The 2030 FIFA World Cup in Spain, Portugal & Morocco is only 189 Wheel of Nations spins/weeks away and it promises to be a real doozy. World Cup history is a tale resplendent with stories of triumph against the odds, childhood dreams coming true and unsung heroes becoming legends. As well as dumb idiot losers, wanker fuck-ups and teams that are just total bullshit.
But how shall ye learn about these legends, losers and teams that are just total bullshit? Well look no further my wayward friend as I, together with the Almighty Wheel (There is only One Wheel, The Roundest One, and FAFO is its Prophet), profile all 211 FIFA member associations eligible for World Cup qualification. Today, I take a look at Iran, which has qualified for the World Cup six times.
IRAN
Getting great mileage out of the “Only Allah is perfect” defence
Nickname: Team Melli
FIFA Ranking: 23 (Oct 2026)
Qualified for World Cup Finals: 7 times – 1978, 1998, 2006, 2014, 2018, 2022 and 2026
Best WC result: 2018 group stage: Iran earned four points in Russia, beating Morocco 1–0, narrowly losing to Spain 1–0 and drawing 1–1 with Cristiano Ronaldo’s Portugal. They finished third, just one point behind Spain and Portugal, and came agonisingly close to reaching the last 16 for the first time.
FIFA World Cup 2026 result: Group stage, undefeated but eliminated: Iran drew all three matches — 2–2 with New Zealand, 0–0 with Belgium and 1–1 with Egypt. Three points, third in Group G, but not enough to qualify among the eight best third-place teams.
WATCH: 🇮🇷 IRAN — WHEEL OF NATIONS – FAFO: World Cup 2030 Weekly Wheel of Nations – pt. XXIII – October 21, 2026:
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Persian rug makers traditionally incorporate errors in their carpets as they believe that only Allah is perfect. The Iranian national team adheres to the same principle, which despite being Asia’s second-highest ranked team, are good but not that good (they are still below USA, 7 places to be exact, in Oct 2026 – That’s gotta sting). And if they’re ever to, God forbid, make a World Cup Final, they’ll be forced to incorporate a loss into the match, as only the One and Only can actually be the best, and therefore champion of the world.
Last three World Cup Finals
2026 — Group stage: Finished unbeaten with three draws but went home because three points weren’t enough to advance from third place.
2022 — Group stage: Lost 6–2 to England, dramatically beat Wales 2–0 with two stoppage-time goals, then lost 1–0 to the United States in their decisive match.
2018 — Group stage: Beat Morocco, lost narrowly to Spain and drew with Portugal, setting a national record of four World Cup points.
Last three World Cup campaigns
2026: Won AFC third-round Group A with 23 points (7–2–1), finishing ahead of Uzbekistan, UAE, Qatar, Kyrgyz Republic and North Korea; qualification was secured with a 2–2 draw against Uzbekistan in March 2025.
2022: Finished top of their final qualifying group with 25 points (8–1–1), ahead of South Korea, securing a third consecutive World Cup appearance.
2018: Went unbeaten through the final Asian qualifying round, finishing 6–4–0 with 22 points, conceding just twice in ten matches.
In November 1997, Iran did this to me:
Result – Me:
One to watch: Israel
If you’re a fan of Team Melli, you really don’t want the national team to be drawn to play against Israel, as actually playing the match would be akin to defacing a Qur’an by drawing multiple pictures of Mohammed cross-eyed, buck-toothed and being penetrated by multiple cocks, and then taking the Holy Text and taking a huge BM on it. Thankfully, due to the match being at the top of FIFA’s prohibited fixture list, one of the fews the two teams could actually meet would be FIFA World Cup group stage in a FIFA World Cup final. This would leave Iran, and its players, staff and the football federation in quite the pickle. Play and instantly disgrace the name of Islam, leading to certain punishment for blasphemy by hanging/beheading (of their children and entire families too), or take a raincheck and just choose to sit the World Cup final out? Wow, what a dilemma! It’s sports’ ultimate ‘what if’!
The highpoint: Qualifying on away goals, 1998 World Cup/Defeating USA, 1998 World Cup/Mehdi Taremi’s strike (as it hit his boot, not after)
Despite never having advanced past the group stage in its 7 World Cups to date, Iran’s fans have still had their share of World Cup euphoria. First they came from 2 goals down against Australia in Melbourne to qualify on away goals (As a 15-year-old, I swore that night, after the match, that “I’m never gonna buy anything from Iran”, and I’m not sure, but maybe I haven’t), then they beat their arch-nemesis USA at the finals, and at the 2018 World Cup, with the score at 1-1, Iran just needed one more goal to reach the round of 16. And as the ball fell the Mehdi Taremi in the dying stages of their final group match against Portugal, they were gonna go through! HERE IT IS!!!!!!!….
But no…. wide. Whoopsie doosle. Iran = eliminated.
