***I DON’T HAVE FIFA’S PRIOR WRITTEN CONSENT TO USE, TALK, THINK OR EVEN YELL AT RANDOS FROM MY BALCONY ABOUT ANY NAMES, COUNTRIES OR EVENTS MENTIONED IN MY FIFA WORLD CUP QATAR 2022 COVERAGE, SO FOR COPYRIGHT REASONS FROM HERE ON IN, THE EVENT WILL BE REFERRED TO AS QLAMQTAR 2022.***
The Qlamqtar 2022 World Cup is only about 6 moons away (depending on your own set of lunar circumstances) and the first ever World Cup held in the Arab world promises to be a real doozy. World Cup history is a tale resplendent with stories of triumph against the odds, childhood dreams coming true and unsung heroes becoming legends. As well as dumb idiot losers, wanker fuck ups and teams that are just total bullshit.
But how shall ye learn about these legends, losers and teams that are just total bullshit? Well look no further my wayward friend as I profile all 211 FIFA nations eligible for World Cup qualification. Today, I take a look at Uzbekistan, which is yet to qualify for a World Cup.
UZBEKISTAN
Making all other Stans super jeal
Nickname: The White Wolves
FIFA Ranking: 83 (Mar 2022)
FIFA World Cup 2022 Qualification result: Failed to advance from second round (AFC) group stage, finishing below UAE and Vietnam
Tajikistan. Kyrgyzstan. Turkmenistan. Kazakhstan. Afghanistan and Pakistan. Even the CONIFA (non-FIFA affiliated) Kurdistan Region and East Turkestan. All they do is lie in their beds late at night, staring at their phones, scrolling though the Uzbekistan national team’s Instagram, mad jeal, not liking any of their pics and occasionally leaving snarky comments (but then deleting them shortly after, because ‘they don’t deserve it’).
Their unhealthy obsession with tracking the perfect life of the far-superior Uzbekistan national team started in 1994, when the White Wolves won their first international competition they had competed in after gaining independence following the dissolution of the Soviet Union, the 1994 Asian Games. However, instead of then trying to emulate the White Wolves success, working hard on the training track and investing time and effort into grassroots development, all the other Stans have preferred to just spend the last 28 years super jeal and just trolling and hating on Uzbekistan instead.
When Uzbekistan qualified for their first Asian Cup in 1996, all the Stans found the Uzbekistan national team’s ICQ ID and flooded it with hateful emoticons. Then in 2000, they did basically the same, just on MSN Messenger. Next, when Uzbekistan made the Asian Cup quarters in 2004, all the other Stans forwarded the scam email from the Nigerian Prince to Uzbekistan like a billion times. After that, in 2007, when the White Wolves reached the quarters again, all the other Stans bombarded Uzbekistan national team’s Myspace page with dick pics, and in 2011 when the team made the Semis, they just scoffed at their Facebook timeline and liked all the pics where the Uzbeks look dumb or fugly.
Ever since the Uzbek national team’s watershed moment in 2011, the other Stans have continued their bitterness, even more blatantly.
The trolling then switched to Instagram and has since continued as the White Wolves made the quarters again in the 2015 Asian Cup and then the round of 16 in 2019. The other Stans just won’t let up, and can’t seem to get over the fact that the closest ranked team is Kyrgyzstan, a full 12 places below at 95th in the FIFA World Rankings.
With the other Stans dwelling several rungs below the Uzbeks in the World rankings, look out if the White Wolves finally make their first World Cup in the expanded version in 2026 (which looks more and more likely with their recent trajectory). And whatever you do, don’t tell the other Stans about the Instagram of Uzbekistan’s Under-23 side, who have won the Asian Cup once (the only ‘Stan’ and only ‘anything’ to do so) and just fell short in being the first team to win it for a second time today, in the final of the 2022 tournament.
One to watch: Your 2 VISA applications, if you want to go to the beach
Uzbekistan is one of the world’s two double landlocked countries (the other being Liechtenstein), so if you’re in Uzbekistan and get a sudden hankering for some sun, sand and surf, you better first make sure you’ve got at least TWO (2) VISAs. Because as the old saying goes in Uzbekistan: ‘He who wants to go beach, he must first possess the combination of VISAs of either Turkmenistan & Iran, Afghanistan & Pakistan or if he be truly desperate, Kazakhstan & Russia.’
The Highpoint: Semi-finals, Asian Cup 2011
Lead by two-time Asian football of the year, Server Djeparov, the Uzbeks fell just short of competing for the continental crown in Qatar in 2011. Well, they did get trounced 6-0 by Australia in the semi-final, but you know what, why don’t you try being part of the Soviet Union until its collapse in 1991, and the Russia Empire before that, and the Persian empire and Mongol empires before that, and then, only 20 years after a over 2000-year, painfully long wait for independence, and then trying to go all the way in a continental tournament? Yeah, exactly. Didn’t think so.
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Upcoming matches
AFC Asian Cup 2023
TBD