***I DON’T HAVE FIFA’S PRIOR WRITTEN CONSENT TO USE, TALK, THINK OR EVEN YELL AT RANDOS FROM MY BALCONY ABOUT ANY NAMES, COUNTRIES OR EVENTS MENTIONED IN MY FIFA WORLD CUP QATAR 2022 COVERAGE, SO FOR COPYRIGHT REASONS FROM HERE ON IN, THE EVENT WILL BE REFERRED TO AS QLAMQTAR 2022.***
The Qlamqtar 2022 World Cup is only about one moon away (depending on your own set of lunar circumstances) and the first ever World Cup held in the Arab world promises to be a real doozy. World Cup history is a tale resplendent with stories of triumph against the odds, childhood dreams coming true and unsung heroes becoming legends. As well as dumb idiot losers, wanker fuck ups and teams that are just total bullshit.
But how shall ye learn about these legends, losers and teams that are just total bullshit? Well look no further my wayward friend as I profile all 211 FIFA nations eligible for World Cup qualification. Today, I take a look at Türkiye, which has qualified for the World Cup twice.
TÜRKIYE
Dramas 🎬
Nickname: Ay-Yıldızlılar (The Crescent-Stars), Bizim Çocuklar (Our Boys)
FIFA Ranking: 45 (October 2022)
FIFA World Cup 2022 Qualification result: Failed to advance from group stage (UEFA), eliminated by Portugal 2-1 in UEFA playoffs
Stars of two epics (and a few other lesser known productions), Türkiye’s performances have been met with mixed reviews. So grab some popcorn, a huge ass jumbo Coke and let’s take a look back at their forays onto the silver screen:
1. THE STORY OF TÜRKIYE AT THE 1954 WORLD CUP
(1954) Horror/Drama/Disaster
★★★
In 1954, Turkey went to its first World Cup, four years after it qualified for the 1950 World Cup in Brazil but then withdrewn. In Switzerland, Türkiye got smashed by West Germany, then smashed South Korea, then got smashed by West Germany again in the first round playoff, eliminating it from the tournament and beginning a World Cup drought of 58 years.
2. THE STORY OF TÜRKIYE AT THE 2002 WORLD CUP
(2002) Action/tragedy/Feel-good/Coming-of-age story
★★★★1/2
This is Türkiye’s magnum opus. It starts out disappointingly (with a narrow loss to Brazil), then hits a dull patch (a draw with Costa Rica), before finally coming to life (a win against China). This near-masterpiece flies through the quarter finals (a defeat of hosts Japan), then features a twist where Türkiye snuffs out a fairytale (beating debutants Senegal in the quarter finals) before finally screeching to a gripping and devastating halt with a fatal blow for the protagonist (a loss to Brazil in the semi-finals). Sweeping to a final beautiful moment, this magnificent journey ends with a satisfying crescendo (smashing the other co-host South Korea in the third place playoff).
3. THE STORY OF TÜRKIYE AT EURO 2008
(2008) Dramedy
★★★★1/2
Russia was a revelation, Spain finally got off its ass and won something, but it was Turkey that was the real story of Euro 2008, with two crazy ass last second finishes to first beat the Czech Republic and then Croatia before ultimately falling the Germany (which is pretty much Turkey anyway).
4. BURAK YILMAZ’S HAT-TRICK VERSUS NETHERLANDS IN A 3-2 WIN IN WORLD CUP QUALIFYING
(2021) Heroic/Thriller/Disappointment
★★★★
Turkey kicked off its attempt at qualifying for its third World Cup against the Netherlands in Istanbul. Then Burak Yilmaz went BANG, then BOOM and then KABLAMMY. Hat-trick. Turkey would go on to win 3-2, before ultimately just falling over the line into second spot in the group and then losing its World Cup playoff semi-final to Portugal 3-1 (after Burak Yilmaz missed a penalty at 2-1 down).
5. THE TALE OF TÜRKIYE’S DEPRESSING SOLITARY VICORY AT EURO 1996
(1996) Comedy
★
Don’t miss the story of Türkiye’s participation at Euro 1996 in England, where it didn’t score a single goal, got eliminated at the group stage and Turkish defender Alpay Özalan depressingly won a UEFA Fair Play award for not bringing down Goran Vlaovic in the dying stages of its opening match, a decision that lead to Croatia scoring its first ever goal and winning its first ever match at an international tournament, defeating Turkey 1-0. Classic.
One to watch: Everyone’s a (self-hating) drummer
The world’s most famous percussion brand Zildjian was founded in the 17th century Ottoman Empire, meaning that today everyone in Türkiye is a drummer, but they hate themselves for it. Because although Zildjian is essentially a Turkish brand, *ahem* it was created by an, ahh, how do I put this, ummm, ehhh, Armenian. So although Turks have a history of banging and crashing like monsters on the skins and cymbals, just keep the Armenian thing on the DL.
The Highpoint: Third place, 2002 World Cup
In the World Cup, Turkey did in two go’s what about 97% of countries have never (or in the case of Portugal and Croatia, in one fewer) – finish third at the World Cup. But if you consider 1954 as not counting because you know, it’s fucking ages ago, then Turkey’s bronze at its “first” World Cup in 2002 was a mindblowing achievement.
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