The 2030 FIFA World Cup in Spain, Portugal & Morocco is only about 46 moons away (depending on your own set of lunar circumstances) and it promises to be a real doozy. World Cup history is a tale resplendent with stories of triumph against the odds, childhood dreams coming true and unsung heroes becoming legends. As well as dumb idiot losers, wanker fuck-ups and teams that are just total bullshit.

But how shall ye learn about these legends, losers and teams that are just total bullshit? Well look no further my wayward friend as I profile all 211 FIFA member associations eligible for World Cup qualification. Today, I take a look at Guinea, which is yet to qualify for a World Cup.

GUINEA
Former special-forces-commander-not-a-politician-turned-coup-leader-turned-more-or-less-internationally-recognised-president Mamady Doumbouya’s souvenir hunting team

Nickname: The National Elephants
FIFA Ranking: 82 (Sep 2026)
Qualified for World Cup Finals: Never
Best WC result: 1998: Guinea came agonisingly close to France 98, finishing second in their final-round group on 12 points, just one point behind Nigeria; they even beat Nigeria 1–0 in their final match, but only the group winner qualified.
FIFA World Cup 2026 result: Guinea finished their campaign with 15 points from 10 matches (4 wins, 3 draws, 3 defeats) and did not qualify – Guinea’s 15 points came from four wins, three draws and three losses:

WATCH – Full AI and Creative workflow: 🇬🇳 GUINEA — WHEEL OF NATIONS – FAFO: World Cup 2030 Weekly Wheel of Nations – pt. XII – September 27, 2026:

Guinea’s initial coup leader/putchist/perpetrator of an unconstitutional change of government/special forces commander who led Guinea’s 2021 coup and now more-or-less internationally recognised president Mamady Doumbouya is an avid collector of souvenirs, but he doesn’t just throw his hard-earned cash away on any old junk. Given that he wasn’t able to go to the 2021 African Cup of Nations in Cameroon himself, he asked the Guinean national team one thing: ‘Plzzzzzz get me one of those ‘I ♡ CAMEROON’ T-shirts and the African Cup of Nations trophy…. or if not, pay back the money we’re investing in you‘. The team did neither the former nor the latter, so the leader of the military junta who in 2021 overthrew and deposed his predecessor and former boss Alpha Condé wants his money back.

Former French legionnaire Colonel Doumbouya, who in 2021 toppled the former government and assumed control of the country by force just can’t get enough of picking up a pin, a medal, a ribbon or trophy from wherever he travels or is deployed to around the world. He’s always sure to pick himself up a momento on his journeys, but it’s not like he just spends money on cultural knick knacks and memorabilia willy nilly.

No one knows this better now than the National Elephants, after being told to return a part of the funds that the transitional government contributed to the team’s ultimately unsuccessful souvenir hunting expedition in Cameroon. Since Guinea crashed out of AFCON 2021 in the round of 16 after a loss to Gambia, it meant that they didn’t come back with the main thing interim president Doumbouya wanted more than anything in the world (The AFCON title, or at least a “‘I ♡ CAMEROON’ t-shirt). But since Doumbouya is a reasonable putschist and in his words “NOT A POLITICAN”, he didn’t demand they return the full amount to the state coffers, just the quantity that was provided to cover the quarter-finals, semi and final. I mean, they failed to get him the thing he reaaalllly wannted so baddddd from Cameroon (above), so it’s only fair they give him back at last some of the cash they bummed off him.

Regretably, Doumbouya didn’t get the souvenir he wanted so crazy bad from Cameroon, but he’ll get over it. What he would really love more than anytthinnnggg in the whole wide world though, is a FIFA World Cup trophy for himself. Problem is though, first Guinea have to qualify, and even though they’ve never done it before, on behalf of the great leader (NOT A POLITICIAN) himself, the National Elephants “Would do that for Doumbouya, wouldn’t they? Come on, Guinea national team, you do love your former special-forces-commander-turned-coup-leader-turned-more-or-less-internationally-recognised-president, Mamady Doumbouya, don’t you?”

Since then, Doumbouya and his team of non-politicians have continued to exert influence on the national team in other fun ways (not just gentle encouragement like unlawful friendly enforcement of the return miserly pay from national team players). Like pressuring 2 coaches to be terminated. After Guinea lost all three matches at the 2024 Olympics, a source close to the football federation said Doumbouya intervened and the federation replaced coach Kaba Diawara. After two defeats in AFCON qualifying, several sources told the paper that military leaders sent the federation clear messages to take drastic action; the next coach, Charles Paquille, was also dismissed. But in former special-forces-commander-not-a-politician-turned-coup-leader-turned-more-or-less-internationally-recognised-president Mamady Doumbouya’s defence, the government views the national team’s success as politically valuable, especially with young Guineans.

