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Tom Brady Once Again Rushed To Hospital After Suffering Panic Attack And Seizure Due To Whole House Being Down To Final Toilet RollTom Brady Once Again Rushed To Hospital After Suffering Panic Attack And Seizure Due To Whole House Being Down To Final Toilet Roll

January 22, 2019| Dave|

BOSTON, MASSACHUSETTS– After wife Giselle Bündchen revealed to him by yelling, ‘Tom, we only have one roll of toilet paper left’ across the hall, New England Patriots Quarterback Tom Brady

Super Intelligent Local Dog Only Enjoys Looking Back On Memories And Looking Forward And Planning Future, Couldn’t Give A Fuck About The Present MomentSuper Intelligent Local Dog Only Enjoys Looking Back On Memories And Looking Forward And Planning Future, Couldn’t Give A Fuck About The Present Moment

January 21, 2019 | Dave

My Say: Donald Trump. (Does That Count As Political Commentary or Satire?)My Say: Donald Trump. (Does That Count As Political Commentary or Satire?)

January 20, 2019| Dave|

MY SAY By Brian McGarnickle We don’t often get into politics here at Why You Do It, but these are things we perfectly understand: • That the

Musicologists Still Perplexed Why Queen’s Nonsensical ‘Bohemian Rhapsody’ –Containing Such Obscure, Moronic, Completely Not Relatable Lyrics As ‘I Don’t Want To Die, I Sometimes Wish I’d Never Been Born At All’ And ‘Nothing Really Matters… Nothing Really Matters To Me’– Still Popular TodayMusicologists Still Perplexed Why Queen’s Nonsensical ‘Bohemian Rhapsody’ –Containing Such Obscure, Moronic, Completely Not Relatable Lyrics As ‘I Don’t Want To Die, I Sometimes Wish I’d Never Been Born At All’ And ‘Nothing Really Matters… Nothing Really Matters To Me’– Still Popular Today

January 20, 2019 | Dave

My Say: Yeah, I’m A Divorced Man And Yeah, I Know All Divorced Men Deserve To Immediately Be Tossed Into The Divorce Volcano Because They Are So Gross And Disgusting And Yuck, But Hang On, Whow There. Before You Kill Me By Hurling Me Into The Divorce Volcano, Hear Me Out, Because Although I Am Now Officially A Wretched Disgusting Garbage Human, I Still Have Some Other Stuff I Can Do And I’m Not Completely Useless to Society (By Dave Martin)My Say: Yeah, I’m A Divorced Man And Yeah, I Know All Divorced Men Deserve To Immediately Be Tossed Into The Divorce Volcano Because They Are So Gross And Disgusting And Yuck, But Hang On, Whow There. Before You Kill Me By Hurling Me Into The Divorce Volcano, Hear Me Out, Because Although I Am Now Officially A Wretched Disgusting Garbage Human, I Still Have Some Other Stuff I Can Do And I’m Not Completely Useless to Society (By Dave Martin)

January 19, 2019| Dave|

MY SAY By Dave Martin A month ago, my divorce was provisionally approved, making me a soon-to-be-divorced man and consequently meaning I deserved to be thrown into the

Peace declared between Israel and Palestine, ‘Fuck. What The Fuck Are We Supposed To Do Now?’ Declared Across Israeli NewsroomsPeace declared between Israel and Palestine, ‘Fuck. What The Fuck Are We Supposed To Do Now?’ Declared Across Israeli Newsrooms

January 18, 2019 | Dave

Study Confirms You First Person Ever To Be Going Through Whatever You Are Right NowStudy Confirms You First Person Ever To Be Going Through Whatever You Are Right Now

January 17, 2019| Dave|

NEW ORLEANS, LA–Citing remarkable findings just released today, research scientists at LSU have confirmed that you are the first person ever to be going through the thing you’re going through

Russian Government Announces Annual Parade Through Moscow To Honour The Great And Unmatched Length Of Leo Tolstoy’s BooksRussian Government Announces Annual Parade Through Moscow To Honour The Great And Unmatched Length Of Leo Tolstoy’s Books

January 15, 2019| Dave|

MOSCOW, RUSSIA– The federal government of Russia has officially called an annual parade through the streets of Moscow to celebrate the wondrous word length of Leo Tolstoy’s books. Tolstoy, arguably

Ironically, 23 Ironic Years On From Its Release, Alanis Morisette Ironically Reveals ‘Ironic’ Was Written Ironically Not Ironic On Purpose, Confirms It Just An Ironic Series Of Ironically Un-Ironic Mishaps And 0% Ironic Coincidences That Lacked In Irony And Were Not IronicIronically, 23 Ironic Years On From Its Release, Alanis Morisette Ironically Reveals ‘Ironic’ Was Written Ironically Not Ironic On Purpose, Confirms It Just An Ironic Series Of Ironically Un-Ironic Mishaps And 0% Ironic Coincidences That Lacked In Irony And Were Not Ironic

January 15, 2019| Dave|

Family mourns man who met partner exactly when he was perfectly ready, got and lost his job when perfectly ready, partner left him when perfectly ready and ultimately died exact moment he was readyFamily mourns man who met partner exactly when he was perfectly ready, got and lost his job when perfectly ready, partner left him when perfectly ready and ultimately died exact moment he was ready

