NEW ORLEANS, LA–Citing remarkable findings just released today, research scientists at LSU have confirmed that you are the first person ever to be going through the thing you’re going through right now. Monitoring the trials, challenges and difficulties of every person who ever lived, and every person alive today, the research team found that nobody–in the 195,000 year history of homo sapien– has had to put up with, go through or face whatever you are right now, or whatever you’re about to. This news sucks for you, because not only is it not even slightly possible for anyone to understand what you’re worried about and why–due to no one ever having experienced anything even a touch alike to your predicament–there also isn’t anyone, or anywhere, to turn to for help.
