***I DON’T HAVE FIFA’S PRIOR WRITTEN CONSENT TO USE, TALK, THINK OR YELL AT RANDOS FROM MY BALCONY ABOUT ANY NAMES, COUNTRIES OR EVENTS MENTIONED IN MY FIFA WORLD CUP QATAR 2022 COVERAGE, SO FOR COPYRIGHT REASONS FROM HERE ON IN, THE EVENT WILL BE REFERRED TO AS QLAMQTAR 2022.***

The Qlamqtar 2022 World Cup’s only about 14 moons away (depending on your own set of lunar circumstances), and the first ever World Cup held in the Arab world promises to be a real doozy. World Cup history is a tale resplendent with stories of triumph against the odds, childhood dreams coming true and unsung heroes becoming legends. As well as dumb idiot losers, wanker fuck ups and teams that are just total bullshit.

But how shall ye learn about these legends, losers and teams that are just total bullshit? Well look no further my wayward friend as I profile all 211 FIFA nations eligible for World Cup qualification. Today, I take a look at Japan, competing in its seventh (and seventh straight) FIFA World Cup. 

JAPAN
Getting the hang of this soccer thing since 1998

Nickname: サムライ・ブルー (Blue Samurai)
FIFA Ranking: 24 (October 2022)
FIFA World Cup 2022 Qualification result: Qualified

It’s only in the last 25 years that Japan have experienced any form of success on the soccer pitch as for centuries a staunchly traditional culture focused all its efforts on the country’s most venerated sport, dodgeball. However, having qualified for every FIFA World Cup since its inaugural participation in 1998, the Blue Samurai are starting to get the hang of the game by only kicking the ball, instead of picking it up and trying to beanball the opposition or peg it at their heads in attempt to get them ‘out’.

One to watch: Captain Tsubasa

The proclaimed “Heaven-sent Child of Football” (“Soccer No Moshigo” in Japanese), Captain Tsubasa grew up with the dream of one day winning the world cup with Japan, and after being picked up by the world’s biggest clubs like Barcelona and taking the Blue Samurai to the Olympic Games, he seemed destined to do so. However, after some career missteps and poor management he was soon forced to lower his  expectations and just hoped to participate in a World Cup with Japan. And now, he’s had to concede defeat and drop the bar even further, at this point hoping to even just get watch a world game on TV, but that all depends on if his boss Handa-San down at the car dealership lets him have the day off.

The highpoint: 21 minutes away from the quarter finals, 2018 World Cup

Now a fixture of the World Cup, Japan only reached its first in 1998. It’s now been at every edition since, winning five matches and reaching the round of 16 three times in its six trips, being eliminated by the eventual third placed team on each occasion. It was knocked out by Turkey in 2002 in its backyard, by Uruguay in 2010, but it really blew it in 2018 when it was leading Belgium 2-0 and was just 21 minutes away from a quarter final matchup against Brazil. Disastrously they let in a Vertonghen goal from a thousand metres away, then another, and then a late fatal blow by Chadli knocked Japan out 3-2, but at least it gave them a brand new, even more fucked up story of how they blew reaching the World Cup quarter finals.

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Upcoming Schedule

WORLD CUP QATAR 2022 | GROUP STAGE
23 Nov 2022
GERMANY 🇩🇪 x 🇯🇵 JAPAN

27 Nov 2022
JAPAN 🇯🇵 x 🇨🇷 COSTA RICA

1 Dec 2022
JAPAN 🇯🇵 x 🇪🇸 SPAIN

—

| World Cup Qualifying | Asia Round 3

Oct 7
Saudi Arabia 🇸🇦  X 🇯🇵  Japan

Oct 12
Japan 🇯🇵  X 🇦🇺  Australia

Nov 11
Vietnam 🇻🇳  X 🇯🇵  Japan