BOSTON, MASSACHUSETTS– After wife Giselle Bündchen revealed to him by yelling, ‘Tom, we only have one roll of toilet paper left’ across the hall, New England Patriots Quarterback Tom Brady immediately descended into a full-blown seizure as a result of a panic attack, consequently having to be rushed to hospital. Brady, who is known for his final quarter heroics, suffered the apocalyptic brain meltdown earlier today and was immediately rushed to Beth Israel Deaconess Medical Center after Bündchen–perhaps anticipating the all-too-predictable event–had paramedics on the line before anyone in the Brady household could yell ‘THREE NINETEEN… THREE NINETEEN, HUT.’
At press time, it is unclear if Brady will recover from yet another toilet paper-related disaster show, but sources report that although he has been doubted more than ever recently, he –perhaps more than ever–still has it in him to come good in the clutch when the rectum-wiping papyrus in his domicile is down to the last roll.