***I DON’T HAVE FIFA’S PRIOR WRITTEN CONSENT TO USE, TALK, THINK OR EVEN YELL AT RANDOS FROM MY BALCONY ABOUT ANY NAMES, COUNTRIES OR EVENTS MENTIONED IN MY FIFA WORLD CUP QATAR 2022 COVERAGE, SO FOR COPYRIGHT REASONS FROM HERE ON IN, THE EVENT WILL BE REFERRED TO AS QLAMQTAR 2022.***

The Qlamqtar 2022 World Cup’s only about 11 moons away (depending on your own set of lunar circumstances)

and the first ever World Cup held in the Arab world promises to be a real doozy. World Cup history is a tale resplendent with stories of triumph against the odds, childhood dreams coming true and unsung heroes becoming legends. As well as dumb idiot losers, wanker fuck ups and teams that are just total bullshit.

But how shall ye learn about these legends, losers and teams that are just total bullshit? Well look no further my wayward friend as I profile all 211 FIFA nations eligible for World Cup qualification. Today, I take a look at Bahrain, who are yet to qualify for the World Cup.

BAHRAIN
Still beating itself up about its first chat with the Prophet Muhammed 1397 years ago

Nickname: The Reds
FIFA Ranking: 91 (Sep 2021)

Bahrain’s meet-cute with the the Prophet Muhammed in A.H. 2 of the Islamic Calendar (624CE) like, SO did not go how it wanted it to go. Yeesh. And they still haven’t gotten over it either. GOD how embarrassing.

It was that day, that awful AWFUL day, when the Prophet Muhammad first interacted with the people of Bahrain. Upon receiving intelligence that the Banu Saleem tribe were planning to invade the holy city of Medina, in what is current day Saudi Arabia, he immediately responded to threat by launching a preemptive strike on the belligerents at the Al Kudr watering hole. Which like, would be cool and all, but he also found out that tribes were amassing in Bahrain, and Bahrain could just so tell that this part pissed off The Praiser (of Allah) the most.

Can you believe it?

That was SO NOT the first impression Bahrain wanted to leave on the The Final Prophet. UGH THEY’RE SUCH IDIOTSSSSS. Bahrain had imagined how it would go LIKE A MILLION TIMES in their heads (they even had written down a list of things to talk about) and when it happened and they finally met The Most Highly Praised they were gonna just be like all nonchalant and whatever about it, just acting cool but not too cool, ya know, and like, mysterious and interested but not desperate or starstruck or anything. Cause that would be so lame. But you never get a second chance to make a first impression and UGH Bahrain TOTALLY BLEW IT. KILL THEM, JUST KILL THEM. BAHRAIN JUST WANTSS TO DIEEEEEE&*^@!*#&^!&*T&*! 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭

And sadly, it’s this crippling lack of confidence and resulting gunshyness that may be to blame for the national soccer team’s failure to ever qualify for the world cup, including two losses at the final hurdle, the intercontinental playoff, against Trinidad and Tobago in 2005 and New Zealand in 2009.

One to watch: The Tree of Life

Just 2km from Bahrain’s highest point and separated from any other form of vegetation, lies the country’s celebrated Tree of Life, a 400-year old prosopis cineraria tree, celebrated for its ability to thrive in the desolate Arabian desert, far removed from any water source. It is the only tree in the surrounding area, and while experts and locals disagree on how it actually survives and where it obtains its water from, one thing’s starkly clear: throughout Bahrain’s relatively stable political and cultural history, no one has remained as stable and reliable as this gargantuan leafy character. Barrenness and lack of supply have been no excuse for this enormous wooden beast, so who better to try lift the national team out of their recent dry spell? With this silent behemoth at the national team wheel, imparting the wealth of wisdom picked up over a life of hardship, who knows what The Reds are capable of. Someone give this guy a clipboard and get him straight to the Bahraini dugout!

The highpoint: failing twice at the final qualification stage, the intercontinental playoffs (for the 2006 and 2010 editions).

Bahrain were just one playoff away from not only the 2006 World Cup but also the 2010 one too. Had they overcome either Trinidad and Tobago in 2005 or New Zealand in 2009, maybe we’d all be all saying, ‘Bahrain, yeah that’s the gulf state that lies between Saudi Arabia and Qatar with a population 1.748 million (2021 figure)!’ and not, ‘What’s a Bahrain?’

Learn the lingo & speak like a local!

Upcoming matches

FIFA ARAB CUP | Qatar 2021
30 Nov
QATAR 🇶🇦 x 🇧🇭 BAHRAIN

Dec 3
BAHRAIN 🇧🇭 x 🇮🇶 IRAQ

Dec 6|
OMAN 🇴🇲 x 🇧🇭 BAHRAIN