Qlamqtar 2022 FIFA World Cup | Team Profile | MALDIVES: Glug glug glug

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***I DON’T HAVE FIFA’S PRIOR WRITTEN CONSENT TO USE, TALK, THINK OR EVEN YELL AT RANDOSFROM MY BALCONY ABOUT ANY NAMES, COUNTRIES OR EVENTS MENTIONED IN MY FIFA WORLD CUP QATAR 2022 COVERAGE, SO FOR COPYRIGHT REASONS FROM HERE ON IN, THE EVENT WILL BE REFERRED TO AS QLAMQTAR 2022.***

The Qlamqtar 2022 World Cup’s only about 14 moons away (depending on your own set of lunar circumstances), and the first ever World Cup held in the Arab world promises to be a real doozy. World Cup history is a tale resplendent with stories of triumph against the odds, childhood dreams coming true and unsung heroes becoming legends. As well as dumb idiot losers, wanker fuck ups and teams that are just total bullshit.

But how shall ye learn about these legends, losers and teams that are just total bullshit? Well look no further my wayward friend as I profile all 211 FIFA nations eligible for World Cup qualification. Today, I take a look at Maldives, which is yet to qualify for the World Cup

To gain access to soccer fields in Maldives, players need to first successfully wade through their surrounding bloody, shark-infested waters

MALDIVES
Glug glug glug

A member of the Maldivian national team works on his headers during training

Nickname: The Sea/The Red Snappers
FIFA Ranking: 156 (Oct 2021)
FIFA World Cup 2022 Qualification result: Failed to qualify

Rising sea levels are of particular concern to Maldives as over 80% of its islands are less than one metre (3.3ft) above sea level. Not only does this gravely worry the nation’s half a million inhabitants but it makes any attempts at playing soccer difficult, not to mention incredibly perilous. While training sessions or matches are in progress, players must keep one eye on the ball and the other on the tide as training sessions often either at best descend into a waterlogged farce on a flooded pitch, or at worst a grisly bloodbath where players are savagely dismembered by tiger sharks.

One to watch: Ali Ashfaq

Recognized as The Red Snappers’ greatest ever player, Ali Ashfaq is seen here executing a perfect bicycle kick in a Maldives league match

The highpoint: Holding South Korea to a 0-0 draw and defeating Vietnam in 2006 World Cup qualification.

A Maldives FA official trawls through the record books at the Associations’ headquarters

These appear to be the best things that the Maldives have every achieved in the World Cup. So savour them, because soon, all its record books will soon be under water.

Learn the lingo & speak like a local!

A typical day in the life of a Maldivian office worker

Upcoming matches
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