing. Plus sugar.
Sugar is the smell you pick up when inhaling this bad boy, and that is all. If you smell something else, once again, check the label, you may have purchased something else by accident.
Body:
When you put this alcoholic Spanish disaster in your mouth, you can’t help but note that it is a liquid that was mostly designed for ingestion into your body, and only a little bit to pour all over your letterbox to attract bees in an attempt to lure the queen out of her nest so you can finally haphazardly pull it down with a broom and hold it up victoriously to your wife while you tell her, ‘Here, you happy now?’ because she’s been asking you ‘Would you get someone to get rid of those fucking bees?’ for months now.
Alcohol: 7.5%
Just in that sweet spot between you thinking ‘Wow. Spain is the best!’ and necessarily pushing back terrifying thoughts of “Fuck me… €1 Sangria from a plastic bottle… I’m 37 years old, is this how I thought my life would be right now?’ Viva España and viva Sangria!
Origin:
The supermarket down the street in my fucked up, gross ass neighbourhood that stinks so bad you actually start thinking to yourself, ‘Do I maybe need to actually wash the inside of my nostrils, because I just smell urine all the fucking time.‘ This region is not typically known for its wines and is an up-and-comer on the international wine scene.
Sturdiness:
Very (see below).
Perfect for:
– High-powered corporate dinners where you discuss graphs and all the money and where it all went and why and how
– a second or third date with your sweetheart (or even first, you sly dog!), if you’re hoping to get lucky and explode your groin on your date as you yell at each other’s faces while performing the mutual, horrific act of crotch terrorism, the act that God shall harshly punish you for soon enough. Just you wait.
– A surprise party for your brother who you are secretly stealing money from
– Celebratory drinks for successfully completed monthly scalp examination
– The 2 dozen or so crows that live in your bedroom and fly around in your house and you have no idea how to get rid of. Maybe this is what they want? Please let it be, for Christ’s sake. You’re at your wit’s end.
Pair it with:
Whatever. Just eat something, anything, because at best you’re going to have a cunt of a headache tomorrow morning, at worst you’ll be vomiting a little in your mouth as you brush your teeth, so why not match Don Simon’s famous sangria with some Fiorentina steak or Lamb Thai Green Curry so you have something to chew on it as comes back up while scrubbing your molars the next morning. Mmm-mmm! Did someone say ‘Seconds?!’
My Rating: 10/10
This bottle of liquid Latin garbage or ‘Sangria’ (Spanish for ‘The disgusting Mediterranean sodomy juice that infuriates The Almighty further with every drop Mankind consumes, and matches the colour of the pulp He shall squeeze from every sinner’s eyeballs upon the Day of Reckoning’) gets my top rating! You can’t beat this fine drop, so grab yourself a bottle from the supermarket in my disgusting, stinks like ass neighbourhood and enjoy! You’ll be singing and dancing the Macarena with your friends before you can even say ‘No wonder it costs 1 fucking Euro.’ Salud!