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Uh-Oh: Is Being Alive Killing You? – New Study Links Life, Living, Being Alive to Increased Risk of Death

In a new study conducted by University of Wisconsin-Madison, researchers have discovered evidence that a major cause of death is the act of being alive. 

The study, funded in part by the State of Wisconsin Health Department and the US Federal Department of Health and Human Services (HHS), and carried out in partnership with the American Medical Association, concluded that ‘Living’ featured with ‘being alive’, ‘life’, ‘mortality’, ‘existing’ and ‘existence’ as major risk factors of cessation of life.

Among the list of other high-risk factors for fatality were: heart disease; road traffic accidents; getting crushed or chopped up by, or falling out of, a helicopter; milk; trying to see if the sun actually wears sunglasses and subsequently staring at it too long; pillow fights at sleepover parties where the inserts are removed and instead the pillowcases are filled with AAA batteries, and trying to ride a great white shark like a surfboard while shouting ‘Surf’s up, dude’.

The researchers were stunned by their discovery when, following isolation of any or all of the above factors except for existence-related ones, the risk factors listed do not and cannot –on their own– cause death in an entity without the presence of its existence. The researchers concluded that things like cardiac failure, milk or helicopter-related accidents need the vital ingredient of one thing to cause death in humans – life.

Although, research in this area is only in its infancy after 200,000 years of human existence, it is still not known whether a more significant mortality risk factor will be found. However, researchers have already started to try prove whether drinking water, apples or breathing oxygen may in fact be greater causes of death.

Is suicide or asking your friends to murder you the only way to mitigate the risks?

Though the exact reasons for why living causes death are unknown, Head researcher Prof. Edward Collins of University of Wisconsin-Madison, suggested that the safest way to lower your risk of life-related death is to remove living completely from your everyday routine.

‘We still don’t completely understand why life-related death is so prevalent among our society, and there may not be a way to protect yourself entirely from it,’ he said, ‘So, for the moment at least, removing living from your life may give you the greatest chance at avoiding life-related fatality.’