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It’s Matt’s Birthday! Use the Sliders to Try Make His Childhood Dream Come True!

Any good friend of Matt (aka ‘The Sklurpler’) knows that ever since he was a little Albanian girl growing up in a cute, squalid, decimated village in wartorn Kosovo, he’s only ever had one dream…

The good ol’ days: Matt and his bestest displaced refugee buddies playing their favourite sport, Huddling in masses, being sad and angry and dirty and yelling at each other

Back in those days, when his best friends were dreaming of things like a meal, not stepping on a landmine just for one day, being recognized as an independent state or having electricity or potable water that hadn’t been laced with uranium acquired by Serbia via its alliance with Russia, he was dreaming of something way less boring and way fucking cooler than all of those put together, something cool as SHIT… And to this day, he’s still got the same dream, one that would make him the happiest displaced Kosovan girl in all the lands:


And guess what?! Holy shit. The Annual Monthly Monster Truck Demolition Derby is on at the local arena tonight! Now, I doubt it will come true, but use the sliders to see if maybe, just maybe, his dream finally does come true!

Is Matt really going to get to go to the Monster Truck Demolition Derby and fulfill his childhood dream? No way. Surely not. First up, use this slider below to see just how excited he is about even the possibility of going!

He can’t believe it. All he’s ever talked about, without stopping, is going to a Monster Truck Demolition Derby. And now he’s finally here, at the much-anticipated 18,392nd Annual Monthly Monster Truck Demolition Derby! 

But uh oh, hold up…. things have suddenly taken a turn! Matt’s now in church!

And church is cool and all, but right now, ‘doing church’ is well below ‘Looking at the monster trucks with my eyeballs’ on the list of things Matt wants to be doing. He’s gotta get himself out of there!

Shit yeah! He’s done it! Matt’s back at the Demolition Derby! BOOM CRASH BANG BING BONG CLANK!!!  Fucking sick, the trucks are all like KAPOW! KABOOM!! and the driver’s are all like “Doo boo doo boo doo” and the hot dog vendors are all like “Heyyyyoooo” and Matt’s all like “FUCKING C’MON!!!” Monster Truck Demolition Derby!!! Fuck yeah!!!

Oh no though, Matt is now on the International Space Station! Whoopsies! This wasn’t supposed to happen! And although he’s having quite an okay time, right now, this is not where he wants to be!!!

But hang on a second…. oh no… from his favourite place on earth, Monster Truck Rally Place, all of a sudden, he’s back with his old unwashed, displaced friends in his village in Kosovo, which, sure, is less shitty than it used to be during the war, and yeah these girls seem nice, but Matt’ll tell you they’re actually straight-up backstabbing bitches (and Blerta, on the far right, stole Matt’s husband when he was 9, the skank).

And now, sadly, another day has come to an end, and it’s time for bed…

But WOW. What. A. Day at the 18,392nd Annual Monthly Monster Truck Demolition Derby for Matt. So much banging, so much crashing, so much clanking, so much glonking, so much enormous shit slamming into other enormous shit! FUCKING SHIT YEAH!

But unfortunately all good things must come to an end, and now it’s time for Matt to go to bed. After all the excitement though, he probably won’t be able to sleep a wink!!

Happy birthday bro! I love ya, man.