The 2030 FIFA World Cup in Spain, Portugal & Morocco is only about 46 moons away (depending on your own set of lunar circumstances) and it promises to be a real doozy. World Cup history is a tale resplendent with stories of triumph against the odds, childhood dreams coming true and unsung heroes becoming legends. As well as dumb idiot losers, wanker fuck-ups and teams that are just total bullshit.
But how shall ye learn about these legends, losers and teams that are just total bullshit? Well look no further my wayward friend as I together with the almighty Wheel (There is only One Wheel, The Roundest One, and FAFO is its Prophet) profile all 211 FIFA member associations eligible for World Cup qualification. Today, I take a look at at Kyrgyz Republic, which is yet to qualify for a World Cup.
🇰🇬 KYRGYZ REPUBLIC
Fuck Football Uzbekistan, and Fuck the medal count at the World Nomad Games Kazakhstan, we are champions at Kok-buru. So yeah, suck it Uzbekistan and Kazakhstan
Nickname: The White Falcons
FIFA Ranking: 106 (Sep 2026)
Qualified for World Cup Finals: Never
Best WC result: Reached Asia’s third round for the first time in 2026, finishing fifth in its group and missing the World Cup (beat Oman, Chinese Taipei twice, North Korea and Qatar 3-1. They lost to Malaysia, Iran twice, Uzbekistan twice, Qatar and the UAE; they also drew with Malaysia, Oman, North Korea and the UAE)
FIFA World Cup 2026 result: reached Asia’s third round for the first time in 2026, finishing fifth in its group and missing the World Cup
WATCH: 🇰🇬 KYRGYZ REPUBLIC — WHEEL OF NATIONS – FAFO: World Cup 2030 Weekly Wheel of Nations – pt. XV– September 28, 2026:
This is a message to Kazakhstan: Hey Kazakhstan, sure you might have topped the medal count at the 2026 World Nomad Games in Bishkek and Cholpon-Ata, but big fucken deal, you got trounced 12-0 in the only event that truly matters to us in central Asia – Kok-buru in the World Nomad Games (initiated by the Kyrgyz Republic, and the first Games took place in 2014 in Cholpon-Ata, bringing together about 500 athletes from 19 countries.) Oh and yeah, Kyrgyz Republic founded the World Nomad Games in 2014: a place for nomadic cultures to meet, compete and keep their traditions alive. So fuck off Kazakhstan.
Oh and this is a message to Uzbekistan: Sure, you may be the topped ranked Central Asian country, even being the first central Asian country to qualify for a World Cup (in 2026), but we’re champions at the ultimate badass real sports, Kok-Buru. Real men (like Rambo) play Kokpuru. Pussies play football.
In the international bride-chasing, husband-whipping horse race that is international football, Kyrgyz Republic’s pursuit of its rivals initially started out painfully, where it suffered 7 lashings of the kamchi (horsewhip) at the hands of Iran (with zero kisses stolen) in its first ever World Cup qualifier in 1997. However, the White Falcons would never receive such a severe battering again and ever since, the team has more often than not stolen more kisses than lashes suffered, and have now become one of Central Asia’s strongest kiss stealers.
As is customary for the husband in Kyz kuumai (meaning “catch the girl”), Kyrgyzstan (along with its newly independent, former-Soviet neighbours) has had to come from a whopping 20 metres behind and make ground on the rest of the continent (and world) in its attempt to catch up and steal a kiss and avoid getting horsewhipped by its more established continental counterparts.
But this handicap has proved little hindrance for the Kyrgyz as they’ve since stolen kisses from far more experienced Asian sides, suffered only slight horsewhippings to continental heavyweights such as Australia and South Korea, and even reached their first Asian Cup in 2019, their second in 2023 and qualified for Qatar 2027. In 2019, they advanced to the round of 16 after stealing a kiss and defeating Philippines in the group stage, before only just failing to steal a kiss from hosts UAE in the round of 16, getting a slight lashing 3-2.
Stealing enough kisses and shirking enough whippings to reach the round of 16 in their first major international tournament was an astonishing achievement for these relative newcomers to the international kiss-stealing/whip avoiding stage, and after three wins in qualifying for the 2022 World Cup, and a third appearance in the Asian Cup coming up in 2027, the rest of Asia better keep a much closer eye over its shoulder (and whip much harder) if it wants to prevent getting kissed by the up-and-coming Kyrgyz.
Yeah, but who gives a fuck about all this football bullshit anyway, cos the Kyrgyzs the greatest in Kok-Buru. 12-0 MOTHERFUCKERSSSSS Ха-ха-ха! Аябай күлкүлүү экен!” (“That’s hilarious!”) – [ah-yah-BYE kühl-kü-LÜÜ eh-KEN]); or “Күлкүлүү экен!”
One to watch: Any game of ordo
One of the nation’s oldest games, ordo requires each player to throw the ankle bones of cows and sheep at other ankle bones of cows and sheep to try get their own cow or sheep ankle bones closest to the main cow/sheep ankle bones (pretty much like lawn bowls or bocce). Then, the opposing player is permitted to lower themselves, standing on one leg with one leg tucked behind the other, and then with a flick of the wrist, smash their opponent’s cow/sheep ankle bone as far away as possible because it pisses them off (also pretty much exactly like bocce or lawn bowls). The sport is test of strategy, patience and how much of a dick you are.
So next time you’re strolling through the Eurasian Steppe, be sure to drop in and check out a match, and maybe even smash some cow or sheep ankle bones as far away as you want with your own cow or sheep ankle bone because, your opponent’s cow or sheep ankle bone can go get fucked.
