The 2030 FIFA World Cup in Spain, Portugal & Morocco is only about 46 moons away (depending on your own set of lunar circumstances) and it promises to be a real doozy. World Cup history is a tale resplendent with stories of triumph against the odds, childhood dreams coming true and unsung heroes becoming legends. As well as dumb idiot losers, wanker fuck ups and teams that are just total bullshit.

But how shall ye learn about these legends, losers and teams that are just total bullshit? Well look no further my wayward friend as I profile all 211 FIFA nations eligible for World Cup qualification. Today, I take a look at Japan, which has qualified* for nine (and nine straight) FIFA World Cups. 

JAPAN
Getting the hang of this soccer thing since 1998 MUST NOT TAKE LEAD IN KNOCKOUT STAGE MUST NOT TAKE LEAD IN KNOCKOUT STAGE MUST NOT TAKE LEAD IN KNOCKOUT STAGE – AHHHHH 怒り爆発、人生最大の怒り!!!!! (ANGER EXPLOSION)

Nickname: サムライ・ブルー (Blue Samurai)
FIFA Ranking: 17 (September 2026)
Qualified: 8 times (8 straight since 1998 – Qualified as co-hosts in 2002)
FIFA World Cup – Best Result: Round of 16 (four times – 2002, 2010, 2018, 2022)
FIFA World Cup 2026 result: Round of 32 (lost 2-1 to Brazil)

WATCH: JAPAN — WHEEL OF NATIONS – FAFO: World Cup 2030 Weekly Wheel of Nations – pt. III – September 3, 2026

It’s only in the last 25 years that Japan have experienced any form of success on the soccer pitch as for centuries a staunchly traditional culture focused all its efforts on the country’s most venerated sport, dodgeball. However, having qualified for every FIFA World Cup since its inaugural participation in 1998, the Blue Samurai are starting to get the hang of the game by only kicking the ball, instead of picking it up and trying to beanball the opposition or peg it at their heads in attempt to get them ‘out’.

Japan have now been eliminated in the knockout stage, after leading, at the last 3 GD World Cups. They lead Belgium 2-0 in the Round of 16 in 2018, Lead Croatia 1-0 in the Round of 16 in 2022 and lead Brazil 1-0 at the 2026 World Cup. It’d be great to know what “GOD FUCKING DAMN IT PISS SHIT TO HELL FK EVERYONE AND EVERYTHING I WILL KILL YOU ALL” In Japanese, but instead here is the Japanese anger ladder:

イライラ (ira-ira) — irritated / getting wound up.

ムカつく (mukatsuku) — pissed off; stronger and more colloquial.

頭に来る (atama ni kuru) — “it goes to my head”; properly angry.

キレる (kireru) — to snap / lose your temper.

マジギレ (majigire) — maji (“seriously”) + gire (“snap”):

seriously fucking angry. ブチギレ (buchigire) — absolutely lose it; beyond normal キレる.

激怒 (gekido) — fury / rage / enraged; more formal, almost headline-language

And for the team at the World Cup, this is filling up the anger gauge or 怒りゲージ (ikari gauge)!

Japan’s World Cup team, after three straight World Cups or pretty much killing it in the group stage, starting so strong at each tournament, being seriously considered as a real contender at least to make the semis, then leading in the knockout stage before fucking it up completely and being bundled out, finds itself around and 8 or 9 on the anger thermometer below:

The above Anger thermometer translate roughly as:

• 0 — 怒っていない 平穏な状態: Not angry — calm
• 1–3 —「まあいいか」と受け流せる 軽い怒り: Mild anger — you can shrug it off with “eh, whatever.”
• 4–6 — モヤモヤした 少し強い怒り: Bothered/frustrated — moderately strong anger. Moyamoya (モヤモヤ) has the sense of something irritating or unsettled simmering inside you.
• 7–9 — 憤りを感じる かなり強い怒り: Indignant/furious — quite strong anger
• 10 — 怒り爆発、人生最大の怒り: ANGER EXPLOSION — THE ANGRIEST YOU’VE EVER BEEN

With its World Cup results, Japan’s national team also finds itself at the right side of this scale:

One to watch: Captain Tsubasa

The proclaimed “Heaven-sent Child of Football” (“Soccer No Moshigo” in Japanese), Captain Tsubasa grew up with the dream of one day winning the world cup with Japan, and after being picked up by the world’s biggest clubs like Barcelona and taking the Blue Samurai to the Olympic Games, he seemed destined to do so. However, after some career missteps and poor management he was soon forced to lower his expectations and just hoped to participate in a World Cup with Japan. And now, he’s had to concede defeat entirely and drop the bar even further, at this point hoping to even just get watch a world cup game on TV, but that all depends on if his boss Handa-San down at the car dealership lets him have the day off.

The highpoint: 21 minutes away from the quarter finals, 2018 World Cup

Now a fixture of the World Cup, Japan only reached its first in 1998. It’s now been at every edition since, winning eight matches and reaching the knockout stage five times in its eight trips, being eliminated by the eventual third placed team on each occasion. It was knocked out by Turkey in 2002 in its backyard, by Uruguay in 2010, but it really blew it in 2018 when it was leading Belgium 2-0 and was just 21 minutes away from a quarter final matchup against Brazil. Disastrously they let in a Vertonghen goal from a thousand metres away, then another, and then a late fatal blow by Chadli knocked Japan out 3-2, but at least it gave them a brand new, even more fucked up story of how they blew reaching the World Cup quarter finals.

Their Last 3 World Cups

FIFA WORLD CUP USA MEXICO CANADA 2026

Group Stage: Drew 2–2 vs Netherlands — K. Nakamura, Kamada, Beat Tunisia 4–0 — Kamada, Ueda (2), Ito, Drew 1–1 vs Sweden — Maeda

Round of 32: Lost 1–2 vs Brazil — Sano

FIFA WORLD CUP QATAR 2022

Group Stage: Beat Germany 2–1 — Dōan, Asano, Lost 0–1 vs Costa Rica, Beat Spain 2–1 — Dōan, Tanaka

Round of 16: Drew 1–1 vs Croatia (a.e.t.), lost 1–3 on penalties — Maeda

FIFA WORLD CUP RUSSIA 2018

Group Stage: Beat Colombia 2–1 — Kagawa, Osako, Drew 2–2 vs Senegal — Inui, Honda, Group H: Lost 0–1 vs Poland

Round of 16: Lost 2–3 vs Belgium — Haraguchi, Inui

Food you’ve gotta try

Ramen… the quintessential everyday obsession, with huge regional variation and the kind of thing Japanese people will argue about with unnerving commitment.

A drink you’ve gotta smash

Sake (nihonshu) — Japan’s defining traditional alcoholic drink, deeply tied to celebration, ritual and regional identity.

The wedding banger

Amuro Chan with this popper:

or “Koi” — Gen Hoshino — the instantly recognisable chorus and famous Koi Dance make it a proper all-ages wedding-floor weapon rather than merely romantic background music.

DAVE: THIS SONG IS AN ABSOLUTE BANGER WITH A DANCE YOU NEED TO LEARN. ALL CAPS WERE ACCIDENTAL HERE BUT I’M LEAVING THEM COS THIS IS AN ABSOLUTE BANGER

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