One to watch: Whoever holds Former special-forces-commander-not-a-politician-turned-coup-leader-turned-more-or-less-internationally-recognised-president Mamady Doumbouya’sDoumbouya’s umbrella now

Keep a close eye on whoever’s the guy charged with keeping the rain off interim president Mamady Doumbouya. Formerly the right hand man of deposed president Alpha Condé (or left if needed to make sure he doesn’t get wet), Doumbouya spent years deployed at foreign locations on security and training missions, developing his military and security skills around the world. In a throwback, here he is pictured above with his former mentor and the man he overthrew in 2021 with his junta of military strongmen in a coup, capturing 83-year old Condé and putting him under house arrest. Whoever’s the guy who’s holding Doumbouya’s umbrella now, you’re gonna wanna watch him, and especially if you’re Doumbouya himself.

Fortunately, Former special-forces-commander-not-a-politician-turned-coup-leader-turned-more-or-less-internationally-recognised-president Mamady Doumbouya’s learned his lesson and now just turns down offers to hold an umbrella for him, as this photo at official opening of the Bambéto bridge in November 2025 shows:

UPDATE (Sep 2026): Diplomatically, Doumbouya is treated as Guinea’s president. Guinea retains its UN seat; the UN dealt with him as head of state even during the transition, and the African Union lifted its post-coup suspension after the December 2025 election. That is recognition of the government, though it does not settle whether the election was fair. UN Web TV An objective assessment is mixed but fairly stark: economic growth has been strong, driven largely by mining, while the World Bank says it has done little to reduce poverty, estimated at 52%; politically, major opponents were excluded from the presidential race, 40 parties were subsequently dissolved, and rights groups continue to document disappearances and repression. So he has presided over growth and secured international acceptance, but has yet to show that either translates into broadly shared prosperity or open political competition.

On a vexillogical note: When designing their flag, they put “create image African Flag” into ChatGPT and ChatGPT said “Sure. Here you go. One African flag. Would you like an Asian flag now?”

Prompt – Chatgpt: “Uh, just as a, like a fun experiment, if I said create an image, typical African flag. Okay. What would that look like? Stereotypically, if you took all the elements and made it the simplest African flag, what would it look like?”

Prompt 2 – ChatGPT: “What the fuck? What the fuck is that orientation? That flag is fucking flying the wrong way. It needs to be done, like, what the fuck is that format? It’s like, I don’t know, regular flag dimensions. This is not the Vatican or Switzerland. Do it the regular flag orientation. That’s landscape, or I don’t know what that regular orientation is called. 16 by 9? 3 to 2?”

Prompt 3 – ChatGPT: “That’s Exactly Ghana’s flag. No. Just combine the elements of typical African flag, then simplify them and then come up with a new flag that does not exist yet.”

Last three World Cup campaigns

2026 — Did not qualify: Guinea again missed the finals after collecting 15 points from ten CAF qualifying matches. FB Ref

2022 — Did not qualify: Guinea went winless in their six second-round matches, drawing four and losing two, and finished behind Morocco and Guinea-Bissau.

2018 — Did not qualify: Guinea reached the final group stage but finished bottom of a brutal group containing Tunisia, DR Congo and Libya.

The Highpoint: AFCON 2025, to be hosted by Guinea (which, in the end, probably won’t be)

Frankly, being awarded the hosting rights for any African Cup of Nations is more of a curse than an endorsement. Over the last 35 years, almost every nation who have been awarded the tournament have either been stripped of the privilege (e.g. Zimbabwe in 2000, Libya in 2017), had it suspended (Cameroon in 2019, suspended until 2021) or ultimately refused to host it (e.g. Morocco in 2015). That being said, Guinea may ultimately put on a memorable festive feast of football for the first time as hosts of AFCON in 2025, but truth is it’s probably going to take place elsewhere in Africa. But don’t worry, come summer 2025 there should be plenty of cafes or restaurants around Conakry, Kankan, Labé or Nzérékoré where you can catch the games on TV! (written February 3, 2022)

UPDATE (September 2026):

A sporting experience you’ve gotta go to that’s uniquely local and awesome (and doable): a huge football night at Stade du 28 Septembre

This has suddenly become a much better pick because international football has returned to Conakry. After years of Guinea having to stage home internationals elsewhere because its grounds weren’t approved, the renovated Stade du 28 Septembre received temporary approval in 2026; Hafia and Horoya have already returned there, and Guinea’s October 1 match against Kenya is scheduled to mark the national team’s competitive return home. FEGUIFOOT

So the FAFO experience is: see Syli National, Horoya or Hafia at the 28 Septembre, rather than inventing some inaccessible traditional sport.

