***I DON’T HAVE FIFA’S PRIOR WRITTEN CONSENT TO USE, TALK, THINK OR EVEN YELL AT RANDOS FROM MY BALCONY ABOUT ANY NAMES, COUNTRIES OR EVENTS MENTIONED IN MY FIFA WORLD CUP QATAR 2022 COVERAGE, SO FOR COPYRIGHT REASONS FROM HERE ON IN, THE EVENT WILL BE REFERRED TO AS QLAMQTAR 2022.***

The Qlamqtar 2022 World Cup is only about 5 moons away (depending on your own set of lunar circumstances) and the first ever World Cup held in the Arab world promises to be a real doozy. World Cup history is a tale resplendent with stories of triumph against the odds, childhood dreams coming true and unsung heroes becoming legends. As well as dumb idiot losers, wanker fuck ups and teams that are just total bullshit.

But how shall ye learn about these legends, losers and teams that are just total bullshit? Well look no further my wayward friend as I profile all 211 FIFA nations eligible for World Cup qualification. Today, I take a look at Kyrgyzstan, which is yet to qualify for a World Cup.

KYRGYZSTAN
Gradually stealing more and more kisses and getting horsewhipped less and less

Nickname: The White Falcons
FIFA Ranking: 95 (June 2022)
FIFA World Cup 2022 Qualification result: Failed to advance from second round (AFC) group stage, finishing below Japan and Tajikistan

In the international bride-chasing, husband-whipping horse race that is international football, Kyrgyzstan’s pursuit of its rivals initially started out painfully, where it suffered 7 lashings of the kamchi (horsewhip) at the hands of Iran (with zero kisses stolen) in its first ever World Cup qualifier in 1997. However, the White Falcons would never receive such a severe battering again and ever since, the team has more often than not stolen more kisses than lashes suffered, and have now become one of Central Asia’s strongest kiss stealers.

As is customary for the husband in Kyz kuumai (meaning “catch the girl”), Kyrgyzstan (along with its newly independent, former-Soviet neighbours) has had to come from a whopping 20 metres behind and make ground on the rest of the continent (and world) in its attempt to catch up and steal a kiss and avoid getting horsewhipped by its more established continental counterparts. But this handicap has proved little hindrance for the Kyrgyz as they’ve since stolen kisses from far more experienced Asian sides, suffered only slight horsewhippings to continental heavyweights such as Australia and South Korea, and even reached their first Asian Cup in 2019, where they advanced to the round of 16 after stealing a kiss and defeating Philippines in the group stage, before only just failing to steal a kiss from hosts UAE in the round of 16, getting whipped 3-2.

Stealing enough kisses and shirking enough whippings to reach the round of 16 in their first major international tournament was an astonishing achievement for these relative newcomers to the international kiss-stealing/whip avoiding stage, and after three wins in qualifying for the 2022 World Cup, and a second appearance in the Asian Cup coming up in 2023, the rest of Asia better keep a much closer eye over its shoulder (and whip much harder) if it wants to prevent getting kissed by the up-and-coming Kyrgyz.

One to watch: Any game of ordo

One of the nation’s oldest games, ordo requires each player to throw the ankle bones of cows and sheep at other ankle bones of cows and sheep to try get their own cow or sheep ankle bones closest to the main cow/sheep ankle bones (pretty much like lawn bowls or bocce). Then, the opposing player is permitted to lower themselves, standing on one leg with one leg tucked behind the other, and then with a flick of the wrist smash their opponent’s cow/sheep ankle bone as far away as possible because it pisses them off (also pretty much like bocce or lawn bowls). The sport is test of strategy, patience and how much of a dick you are.

So next time you’re strolling through the Eurasian Steppe, be sure to drop in and check out a match, and maybe even smash some cow or sheep ankle bones as far away as you want with your own cow or sheep ankle bone because, you know, why the fuck not, and also because your opponent’s cow or sheep ankle bone, well, it can go get fucked.

The Highpoint: Round of 16, AFC Asian Cup 2019

Just because the historically nomadic people of Kyrgyzstan excel at kyz kummai (above), jumby atmai (where a large bar of precious metal, the “jumby”, is tied to a pole by a thread and contestants attempt to break the thread by shooting at it, while at a gallop), oodarysh (where two contestants wrestle on horseback, each attempting to be the first to throw the other from his horse) and tyin emmei (where competitors pick up a coin from the ground at full gallop), that doesn’t mean they’ve left their soccer skills out in the Karakum desert to rot, just waiting to be first picked at by falcons before then being eviscerated and devoured in their entirety by vultures. In their inaugural appearance at a major international tournament, at the 2019 AFC Asian Cup in the UAE, the White Falcons opened the curtain on their campaign with a slim loss to China, then fell to another narrow loss to giants South Korea, before going on to defeat Philippines 3-0 in their final group game with a hat-trick from Kyrgyz hearthrob Vitalij Lux. Sadly though, they would be knocked out by the hosts in the round of 16, but it wasn’t in vein, as along the journey they made their 6 million countrymen proud, captured the imagination of Asian football fans and Lux himself gained 6,000 Instagram followers.

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Upcoming matches

AFC ASIAN CUP 2023
TBD