***I DON’T HAVE FIFA’S PRIOR WRITTEN CONSENT TO USE, TALK, THINK OR EVEN YELL AT RANDOS FROM MY BALCONY ABOUT ANY NAMES, COUNTRIES OR EVENTS MENTIONED IN MY FIFA WORLD CUP QATAR 2022 COVERAGE, SO FOR COPYRIGHT REASONS FROM HERE ON IN, THE EVENT WILL BE REFERRED TO AS QLAMQTAR 2022.***

The Qlamqtar 2022 World Cup is only about 3 moons away (depending on your own set of lunar circumstances) and the first ever World Cup held in the Arab world promises to be a real doozy. World Cup history is a tale resplendent with stories of triumph against the odds, childhood dreams coming true and unsung heroes becoming legends. As well as dumb idiot losers, wanker fuck ups and teams that are just total bullshit.

But how shall ye learn about these legends, losers and teams that are just total bullshit? Well look no further my wayward friend as I profile all 211 FIFA nations eligible for World Cup qualification. Today, I take a look at The Bahamas, which is yet to qualify for a World Cup.

BAHAMAS
謝謝中國。 謝謝你為我做的一切。 即使我們因為您延遲的體育場建設而被迫退出世界杯資格賽，也謝謝您

Nickname: The Baha Boyz
FIFA Ranking: 204 (June 2022)
FIFA World Cup 2022 Qualification result: Failed to advance from first round (CONCACAF), finishing bottom of group behind St Kitts & Nevis, Trinidad and Tobago, Puerto Rico and Guyana

On behalf of The Bahamas, first and foremost, The Bahamas I’d like to thank our excellency, China. For everything. Firstly for hosting an unparalleled Olympiad in 2008, for becoming the 22nd member of the Inter-American Development Bank and the almost immediate generous financial support via soft loans, for its efforts in curbing, and to the extent possible, eliminating maritime piracy in the Gulf of Aden, for financing a modern highway project connecting our major international airport and downtown Nassau, as well as your granting us loans to construct a mega-port at Freeport and an additional port off the island of Abaco, for your contribution to our tourism sector even though your people get most of the jobs (not mad, China), upgrading our digital infrastructure by providing unrivalled 4G connectivity, as well as your construction of the sparkling Thomas A. Robinson National Stadium, the new home of our beloved Bahamas national soccer team.

And sure China, in 2011 and during qualifying for the 2014 World Cup, your tardy construction of the arena and the subsequent prohibitive costs of moving matches to an alternate venue forced The Bahamas to withdraw from its most successful qualifying campaign to date, but The Bahamas aren’t complaining, China. Seriously, don’t think it is, kay? The Bahamas is grateful for everything you do, China, even when it’s way behind schedule and the result of which mean The Baha Boyz have to give up their best shot ever at going to a World Cup.

The Bahamas has never made it past the first round of World Cup qualifying (well except for that one time in World Cup 2014 qualifying, which, once again China, The Bahamas are totally cool with, okay?), and aside from a quarter-final appearance in the 1986 edition of something called the Central American and Caribbean Games, The Baha Boyz have nothing to show for their efforts in international soccer. But that’s not a slight against you, China. The Bahamas appreciates you so much, and seriously, the construction delay that left us with no choice other than to withdraw from the only time we’ve made it past the first round in World Cup qualifying is all good. Totally. Sorry. What are we sorry for? Nothing. But thank you, China.

One to watch: The Bahamas’ great new coloniser partner China

They’ve already delivered The Bahamas a stadium, rebuilt the country’s transport, shipping and digital infrastructure and slyly gained footing close to American shores. So what’s next for the People’s Republic of China in The Bahamas? Opening a ninth KFC (China’s favourite fast food outlet)? Establish a military base? Completely eradicate any remnants of American influence and declare Mandarin the new official language? Green light a Bahamas version of China’s top dating show If You Are The One?

Truly, the sky’s the limit for China, so you go China, you go.

The Highpoint: Advancing past the first round in World Cup 2014 qualifying, before–and The Bahamas isn’t mad China, not at all–then having to withdraw from the next round (just to reiterate: not mad, China)

Things were looking good for The Bahamas in qualifying for the 2014 World Cup after it defeated Turks and Caicos Islands 10-0 on aggregate and advanced to the second round for the first time in history. But then:

Or in other words, the Baha Boyz then had to pull out entirely from qualifying even before the start of the second round after delays in the Chinese-constructed national stadium precluded them from hosting any foreseeable international matches and the exorbitant costs of alternatively playing home matches at a neutral venue abroad were not viable for the football federation. But, actually China, The Bahamas just realised, with all the money you’re loaning and the infrastructure upgrades you’re funding, maybe you could’ve chucked the national team a few extra pennies so that it actually would have been?

But you know what China, forget The Bahamas said anything. Sorry! To make it up to you, here’s an Asian man singing the Bahamas national anthem. The Bahamas loves you, China!!!

Learn the lingo & speak like a local!

Upcoming matches

CONCACAF NATIONS LEAGUE & CONCACAF GOLD CUP 2023 QUALIFYING
24 March 2022
BAHAMAS 🇧🇸 x 🇹🇹 TRINIDAD AND TOBAGO

27 March 2022
SAINT VINCENT AND THE GRENADINES 🇻🇨 x 🇧🇸 BAHAMAS