The 2030 FIFA World Cup in Spain, Portugal & Morocco is only about 45 moons away (depending on your own set of lunar circumstances) and it promises to be a real doozy. World Cup history is a tale resplendent with stories of triumph against the odds, childhood dreams coming true and unsung heroes becoming legends. As well as dumb idiot losers, wanker fuck-ups and teams that are just total bullshit.
But how shall ye learn about these legends, losers and teams that are just total bullshit? Well look no further my wayward friend as I, together with the Almighty Wheel (There is only One Wheel, The Roundest One, and FAFO is its Prophet), profile all 211 FIFA member associations eligible for World Cup qualification. Today, I take a look at New Zealand, which has qualified for the World Cup three times, in 1982, 2010 and 2026.
🇳🇿 NEW ZEALAND
Half-assing it since 2010 (It’s Business Time)
Nickname: All Whites
FIFA Ranking: 86 (Oct 2026)
Qualified for World Cup Finals: Three times (1982, 2010 and 2026 – yet to win a match)
Best WC result: 2010 group stage, undefeated: New Zealand didn’t reach the knockout stage, but they drew 1–1 with Slovakia, 1–1 with defending champions Italy and 0–0 with Paraguay, finishing third and becoming the only unbeaten team at the entire 2010 World Cup. They even finished above Italy.
FIFA World Cup 2026 result: New Zealand qualified automatically by beating New Caledonia 3–0 in the OFC final, becoming the first country to
EXPLOIT
Oceania’s new direct World Cup place. FIFA At the finals they drew 2–2 with Iran, lost 3–1 to Egypt and 5–1 to Belgium, finishing bottom of Group G with one point; Elijah Just scored three of their four goals.
WATCH:🇳🇿 NEW ZEALAND— WHEEL OF NATIONS – FAFO: World Cup 2030 Weekly Wheel of Nations – pt. XIX – October 2nd, 2026:
Once upon a time, in a mythical place known as New Zealand, the national team known as the All Whites used to have to use their whole ass when attempting to advance to the Finals. But that all changed in 2006, and from now on, just half-assing will do just fine.
During every World Cup qualification attempt up until the 2006 World Cup, the All Whites invariably had to face the might of Australia, having to use their whole ass, in the hope that if everything miraculously comes together on the day, they might not only match it with historically the best resourced and most successful member of the Oceania football confederation, but maybe even pull off a massive upset over the Aussies. Sadly for the All Whites though, following their qualification for the 1982 World Cup, they would miserably fail to finish above the Socceroos in six straight qualifying campaigns from 1986 until Australia’s final hurrah in the Confederation in OFC qualifying for the 2006 World Cup.
The Socceroos would not only qualify for the 2006 World Cup, but in the same year, it also officially became a member of the Asian Football Confederation. This event officially marked the last ever time that the New Zealand national soccer team would have to give a damn and actually make an effort to attempt to qualify for the World Cup. In Australia’s absence, New Zealand has breezed through to the inter-confederation final in the 2010 (beat Bahrain), 2014 (lost to Mexico), 2018 (lost to Peru) and 2022 World Cups (lost to Costa Rica) (winning one of the four), but lickily things have become a shitton cruisier since there’s now 178 teams that qualify for the World Cup now since 2026, with Oceania now granted an automatic World Cup qualification spot, since the 2026 World Cup (and possibly two places for the 2030 World Cup).
So keep an eye out for this pesky bunch of odd-talking nerds, because if you thought the idea of having this pack of duds at a World Cup after playing just two competitive fixtures against quality opposition every four years (or just one, as was the case with the 2022 World Cup campaign), and no doubt you must’ve been dumbfounded by this team being at the 2026 World Cup having played FUCKING ZERO matches against decent opposition (sorry, New Caledonia).
This was awesome though, beating Bahrain to qualify for the 2010 World Cup:
One to watch: The white-only racial policy
The New Zealand national football team first adopted a strict White Only policy during their successful qualification run in the 1982 World Cup. But keep an eye on this one, because its days may be numbered.
When the team took to the field for a World Cup qualifier against Taiwan back in 1981, they needed a nickname to represent their new policy, and lo and behold, the nickname All-Whites was born, with the team also donning a matching all-white uniform in celebration.