One unique natural experience to see/visit/experience: hiking the Fouta Djallon

Fouta Djallon is the absolute standout: highlands, canyons, rivers, villages and enormous waterfalls, with Dalaba making a practical base. Local operators run hikes to places such as Kambadaga Falls, including swimming, camping and village visits

One town/city/neighbourhood the locals love: Dalaba

his is one of my favourite Wheel picks because it’s nothing like the mental picture many outsiders have of Guinea: a small highland town at roughly 1,200 metres, with a cool climate, pine forests, Fulani culture, old architecture and access to some of Fouta Djallon’s best landscapes.

Food you’ve gotta have:mafé / sauce arachide

Mafé — rice covered in a thick, rich groundnut/peanut sauce, usually with meat and vegetables. It’s shared across several West African cuisines rather than uniquely Guinean, but it passes our much more important “what actual comfort food do you want when you’ve been away from home?” test; Guinea’s version is commonly called maffi tiga or sauce d’arachide/kansiyé

A drink you’ve gotta smash: jus de gingembre

The seriously punchy homemade ginger drink sold throughout Guinea and served at gatherings and celebrations. I’m taking it over palm wine because Guinea is majority Muslim and ginger juice cuts much more broadly across the country.

The Wedding Banger – Guinea’s unofficial anthem:

This one is almost too perfect. “Yéké Yéké” is a Mandinka love song by Guinea’s Mory Kanté that became a gigantic dance record — the first African single to sell more than one million copies and a European No. 1. Music In Africa

3 Legends

3 Legends

⚽ Sport — Naby Keïta: Conakry-born midfielder who captained Guinea and reached the absolute top of European club football with Liverpool, winning the Premier League, Champions League, FA Cup and League Cup.

🎵 Music — Mory Kanté: The kora-playing griot who took Guinean music genuinely global with “Yéké Yéké” and helped establish a bridge between traditional Manding music and electronic African pop. Wikipedia

📚 Culture — Camara Laye: Author of The African Child/L’Enfant noir, one of Guinea’s most internationally recognised writers and an important literary chronicler of childhood and traditional life in colonial Guinea.

FAFO Favourites

⚽ Sport — Pascal Feindouno: Former Guinea captain and one of the great Syli National players of his generation, with a long European career and multiple AFCON appearances; ideal for the simple question at the heart of the profile: why has a country that keeps producing serious footballers never reached a World Cup?

🎵 Music — DjelyKaba Bintou: One of the strongest contemporary Guinean voices for this project: a modern Manding singer who comes directly out of the griot tradition but has a substantial young audience, meaning she gives you tradition, weddings, modern Guinean music and everyday culture in one conversation. She even has a track literally called “Le mariage.” Audiomack

🏞️ Culture — Daymou / Fouta Tourisme: Here’s the non-celebrity FAFO pick. Daymou is a Dalaba-based environmental engineer and guide with more than 20 years’ experience showing people around Fouta Djallon, working directly with villages, artisans and local tourism projects. Five minutes asking him “I’ve picked Dalaba and Fouta Djallon — what have I got right, and what does nobody outside Guinea understand about this place?” could be considerably better than chasing a famous actor.

🫠 FAFO Favourites

3 Legends

⚽ Sport — Naby Keïta: Conakry-born midfielder who captained Guinea and reached the absolute top of European club football with Liverpool, winning the Premier League, Champions League, FA Cup and League Cup.

🎵 Music — Mory Kanté: The kora-playing griot who took Guinean music genuinely global with “Yéké Yéké” and helped establish a bridge between traditional Manding music and electronic African pop.

📚 Culture — Camara Laye: Author of The African Child/L’Enfant noir, one of Guinea’s most internationally recognised writers and an important literary chronicler of childhood and traditional life in colonial Guinea.

FAFO Favourites

⚽ Sport — Pascal Feindouno: Former Guinea captain and one of the great Syli National players of his generation, with a long European career and multiple AFCON appearances; ideal for the simple question at the heart of the profile: why has a country that keeps producing serious footballers never reached a World Cup?

🎵 Music — DjelyKaba Bintou: One of the strongest contemporary Guinean voices for this project: a modern Manding singer who comes directly out of the griot tradition but has a substantial young audience, meaning she gives you tradition, weddings, modern Guinean music and everyday culture in one conversation. She even has a track literally called “Le mariage.” Audiomack

🏞️ Culture — Daymou / Fouta Tourisme: Here’s the non-celebrity FAFO pick. Daymou is a Dalaba-based environmental engineer and guide with more than 20 years’ experience showing people around Fouta Djallon, working directly with villages, artisans and local tourism projects. Five minutes asking him “I’ve picked Dalaba and Fouta Djallon — what have I got right, and what does nobody outside Guinea understand about this place?” could be considerably better than chasing a famous actor.

Learn the lingo & speak like a local!

Upcoming matches

V Kenya – Oct 1 (1st match at Stade de 28 September)