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Not Surprising: Study Confirms Everything Bad Only Happens To You

Get ready to hear something you already know, because scientists have proved that all bad things that ever happen only happen to you.

According to a new study published in American Journal of Science, it was found that you, your age, and from where you’re from, are the only person in the world that has bad things happen to them. After an extensive investigation into all things that are bad and who they happen to, researchers found that out of earth’s 7,500,000,000 people, you are the only one who those things happen to, leaving 7,499,999,999 of earth’s people who not only have nothing bad happen to them, but also whose lives are full of nothing but great thing after great thing.

The study, a 7-year collaboration between researchers across six different universities throughout USA and Europe, were able to identify the main reasons given by you, for why everything bad only happens to you. Scientists confirmed that your most conclusive explanations are:

  • ‘Why me?’
  • ‘Seriously. Fuck My Life.’
  • ‘Ugh. Of course this would happen to me.
  • ‘Why would I expect anything else to happen?’
  • ‘When am I ever going to get a break?’
Everything bad in the future will happen only to you too

The study also included a prospective forecast on all future bad things that will happen. Following careful, state-of-the-art computer modelling, the research team could also confirm that all future bad things will also happen to you. The reasons for this continuing phenomenon are not completely evident but principal investigator in the study, Edgar McHammond, suggests that the primary reason may be that ‘Because duh, it’s you we’re talking about here. Why wouldn’t they?’.