A sporting experience you’ve gotta go to that’s uniquely local and awesome (and doable): Pahlevani at a zurkhaneh in Yazd
This might be one of the most distinctive sporting experiences we’ve found for the Wheel.
Go to a zurkhaneh, literally a house of strength, and watch pahlevani, Iran’s traditional athletic and martial discipline.
Imagine a combination of gymnastics, wrestling conditioning, heavy-club swinging, ritual movements, drumming and epic poetry.
Athletes perform in a sunken octagonal arena while a morshed leads the rhythm on a drum and recites verses, including passages associated with Persian heroic traditions.
The important part is the philosophy: strength is supposed to come with humility, integrity, generosity and respect. UNESCO recognises the entire practice as intangible cultural heritage.
Where: Saheb A Zaman Zurkhaneh, near Amir Chakhmaq Square in Yazd. It’s an established visitor-accessible venue, though current sessions should be confirmed before attending
One unique natural experience to see/visit/experience: The Kaluts of the Lut Desert
These are enormous wind-carved formations — technically yardangs — rising out of one of the harshest desert landscapes on Earth.
Over thousands of years, sand-laden winds have sculpted ridges, towers and corridors through the sediment. Some formations reach around 155 metres high, and the ridges can stretch for tens of kilometres.
The landscape can look like the ruins of an enormous abandoned city.
UNESCO considers the Lut Desert one of the world’s outstanding examples of wind erosion and desert geology.
It’s also an environment where extreme temperatures are genuinely dangerous. This is a guided, cooler-season experience, not somewhere to wander independently.
Strong alternative: The Hyrcanian forests beside the Caspian Sea, which challenge the assumption that Iran is all desert.
But for sheer natural spectacle, the Kaluts win.
One town/city/neighbourhood the locals love: Rasht
Rasht, in northern Iran’s Gilan province.
I’m choosing this over the much more obvious Shiraz and Isfahan.
Rasht is a green, relatively rainy city near the Caspian Sea, famous for its markets, food, sociability and distinctly northern Iranian culture.
It’s been a UNESCO Creative City of Gastronomy since 2015. The surrounding region produces rice, tea, vegetables, herbs and fish, contributing to a cuisine quite different from the food many outsiders associate with Iran.
And there’s unusually good evidence that locals value its public spaces.
A 2026 academic study found that walking around Rasht Municipality Square was residents’ most frequently selected favourite cultural activity, followed by street food and live music.
So the Wheel experience is straightforward: wander the square, explore the bazaar, eat something Gilaki and talk to people.
Food you’ve gotta have: Ghormeh sabzi
Not kebab. Not saffron rice on its own.
This is one of Iran’s great home-cooked dishes: a slow-simmered, dark-green stew of parsley, coriander, fenugreek, kidney beans, dried limes and usually lamb or beef.
The distinctive flavour comes from the herbs being fried down and the intense, slightly bitter sourness of the dried limes.
It’s eaten with rice, ideally with a piece of crispy golden tahdig from the bottom of the pot.
And it passes our most important test: it’s the kind of food Iranians abroad associate with home and family, not simply something designed to impress visitors.
Bon Appétit
+1
Ghormeh sabzi recipe — Bon Appétit
A drink you’ve gotta smash: Doogh
A cold, savoury yogurt drink mixed with water, often carbonated, seasoned with salt and frequently mint.
Think of something related to Turkish ayran, but often fizzier and more herbal.
It’s particularly popular alongside kebabs, rice dishes and rich meals.
And for someone expecting another sweet soft drink, the first mouthful can be quite a surprise.
Sunbasket
Tea is the strongest alternative and arguably the more important everyday social drink. But doogh is the more distinctive tasting experience.
The Wedding Banger – Iran’s unofficial anthem: Baba Karam
This is a particularly good discovery.
“Baba Karam” (بابا کرم) is a traditional Iranian party song associated with a wonderfully theatrical dance.
The dancer typically uses exaggerated shoulder movements, gestures and swagger, sometimes with a hat, scarf or jacket.
Historically associated with male performers, the dance is now performed more widely, and the music has become a staple of Persian celebrations, including weddings.
It’s the kind of number where somebody’s uncle suddenly decides he’s the star of the evening.
And there’s actual evidence for its wedding credentials: Persian wedding compilations have included Hossein Hamedanian’s recording, and Iranian cultural commentary describes it as a perennial request at joyful family gatherings.
The Iranian
+2
It’s a traditional piece with multiple recordings rather than one universally definitive pop single, so Hamedanian’s version is our reference recording.
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Mohammed Khordodian:
Learn the lingo & speak like a local!
Upcoming matches
FIFA WORLD CUP QATAR 2022 | GROUP STAGE
21 Nov 2022
ENGLAND ☕️ x 🇮🇷 IRAN
25 Nov 2022
WALES 🐉 x 🇮🇷 IRAN
29 Nov 2022
IRAN 🇮🇷 x 🇺🇸 USA
