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It’s Paul’s Birthday! Please Don’t Use These Sliders To Ruin It For Him.

Guess what?! That’s right, it’s that time of year again! Paul’s Birthday! Crazy. Only 38 years ago, he exploded out of a vaginal cavity and onto the planet we call home!

You may already be aware that birth is the act that results in you living your life outside the body of someone else and no longer inside it, but if you would like to know more about it just click here, or simply use the slider below to reenact Paul’s birth (go ahead, this slider’s okay, you can use this one).

Wow… Paul’s birthday… what a great day it is! And Paul is having a great time already, so please don’t use the following sliders to ruin his day!

1. Please just leave this grizzly bear be, just doing its thing, charging down a river for no reason other than there’s nothing else to fucking do. It’s boring as shit living in the wild, where there’s no strip clubs, gambling venues, or random humans to horrifically claw to death. So just let this bear keep trying to kill boredom in whatever way it wants, and please don’t touch the slider and give the bear someone to maul, because it’ll ruin Paul’s birthday!

2. Check out Paul! He’s having a really lovely, acceptable time! Dancing, looking, and even throwing caution to the wind by drinking one beer, all the while yelling ‘Yaaaaaaas it’s my birthday, queen!’ every so often. So whatever you do, please don’t use this slider to ruin his big day by summoning the Y2K bug!

3. Do you know anyone, who on their birthday, wishes they could hang out with more ISIS terrorists than they usually do? Shit no. So only a complete fucking asshole would ruin Paul’s birthday by using this slider.

 4. Leave this slider where it is. Paul is having such a lovely day that only a cold, heartless pig beast would ruin it by forcing him to politely socialise on his birthday with Officer Lewis from the original 1987 Robocop movie. It’s not that Paul hates her, but he’s also not like her biggest fan either, so I beg you, please just let Paul enjoy his special day without forcing him to make superficial chitchat with Robocop’s unremarkable but serviceable sidekick. 

 5. Don’t even fucking think about it, cunt. Don’t fucking touch this slider. I’m warning you. Don’t be a cunt. Let Paul just enjoy his birthday for fuck’s sake. 

6. Here’s Paul! Here he is! He’s the birthday boy. And, HOT DOG is he enjoying himself on his birthday! Here’s Paul continuing to celebrate by using his eyeballs to look at his surroundings, while simultaneously using his brain to think and his hand to hold an object! He’s loving it! And he’s perfectly fine continuing to do so without an apocalyptic tsunami descending upon him, which would definitely ruin his day. So whatever you do, you see the slider below? Leave it. Don’t touch. 

7. As the song goes: ‘Cellllll-e-brate good times, OKAY!’ Paul is having a great day, and one of the reasons for that is because he doesn’t have to deal with a horrifically incompetent and irresponsible nuclear power plant worker breaking his balls and needing his help figuring out where to store a barrel of radioactive waste for at least the next 50 years. Do you think Paul can be fucked dealing with problems such as a storage location for radioactive byproducts on his birthday? No. Just no. Okay? That’s why you cannot, I repeat, CANNOT, touch this slider. Just let Paul enjoy his birthday in peace. Just don’t touch it, okay? Don’t.

8. This situation seems safe and okay, meaning Paul is being the happy birthday boy of fun and not in any immediate danger. But you were already asked not to touch the previous bear-related slider. So please, one more time, this time, DO NOT touch the slider. It’s Paul’s birthday for fuck’s sake. Is it seriously too much to ask you to just leave him alone, and let him enjoy it without getting gored and disemboweled by a Goddam monstrous grizzly bear?

Happy birthday, Paul! I love ya, mayne!