***I DON’T HAVE FIFA’S PRIOR WRITTEN CONSENT TO USE, TALK, THINK OR EVEN YELL AT RANDOS FROM MY BALCONY ABOUT ANY NAMES, COUNTRIES OR EVENTS MENTIONED IN MY FIFA WORLD CUP QATAR 2022 COVERAGE, SO FOR COPYRIGHT REASONS FROM HERE ON IN, THE EVENT WILL BE REFERRED TO AS QLAMQTAR 2022.***
The Qlamqtar 2022 World Cup is only about 7 moons away (depending on your own set of lunar circumstances) and the first ever World Cup held in the Arab world promises to be a real doozy. World Cup history is a tale resplendent with stories of triumph against the odds, childhood dreams coming true and unsung heroes becoming legends. As well as dumb idiot losers, wanker fuck ups and teams that are just total bullshit.
But how shall ye learn about these legends, losers and teams that are just total bullshit? Well look no further my wayward friend as I profile all 211 FIFA nations eligible for World Cup qualification. Today, I take a look at Niger, which is yet to qualify for a World Cup.
NIGER
😬
Nickname: The Ména (THANK GOD)
FIFA Ranking: 130 (Mar 2022)
FIFA World Cup 2022 Qualification result: Failed to advance from second round (CAF), finishing behind Algeria and Burkina Faso in Group A.
Ummm….. hmmm… how do I do this… Shit, I’m freaking out… Oh well, here goes fucking nothing….
So… This team, let’s just call themmmm…. I dunno… FUCK… by their nickname shall we?… Oh God… 😅 …
Let me start again… Let’s be honest, this country, (see name above, can be pronounced however you want, it’s entirely up to you, just do not ask me how) has been doing us all a big favour by not having ever qualified for a World Cup, because AHEM…Oh dear baby Jesus… well, frankly… you know… just, thanks guys… thanks. Thanks for not making it all awkward for us by forcing us to you know, say it…
*Legal Disclaimer: Whyyoudo.it or David Martin are not liable for your pronunciation. To wit, your pronunciation does not represent that of the author of this post, particularly apropos names of nations profiled
Just wondering Ména, is there anything else we can call you? Just out of curiosity… it’s got nothing to do with your actual name, it’s just maybe there’s like, another name your friends call you? Just saying, it’s cool to have a nickname isn’t it? I’ve got this friend called Jones and we call him ‘Jonesy’. Now, isn’t that fun? Wouldn’t you like that? Please dear God, Jesus and Allah say yes. Maybe we can call you by your FIFA Code? Great idea, right?! Well, let’s see what it is…
‘NIG’.
Oh God. Forget it. Forget I said anything.
What was I saying?
Ok anyway, moving on, I’ll do my best… So thankfully this nation’s national soccer team’s been in the international wilderness since their first international in 1961, because were you more of a presence, well, OH GOD…. we’d have to, I guess, refer to you… and I’m guessing over and over too… and dear God, we’d just pray we’re saying it right… God, it’s hot… Are you hot? And I’m sorry, am I talking really loud? I feel like I’m talking really loud.
Anyway, real chill, guys, thanks a bunch… You know, we’re so glad that you’ve been pretty much a no show in the international arena and that your best ever World Cup qualifying performance was like a thousand years ago in 1982, where you got past Somalia and Togo, but even then you didn’t qualify after losing to Algeria. Cheers, dudes. Legends. Like, if you had made it, well we don’t want to talk about it…
I don’t know why you had to make 2010 so awkward though, when you happened to win the UEMOA cup in the same year the World Cup was coming to Africa. With the world’s eyes directed at Africa more than ever before, you just had to take the stage and claim your one and only international trophy. Not cool.
Thankfully, in qualifying for the 2022 World Cup, you once again failed to advance to the playoffs and thank fuck for that. Being grouped with Recent FIFA Arab Cup Winners Algeria and perennial African stalwarts Burkina Faso was super cool, as you slowly faded into the background and made yourself scarce quick smart, as Algeria won the group and moved on. Result. Cheers, guys.
Worryingly however, things are looking up for… oh god… whatever this team’s called… as they’ve been grouped with Algeria, Uganda and Tanzania in qualifying for AFCON 2023 and since they just need to finish in the top two to advance to the tournament, NI…….. Nah. Fuck this. Can’t do this. I’m out. Fuck it, I’m done.
One to watch: This Sex Ed video from the 80s
Clocking in at of 6.7 children per women, Niger has the highest fertility rate of the world. Such soaring numbers are usually the result of poor economic conditions, lack of access to preventative measures, poor living conditions and limited sexual education and awareness. With that in mind, Hey Ladies of Niger, perhaps this Sex Ed video from the 80s about how cool virginity can help! And the best part is, since availability of the internet and other technology is patchy at best, it’s available for you on VHS. Enjoy, Be Cool and Stay Pure!
The Highpoint: Winners of the World’s most coveted international soccer trophy in 2010 (for nations part of the West African Economic and Monetary Union)
Similar to Tanzania, who in 2010 claimed the world’s ultimate international soccer prize (for nations in East Africa and a bit in central Africa), Niger were the winners of the world’s most coveted international soccer trophy in 2010 (for nations in the West African Economic and Monetary Union) on home soil, defeating Benin 1-0 in the final. For the first time in history, the FIFA World Cup came to Africa and ultimately, it was the Ména who were the glorious champions (of the highest prize for nations in UEMOA).
Learn the lingo & speak like a local!
Upcoming matches
AFRICA CUP OF NATIONS 2023 IVORY COAST | GROUP STAGE
4 June 2022
NIGER 🇳🇪 x 🇹🇿 TANZANIA
8 June 2022
UGANDA 🇺🇬 x 🇳🇪 NIGER
19 Sep 2022
ALGERIA 🇩🇿 x 🇳🇪 NIGER