The 2030 FIFA World Cup in Spain, Portugal & Morocco is only about 46 moons away (depending on your own set of lunar circumstances) and it promises to be a real doozy. World Cup history is a tale resplendent with stories of triumph against the odds, childhood dreams coming true and unsung heroes becoming legends. As well as dumb idiot losers, wanker fuck-ups and teams that are just total bullshit.
But how shall ye learn about these legends, losers and teams that are just total bullshit? Well look no further my wayward friend as I together with the almighty Wheel (There is only One Wheel, The Roundest One, and FAFO is its Prophet) profile all 211 FIFA member associations eligible for World Cup qualification. Today, I take a look at at four-time winners Germany.
GERMANY
Celebrating 10 years of not sniffing its own balls and asscrack
Nickname: Die Mannschaft
FIFA Ranking: 13 (September 2026)
Best World Cup result: Four-time Champions (1954, 1974, 1990 and 2014)
FIFA World Cup 2026 result: Germany won Group E after beating Curaçao 7–1 and Côte d’Ivoire 2–1, then losing 2–1 to Ecuador; Paraguay knocked them out 4–3 on penalties after a 1–1 draw in the Round of 32
WATCH: 🇩🇪 GERMANY — WHEEL OF NATIONS – FAFO: World Cup 2030 Weekly Wheel of Nations – pt. XV– September 28, 2026:
Taking over the reins from former national team coach Joachim Low (above), German fans hope new coach Hansi Flick’s approach will suit the team far more than his predecessor, whose tactical hand signals from the touchline did nothing but confuse the players, resulting in the side’s early exit from the 2018 World Cup.
Last three World Cup campaigns
2026: Finals – Round of 32: Won their group but were dumped out by Paraguay on penalties, meaning Germany still haven’t reached a World Cup last 16 since winning the whole thing in 2014.
2022: Finals – Group stage: Beat Costa Rica and drew with Spain but the shock opening defeat to Japan helped send Germany home on goal difference.
2018: The defending champions lost to Mexico, dramatically beat Sweden and then suffered the catastrophic 2–0 defeat to South Korea, finishing bottom of their group.
Last three qualifying campaigns
2026 — Qualified as group winners: Germany recovered from a remarkable 2–0 opening defeat in Slovakia by winning their remaining five games, culminating in a 6–0 demolition of Slovakia to finish 5–0–1 with 16 goals scored and three conceded. UEFA.com
2022 — Qualified as group winners: Germany went 9–0–1, scoring 36 and conceding four, and became the first nation other than hosts Qatar to qualify.
2018 — Qualified perfectly: Germany went 10–0–0, scored 43 goals and conceded four — about as brutally efficient a qualifying campaign as you can have.
One to watch: Hansi Flick
The hands of new coach Hansi Flick. Just watch the hands. Just watch the hands. Keep em where we can see em.
The hands of coach Rudi Völler (interim coach for the 2–1 win over France in September 2023new. But just watch the hands. Just watch the hands. Keep em where we can see em.
The hands of )new coach Julian Nagelsmann (September 2023 to July 2026. But just watch the hands. Just watch the hands. Keep em where we can see em.
The hands of new coach Jürgen Klopp. But just watch the hands. Just watch the hands. Keep em where we can see em.
ALSO, the country that engineered Funnybot, the greatest comedian of all time, AND THE FUNNIEST JOKE IN HISTORY:
The Highpoint: World Cup Winners (1954, 1974, 1990 and 2014)
Blah, blah blah, so Germany have won the World Cup four times. Yeah, big whoop. Only one of them truly counts since 3 of them were as West Germany, meaning that only once did they include players from the East. And we all know that’s the good part of Germany, where all the talent comes from!
A sporting experience you’ve gotta go to that’s uniquely local and awesome (and doable): THW Kiel handball
I’m deliberately not picking Bundesliga football. You know what German football looks like.
Go to a THW Kiel handball match at the Ostseehalle, ideally against Flensburg. Kiel averaged more than 10,000 spectators for every Bundesliga home game in 2025/26, something no other European handball club achieved. THW Handball
It’s fast, violent, loud, indoors and extremely German/Northern European. This is exactly the sort of thing Wheel of Nations should send you to.
PLAN B: Nürburgring 24 Hours
🫠 FAFO Favourite: Borussia Dortmund home game at Signal Iduna Park
One unique natural experience to see/visit/experience: Saxon Switzerland
Hike through Sächsische Schweiz, southeast of Dresden on the Czech border: bizarre sandstone towers, deep forest, the Bastei rock formations and trails overlooking the Elbe.
Germany has the Alps and Black Forest, obviously, but this is my pick because it’s spectacular while being less internationally clichéd.