The Highpoint: Round of 16, AFC Asian Cup 2019
Just because the historically nomadic people of Kyrgyz Republic excel at kyz kummai (above), jumby atmai (where a large bar of precious metal, the “jumby”, is tied to a pole by a thread and contestants attempt to break the thread by shooting at it, while at a gallop), oodarysh (where two contestants wrestle on horseback, each attempting to be the first to throw the other from his horse) and tyin emmei (where competitors pick up a coin from the ground at full gallop), that doesn’t mean they’ve left their soccer skills out in the Karakum desert to rot, just waiting to be first picked at by falcons before then being eviscerated and devoured in their entirety by vultures.
In their inaugural appearance at a major international tournament, at the 2019 AFC Asian Cup in the UAE, the White Falcons opened the curtain on their campaign with a slim loss to China, then fell to another narrow loss to giants South Korea, before going on to defeat Philippines 3-0 in their final group game with a hat-trick from Kyrgyz hearthrob Vitalij Lux. Sadly though, they would be knocked out by the hosts in the round of 16, but it wasn’t in vein, as along the journey they made their 6 million countrymen proud, and this sweetheart captured the imagination of Asian football fans. He can toss my cow knucklebones any day.
A sporting experience you’ve gotta go to that’s uniquely local and awesome (and doable): Kok-boru
Oh, absolutely this.
Kok-boru is traditional Kyrgyz horseback competition in which riders fight for possession of a goat carcass and attempt to carry it on horseback and throw it into the opposition’s tai kazan goal. Think rugby + polo + wrestling + horses, except that description still doesn’t adequately explain what the fuck you’re watching.
It’s deeply connected to Kyrgyz nomadic culture, and the World Nomad Games rules describe it as an ancient and popular Kyrgyz equestrian sport; when Kyrgyzstan played Kazakhstan at the 2016 World Nomad Games, the 10,000-seat hippodrome was packed.
One unique natural experience to see/visit/experience: Song-Köl
Spend a night in a yurt beside Song-Köl, a high-altitude alpine lake surrounded by jailoo — summer pasture — and mountains, with horses and livestock roaming around the lake.
This isn’t just look at pretty lake, leave. Staying with a local family lets you experience the pastoral culture attached to the landscape — riding, dairy-making, kymyz and life on the summer pasture.
One town/city/neighbourhood the locals love: Karakol
It’s a small city at the eastern end of Issyk-Kul with an unusually rich mixture of Kyrgyz, Russian and Dungan culture, a famous wooden Orthodox cathedral, Dungan mosque, mountain access and arguably the country’s most interesting regional food scene.
And importantly for our test: it’s somewhere you can actually hang around and experience Kyrgyz life, rather than simply ticking off another capital.
Food you’ve gotta have: beshbarmak
Traditionally boiled meat served over noodles, with the name commonly translated as “five fingers”, referring to eating it by hand.
It’s strongly associated with hospitality, family gatherings and celebrations and is widely presented as the national dish of the Kyrgyz Republic.
A drink you’ve gotta smash: kymyz
Kymyz is fermented mare’s milk — sour, lightly fizzy and mildly alcoholic — traditionally produced during the warmer months when mares are lactating. It’s intimately connected with nomadic and summer-pasture culture and remains an important hospitality drink. Visit Kyrgyzstan
You stay in a yurt at Song-Köl, someone hands you a bowl of fermented horse milk, you drink the fucking horse milk. And you then fucking LOVE LIFE.
The Wedding Banger – Kyrgyz Republic’s unofficial anthem: “Muras” — Mirbek Atabekov
Mirbek Atabekov is one of the biggest names in modern Kyrgyz pop, and “Muras” (Heritage) is my FAFO pick for the broadly recognisable, arms-around-each-other Kyrgyz song.
But this is one category where I’d put an asterisk on the script: I can’t verify strongly enough that there is one universal Kyrgyz “every wedding plays this” song, so I’d phrase it as our unofficial-national-anthem pick rather than claiming every bride’s nan is requesting it.
3 Legends
🤼 Sport — Aisuluu Tynybekova: One of the greatest athletes the Kyrgyz Republic has produced: three-time world champion, Tokyo Olympic silver medallist and Paris Olympic bronze medallist, as well as the country’s first wrestling world champion.
🎵 Music — Salamat Sadikova: One of the country’s most important traditional singers, renowned for performing Kyrgyz folk and traditional music and preserving the vocal culture of the country internationally.
📚 Culture — Chingiz Aitmatov: The giant of Kyrgyz literature — novelist and diplomat whose works including Jamila and The Day Lasts More Than a Hundred Years made him one of the most internationally read writers to emerge from Soviet Central Asia.
🫠 FAFO Favourites
⚽ Sport — Valery Kichin: Bishkek-born defender and longtime Kyrgyz international who has spent much of his professional career outside the country and was part of the generation that took the Kyrgyz Republic from football obscurity to Asian Cups and eventually its first third-round World Cup qualifying campaign. He’s a very clean “what the hell happened to Kyrgyz football over the last decade?” guest. Wikipedia
🎵 Music — Mirbek Atabekov: One of the country’s best-known contemporary pop singers and therefore exactly who I’d want to interrogate about our wedding-banger category: forget asking him about his career — give him five minutes and ask “What is the one song every Kyrgyz person knows, whether they’re 18 or 80?”
🎬 Culture — Aktan Arym Kubat: Kyrgyz filmmaker, screenwriter and actor whose films have reached Cannes, Berlin and Locarno while remaining heavily concerned with Kyrgyz rural life, identity and social change. That’s potentially a superb FAFO conversation: “Give me five minutes of the Kyrgyz Republic that tourists don’t see.”
Learn the lingo & speak like a local!
Upcoming matches
AFC ASIAN CUP 2023
TBD
