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NEWS ALERT: IT’S OFFICIAL!! – Peace confirmed in Middle East after Pope Francis ‘calls’ for it. Moments later, Jews, Muslims, Christians, Sunnis, Shiites across region living in perfect harmony, singing, dancing, marrying each other.

On Christmas Day, Pope Francis made the customary annual address from the Vatican. In it, he said ‘the winds of war’ are blowing stronger than ever and he called for an end to the fighting and for a two-state solution in Israel to bring peace to the region (War, being an invention of this generation, of course never existed until only recently, so the pope called for a stop to it before the idea takes off.)

And that’s all that was needed – to ‘call’ for it

A 3000-year fight over Jerusalem and finally it’s over, thanks to someone ‘calling for it’. People over the world have expressed great gratitude not only for having someone so brilliant in our time who could think of such a genius plan, but all 6.9999999 billion people on Earth who aren’t the pope were also bummed, thinking, ‘Now, why didn’t I think of that? I’m such an idiot.’

What the Humans Say:
Frian, 41 years old, from Australia

Glandice, 27, Ukraine

King David, 3032, Jerusalem

Though the pope’s genius unilateral resolution to the Israel solution has brought eternal peace to the Middle East, at time of writing, unfortunately no one else has called for an end to world poverty or to all civil war across Africa, South America, Eastern Europe and Asia so those are still continuing.