***I DON’T HAVE FIFA’S PRIOR WRITTEN CONSENT TO USE, TALK, THINK OR EVEN YELL AT RANDOS FROM MY BALCONY ABOUT ANY NAMES, COUNTRIES OR EVENTS MENTIONED IN MY FIFA WORLD CUP QATAR 2022 COVERAGE, SO FOR COPYRIGHT REASONS FROM HERE ON IN, THE EVENT WILL BE REFERRED TO AS QLAMQTAR 2022.***

The Qlamqtar 2022 World Cup is only about two moons away (depending on your own set of lunar circumstances) and the first ever World Cup held in the Arab world promises to be a real doozy. World Cup history is a tale resplendent with stories of triumph against the odds, childhood dreams coming true and unsung heroes becoming legends. As well as dumb idiot losers, wanker fuck ups and teams that are just total bullshit.

But how shall ye learn about these legends, losers and teams that are just total bullshit? Well look no further my wayward friend as I profile all 211 FIFA nations eligible for World Cup qualification. Today, I take a look at San Marino, which is yet to qualify for a World Cup.

SAN MARINO
Where were you on 28th April 2004?

Nickname: La Serenissima
FIFA Ranking: 211 (October 2022)
FIFA World Cup 2022 Qualification result: Failed to advance from group stage (UEFA) finishing below

April 28th, 2004 started out as another regular day in the microstate of San Marino–its people woke up, took a walk around the entire perimeter of its country in 10 mins, and didn’t get murdered (0 homicides in San Marino in 2017) or get in a car accident (0 recorded in 2018). Little did they know, the entire world was about to change that night, as San Marino won its first (and to this day, its only) match.

Where were you on the night of April 28th 2004? When San Marino, historically one of the world’s worst ranked teams (and officially the worst since 2018), took the field for a friendly against Liechtenstein? Where were you when five minutes in, San Marino won a free kick just outside the area? And when from the resultant strike by Andy Selva, it took a 1-0 lead against the minnow Liechtensteiners? Where were you, hmm? What were you doing at the time?

And where were you throughout the rest of the first half? Or during the half-time break for that matter, as the Sanmarinese went into the changerooms with a lead for the first time in its history? When it managed to repel attack after attack by Liechtenstein and finally, once the referee blew for full-time record its. First. And. Only. Ever. Victory?

Furthermore, where were you when San Marino didn’t win even one other match it’s ever played? Not even one competitive match? What were you up to when it got every one of its six draws in competitive matches? Or when it lost all 163 competitive matches (out of a total of 169)? Hmm? And where were you when it scored every goal in its history?

The latter events were all huge, but much like 9/11 or the day of Coronavirus, no one, no one will ever forget where they were on 28th April 2004, the night when San Marino became a winning side for the first (and only) time.

One to watch: The national team, to see who lives there

The landlocked microstate enclave of San Marino has the smallest population among FIFA’s 211 member nations, and its entire citizenry can be seen every time its national team takes the field. Add up the players on the field plus the 5 or 6 Sanmarrinese watching in the crowd and there you have it–the entire population of San Marino.

This situation especially comes in handy for San Marino locals who want to know what they’re friends or family members are up to at the time, as instead of having to text them and wait for a reply, a simple glance down on the field or in the stands will answer that question in two seconds.

The Highpoint: Leading England 1-0 in World Cup 1994 qualifying

On 17th November 1993, England came into the final group match of European qualifying against San Marino needing a 8-0 win and for Poland to hold the Netherlands to a draw on the same night in Poznań to qualify for the 1994 World Cup (an English win by any margin and a Netherlands loss would also have sufficed). And what happened? Well, you can probably guess.

The English conceded a goal to San Marino 7 seconds after kick-off, meaning San Marino has at one point lead England and were only 89 minutes, 53 seconds (plus stoppage time) from a famous win.

It wasn’t to be though, as the away team immediately rallied and won the match comprehensively, but insufficiently, 7-1, while in Poland, the Poles didn’t do the English a favour at all did they, with the Netherlands coming out on top 3-1 and in turn securing its place at the World Cup, at the expense of the English.

What a night. Netherlands booked its ticket to the World in USA, San Marino got a great story out of it, meanwhile, England were eliminated and missed USA 94 altogether. Classic.

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