The 2030 FIFA World Cup in Spain, Portugal & Morocco is only about 46 moons away (depending on your own set of lunar circumstances) and it promises to be a real doozy. World Cup history is a tale resplendent with stories of triumph against the odds, childhood dreams coming true and unsung heroes becoming legends. As well as dumb idiot losers, wanker fuck-ups and teams that are just total bullshit.

But how shall ye learn about these legends, losers and teams that are just total bullshit? Well look no further my wayward friend as I profile all 211 FIFA nations eligible for World Cup qualification. Today, I take a look at Ethiopia, one of the founding members of the African Football Confederation, but who are yet to qualify for a World Cup.

ETHIOPIA: 4.4 million years later, still no good at soccer / Wants to go the beach, but thanks a lot Eritrea, now what? Guess we’ll have to swim with the nightmare pelicans in Lake Tena

Nickname: Walia Ibex
FIFA Ranking: 143 (Sep 2026)
Qualified for World Cup Finals: Never (since FIFA membership in 1954 – also chose not to enter 4 times, entry wasn’t accepted by FIFA once and we also disqualified in 2010 due to FIFA suspension)
Best WC result: 2014 Qualifying – 5 wins from 10 matches – finished ahead of South Africa and Central African Republic but lost to Nigeria 4-1 in the final African playoff
FIFA World Cup 2026 result: Failed to qualify – reached the final round of Concacaf qualifying but finished 3rd in Group B with 7 points behind Curaçao and Jamaica; the decisive blow was a 1–1 home draw with Jamaica, which mathematically eliminated them.

WATCH: ETHIOPIA — WHEEL OF NATIONS – FAFO: World Cup 2030 Wheel of Nations – pt. VII – September 20, 2026:

In 1992 (the last year Ethiopia could take the family to the beach – GODDAMN YOU, ERITREA) fossilized skeletal remains of a human ancestor (Ardipithecus ramidus or ‘Ardi’) were discovered in north-eastern Ethiopia, and after almost 20 years of study, the analysis dated them back 4.4 million years. Now, you’d think that over 4 million years would be enough time to learn how to kick a god damn soccer ball properly, but despite its head start on the rest of humanity, and some relative success (e.g. winning the 1962 African Cup of Nations), the Ethiopian side still struggles against international opponents, having never even cracked the top 80 in the FIFA rankings. Perhaps the reason the Walia Ibex still suck is that Arid was actually a woman, and any improvement in her soccer skills had no effect on the nation’s men’s team, but the thing is, the Ethiopian women’s team aren’t any better (ranked 138 out of 176 teams – September 2026). So despite progress being slow, fans are hopeful that the side will successfully qualify for a world cup even once in the next 4 or so million years.

Also, Ehtiopia would nothin more than take its mind off its lac of football success and head to the beach for a dip, but thanks to Eritrea, it hasn’t been able to since 1993, when Eritrea gained independence – DAMN YOU ERITREA. Thanks a lot, IDIOTS.

Guess we’ll just have to go for a swim in the middle of Lake Tena surrounded by this fucking nightmare ravenous pack of fucked up pelicans.

Last three World Cup Finals

N/A

Last three World Cup qualification campaigns

2018: Beat São Tomé and Príncipe 3–1 on aggregate, then lost 6–4 on aggregate to Congo in the second round
2022: Reached the group stage but finished 3rd of 4 behind Ghana and South Africa, with 1 win, 2 draws and 3 losses.
2026: Reached the final Concacaf round but finished 3rd in Group B, behind Curaçao and Jamaica, and missed both automatic qualification and the playoff.

One to watch: The second (third?) coming of Jah

Rastafarianism take its roots in Ethiopia, and in particular from the ascendency to the throne of Haile Selassie in the the 1890s. Their prophecy told: “Look to Africa where a black king shall be crowned, he shall be the Redeemer” and Rastas claimed Emperor Selassie as their spiritual leader, with many believing he was the reincarnation of the lord Himself (Jah). This however is disputed by others and there are those that believe the Jah incernate is still yet to return, so should that be the case, just hang out for a while. Cool? It could be any minute now so just chill. Just a heads up though, time is measured differently in Ethiopia–where there are thirteen months a year and it is currently the year 2019–, so who knows, He may even return as early as 2020! JAH!

The Highpoint: Winning the 1962 African Cup of Nations

Ethiopia won the 1962 AFCON on home soil, beating Tunisia 4–2 in the semi-final and Egypt 4–2 after extra time in the final — still their only African title (only four teams reached the 1962 finals).

A sporting experience you’ve gotta go to that’s uniquely local and awesome (and doable): Great Ethiopian Run 10K, Addis Ababa

This is the one. Don’t merely watch it — run it. Tens of thousands take over Addis for a high-altitude 10K that functions partly as race, partly as street party: elite runners, ordinary Ethiopians, music, dancing and national running culture all mashed together. The 2026 race is 22 November and explicitly welcomes walkers and first-timers, so it passes the actually-doable test beautifully.

One unique natural experience to see/visit/experience: descend into Wenchi Crater Lake

This is more FAFO than simply saying “Simien Mountains”: hike or ride a horse into an extinct volcanic caldera, take a little boat across the crater lake to an island monastery, then continue toward hot springs and waterfalls. Ethiopia’s tourism authority specifically describes it as a doable day-trip experience, and recent Ethiopian community recommendations keep pointing people toward Wenchi.

One town/city that the locals love: Hawassa

Lakeside, warmer and considerably more relaxed than Addis: fish market at dawn, boats, birds, hippos, coffee and an actual promenade. When Ethiopians are asked for favourite cities, Hawassa keeps coming up, which is exactly what we want from this category rather than merely picking whatever city appears first in Lonely Planet.

Food you’ve gotta have: Doro wat with injera

The big one: chicken slowly cooked with huge amounts of onion, berbere, spiced butter and boiled eggs, then attacked communally with injera rather than cutlery. It’s celebration food as much as everyday Ethiopian identity; if you’re choosing one plate, this is it.

A drink you’ve gotta smash: Tej

Ethiopian honey wine, traditionally fermented with gesho, giving it this sweet, slightly bitter, deceptively dangerous thing going on. Find a proper tej bet rather than ordering some sanitised hotel version and smash the little flask responsibly.

The Wedding Banger: Teddy Afro, “Ethiopia”

This is my pick for your particular test: patriotic, immediately Ethiopian and diaspora-friendly, with the sort of chorus that turns a gathering into communal singing; there is literally footage on Teddy Afro’s channel of a bride and groom singing it at their wedding.

🇪🇹 3 Legends

SPORTS: Haile Gebrselassie — two-time Olympic 10,000m champion, four-time world champion and one of distance running’s defining figures

MUSIC: Mulatu Astatke — the father of Ethio-jazz, fusing Ethiopian musical modes with jazz, Latin and funk

CULTURE: Haile Gerima — Gondar-born filmmaker behind Sankofa, Teza and, rather perfectly for this episode, Adwa: An African Victory

🇪🇹 3 FAFO Favourites 🫠

SPORTS: Loza Abera — Ethiopian women’s football star and absurdly prolific striker, a particularly good football voice for the 211 mission

MUSIC: Rophnan — Addis-born producer/DJ who folds Ethiopian sounds into electronic music and has worked with Major Lazer

CULTURE: Bethlehem Tilahun Alemu — founder of soleRebels, who turned Ethiopian recycled-tyre footwear and artisan traditions into a global brand, giving you culture and business rather than another generic celebrity interview.

Learn the lingo & speak like a local!

Upcoming matches