January 14, 2019 | Dave

7-Year-Old In That Zone Where Disjointed Ramblings And Unpredictable Behaviour About To Crossover From Impossibly Adorable to Suddenly Super Fucking Mega Annoying (And Parents About To Go From ‘Ahh The Miracle Of Childbirth! How Happy We Are To Be A New Family!’ To ‘Oh Vengeful One Above, Why Hast Thou Smoten Us and With Looking After This Human Trashbag Of Sewerage?’7-Year-Old In That Zone Where Disjointed Ramblings And Unpredictable Behaviour About To Crossover From Impossibly Adorable to Suddenly Super Fucking Mega Annoying (And Parents About To Go From ‘Ahh The Miracle Of Childbirth! How Happy We Are To Be A New Family!’ To ‘Oh Vengeful One Above, Why Hast Thou Smoten Us and With Looking After This Human Trashbag Of Sewerage?’

January 13, 2019 | Dave

Confirmed: Study Finds You Only Weird Person In WorldConfirmed: Study Finds You Only Weird Person In World

January 9, 2019| Dave|

SAN DIEGO, CA–Concluding their study into your life from the day you were born, behavioural scientists from San Diego State University have confirmed your belief that not only are you

Love is in the Air: New Dating App Hurry The Fuck Up Launches, Designed Specifically For Singles Too Busy To Use A Dating AppLove is in the Air: New Dating App Hurry The Fuck Up Launches, Designed Specifically For Singles Too Busy To Use A Dating App

January 8, 2019| Dave|

Listen up all you go-getting singles, because this is going to be music to your ears! Created specifically for those young singles who are just too busy to not only

Do You Have What It Takes To Be In A Mediocre, Mundane and Unsatisfying Relationship That Drags On For Five Years Too Long Because You’re Terrified Of Being Alone? Take The Quiz And Find Out!Do You Have What It Takes To Be In A Mediocre, Mundane and Unsatisfying Relationship That Drags On For Five Years Too Long Because You’re Terrified Of Being Alone? Take The Quiz And Find Out!

January 6, 2019| Dave|

Let’s face it, staying in a mediocre, uninteresting and mundane relationship isn’t easy. It takes a terrifying fear of being alone, a paralysing dread of being single again, a generous sprinkling

Biologists Confirm Prior To Evolution Of First Domestic Cat, Dog’s Arch Nemesis Was Baby Leatherback Sea TurtleBiologists Confirm Prior To Evolution Of First Domestic Cat, Dog’s Arch Nemesis Was Baby Leatherback Sea Turtle

January 6, 2019 | Dave

Local Man Completes 625th Page Of His First Ever Tolstoy Book And He Can Conclude: ‘People Right. Tolstoy Long. But Tolstoy Good. Tolstoy Long, But Tolstoy Good. Tolstoy Long. And Tolstoy Good.’Local Man Completes 625th Page Of His First Ever Tolstoy Book And He Can Conclude: ‘People Right. Tolstoy Long. But Tolstoy Good. Tolstoy Long, But Tolstoy Good. Tolstoy Long. And Tolstoy Good.’

January 5, 2019 | Dave

22 Things You Should Never Say To A Pregnant Woman22 Things You Should Never Say To A Pregnant Woman

January 4, 2019| Dave|

When you’re pregnant, sometimes it feels as if everyone’s got an opinion on it. And although an expectant mother’s impending newborn is as much hers as it is the father’s or

Instead Of Turning Her Into A Pillar Of Salt, How Else Had God Considered Punishing Lot’s Wife For Looking Back At Sodom?Instead Of Turning Her Into A Pillar Of Salt, How Else Had God Considered Punishing Lot’s Wife For Looking Back At Sodom?

January 3, 2019 | Dave

Having fled Sodom less than 8.2 seconds before God smoked that wicked, rancid shithole to the ground, Lot, his two daughters and his wife legged it across the desert like

Whypothetical: Can You Distract A Meteorologist With Idle Small Talk About The Weather While He Waits To Testify In His Mother’s Manslaughter Trial?Whypothetical: Can You Distract A Meteorologist With Idle Small Talk About The Weather While He Waits To Testify In His Mother’s Manslaughter Trial?

January 2, 2019| Dave|

Everyone knows that waiting to testify in your mum’s manslaughter trial is a stressful time, so are you able to take a meteorologist’s mind off his mum’s heinous crime with

Whypothetical: Is It Worth Sticking A Rifle In Your Mouth And Blowing Your Face Off In A Failed Suicide Attempt So That When You Come To, You Can Drop The ‘You Should’ve Seen The Other Guy’ Gag And Get A Gigantic Laugh From Everyone In The Emergency Ward?Whypothetical: Is It Worth Sticking A Rifle In Your Mouth And Blowing Your Face Off In A Failed Suicide Attempt So That When You Come To, You Can Drop The ‘You Should’ve Seen The Other Guy’ Gag And Get A Gigantic Laugh From Everyone In The Emergency Ward?

January 1, 2019 | Dave