One town/city/neighbourhood the locals love: Hamburg
Hamburg. Germany’s second city feels dramatically different from Berlin or Munich: harbour, canals, neighbourhood pubs, St Pauli, music, football, Fischbrötchen and a very strong Hamburg-before-Germany local identity.
Food you’ve gotta have: Döner
Yep. Döner.
Not schnitzel. Not bratwurst. The modern German döner — meat, salad and sauces packed into bread — grew into its own German-Turkish institution, particularly in Berlin, and Goethe-Institut describes it as a staple for German young people. Even better, 2026 YouGov data found meat döner had overtaken currywurst in popularity. Goethe-Institut
For FAFO, that’s far more interesting because it says something about what Germany actually is now, rather than what the souvenir shop says Germany is.
A drink you’ve gotta smash: APPLE SCHORLE (APFELSCHORLE)
PLAN B: Helles (Too Bavarian)
Helles lager. Cold, straightforward, enormously drinkable and deeply embedded in German beer culture — particularly Bavaria.
You could disappear down a rabbit hole of Kölsch, Altbier, Weißbier, Rauchbier and regional beer tribalism, but if I’m forced to put one German beer on the Wheel, Helles gets it.
The Wedding Banger – Germany’s unofficial anthem: Atemlos durch die Nacht” — Helene Fischer.
The evidence for the precise FAFO category is simply stronger. An analysis of German Spotify wedding-party playlists had “Atemlos” as the No. 1 wedding-party track, and the Goethe-Institut describes it as arguably the German-language song with the greatest presence of the entire 2010s, with an unusually broad cross-scene consensus. Berliner Zeitung
Then there’s the absurdly perfect football connection: “Atemlos” became an unofficial anthem of Germany’s 2014 World Cup win, with Fischer performing it during the champions’ celebration at the Brandenburg Gate. www.universal-music.de
Weakness test: Schlager is polarising and plenty of Germans will groan the second it starts. But that’s almost a requirement for this category. The question isn’t Germany’s coolest song. It’s the wedding/party song where people who claim to hate it mysteriously know every bloody word.
Major Tom is arguably the cooler FAFO song and currently the stronger football-stadium song. But under the category we’ve actually defined — wedding banger / party unifier / unofficial anthem — Atemlos has the better case.
PLAN B: “Major Tom (völlig losgelöst)” — Peter Schilling
This category has become unexpectedly easy.
“Major Tom.” German wedding DJs specifically list it among the cross-generational German songs everybody can sing, and since its revival through football it has become an even stronger communal anthem. DJ Service Plattenkellner
That “VÖLLIG LOSGELÖÖÖÖST…” bit is exactly what we’re looking for.
3 Legends
⚽ Sport — Franz Beckenbauer: Der Kaiser: World Cup winner as both captain in 1974 and manager in 1990, Bayern Munich icon and one of the players who fundamentally changed how the libero position was understood.
Alternative: Michael Schumacher.
Schumacher gives us motorsport and avoids making everything Germany = football. But this is a World Cup 2030 project, and Beckenbauer captained West Germany to the 1974 World Cup and coached them to the 1990 title; only three people have won it as both player and coach
🎵 Music — Ludwig van Beethoven: We’re going nuclear here. Born in Bonn, one of the most consequential composers in the history of Western music and still instantly recognisable more than 250 years after his birth.
🎬 Culture — Marlene Dietrich: Berlin-born actress and singer who became one of Germany’s first genuinely global screen icons and later famously rejected Nazi attempts to lure her back to Germany, instead becoming a US citizen.
FAFO Favourites
⚽ Sport — Per Mertesacker: World Cup winner, former Germany and Arsenal defender, now deeply involved in football development through Arsenal’s academy. He’s particularly FAFO-compatible because he’s intelligent and funny without sounding media-trained to death — five minutes on “What does German football need to get right before 2030?” gives you somewhere to go immediately.
🎵 Music — Henning May: Lead singer of AnnenMayKantereit, with that absurdly distinctive gravelly voice. He’s a good doorway into a Germany that isn’t techno, Rammstein or Oktoberfest — contemporary German-language music, Cologne, younger German culture and what Germans themselves actually listen to.
Also, Absolute Beginner – Hammerhart
Or, Blümchen:
🎭 Culture — Daniel Brühl: Barcelona-born, Cologne-raised German-Spanish actor from Good Bye, Lenin!, Rush and Inglourious Basterds. For an Australian doing this from Barcelona ahead of a World Cup centred on Spain, there’s an unusually natural five-minute conversation sitting there: Germany, Spain, football, cultural identity and living between the two.
Also, the German guy on Spanish Apartment. FIND HIM!!
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