Recent backlash to the policy has lead to calls to drop the All-White requirements, however these moves have been ignored and at press time, New Zealand head into their do-or-die World Cup playoff clash with Costa Rica on June 14th still enforcing their All-white strategy. (and good that there’s no change, think Hilltop Hoods and Cosby Sweater if you’re close to caving in https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aB16fJpoj-I&list=RDaB16fJpoj-I&start_radio=1)
The Highpoint: Unbeaten (but still lame), 2010 World Cup
Incredibly, New Zealand were the only undefeated team at the 2010 World Cup in South Africa. Not incredibly however, they were knocked out of the tournament about 5 minutes after getting there. With arguably the greatest ever World Cup team (and eventual winners) Spain losing to Switzerland in the group stage, All Whites fans can lay claim to an achievement that no other team in South Africa could. And much like the Spanish side that revolutionised the way the game is played thourgh Tiki-Taka, creating a signature style of play that to this day remains the envy of all passing sides and then went on to win the World Cup final, New Zealand only just pulled off a draw with Slovakia, managed another draw against one of the worst Italian sides in World Cup history after being awarded a clear offside goal and then recorded world soccer’s ultimate result–a nil-nil stalemate against Paraguay. Lame
Last three World Cup finals
2026 — Group stage: Drew 2–2 with Iran after twice leading, then lost to Egypt 3-1 and Belgium 5-1 to finish fourth with one point. The Guardian
2010 — Group stage: Drew all three matches against Slovakia, Italy and Paraguay and somehow went home as the tournament’s only undefeated nation. NZ History
1982 — Group stage: Their World Cup debut was brutal but historic: 5–2 Scotland, 3–0 USSR, 4–0 Brazil, with Steve Sumner and Steve Wooddin scoring New Zealand’s first World Cup goals. NZ History
Last three qualifying campaigns
2026 — Qualified: Dominated Oceania and beat New Caledonia 3–0 at Eden Park on 24 March 2025, securing the OFC’s new automatic berth and qualifying more than a year before the tournament. FIFA
2022 — Missed by one game: Won all five OFC qualifiers, including 5–0 over Solomon Islands in the final, but Joel Campbell’s third-minute goal gave Costa Rica a 1–0 intercontinental play-off win. FIFA
2018 — Missed by one tie: Beat Solomon Islands 8–3 on aggregate for the Oceania title, held world No.10 Peru 0–0 in Wellington, then lost 2–0 in Lima. Inside FIFA
A sporting experience you’ve gotta go to that’s uniquely local and awesome (and doable): Golden Shears in Masterton
Not the All Blacks.
Competitive sheep shearing.
Go to Golden Shears in Masterton, where shearers compete against the clock while being judged on speed and quality, alongside woolhandling and woolpressing competitions. It’s a proper spectator event with heats, semifinals, finals, commentary and a crowd that understands exactly what it’s watching. The 2026 edition was particularly enormous because Masterton hosted the World Shearing and Woolhandling Championships, and New Zealand won five of the six world titles. The Golden Shears
This hits the Wheel test beautifully: agricultural life turned into elite sport, genuinely important locally, completely accessible to a visitor and unmistakably Kiwi.
The All Blacks are the most important sporting team. Golden Shears is the better sporting experience.
🫠 FAFO Favourite: An All-blacks game
One unique natural experience to see/visit/experience: Tongariro Alpine Crossing
This one can survive being famous.
Walk the Tongariro Alpine Crossing: volcanic craters, old lava flows, alpine desert, steaming terrain and the extraordinary Ngā Rotopounamu/Emerald Lakes, reaching 1,886m at Red Crater. Doc.govt.nz
More importantly, this isn’t just scenery. Tongariro’s mountains are sacred to Ngāti Tūwharetoa, and Tongariro became the world’s first property inscribed under UNESCO’s revised cultural-landscape criteria in 1993. Visitors are specifically asked not to enter or touch the sacred alpine lakes. Doc.govt.nz
It gives us the thing New Zealand does extraordinarily well: landscape + Māori relationship with the land, rather than simply look, big mountain.
One practical caveat: roughly May–October is alpine/winter territory, requiring appropriate skills and preparation; this isn’t a jandals walk year-round.
One town/city/neighbourhood the locals love: Raglan / Whāingaroa
This is my pick over Auckland, Wellington, Christchurch and Queenstown.
Raglan / Whāingaroa is a little west-coast town of only a few thousand permanent residents built around a harbour, black-sand beaches, arts, cafés and some of the world’s great left-hand surf breaks. The local population can increase 300–400% in summer, so we’re not pretending nobody has discovered it.
But crucially, underneath the visitors there’s a genuine local surf-and-creative community — enough that New Zealand’s AA literally runs a “Loved by the locals: Raglan” guide.
Surf Manu Bay, have a beer, wander the wharf, climb Karioi, complain about the blow-ins and become one yourself.
Food you’ve gotta have: mince and cheese pie
We’re going straight past lamb, pavlova and fancy New Zealand seafood.
Mince. And. Cheese. Pie.
Beef mince and gravy, melted cheese, pastry, eaten from a paper bag outside a bakery/dairy/petrol station while trying not to remove the roof of your mouth.
New Zealand’s national pie competitions remain serious business, and mince-and-cheese is one of the established classic categories; one major Kiwi producer describes it as the country’s No.1-selling pie variety. Goodtime
Yes, Australia also has meat pies. I’m Australian. We will survive this diplomatic incident.
But the mince-and-cheese pie is so embedded in everyday Kiwi food culture that it fits our “what would you actually miss when you leave?” test better than hāngī.
Hāngī absolutely belongs in the wider profile, though: it’s the much more culturally distinctive Māori food experience, traditionally cooking meat, vegetables and kūmara over heated stones in an earth oven and still used particularly for gatherings and celebrations.
A drink you’ve gotta smash: L&P
This might be one of our easiest drink selections.
Lemon & Paeroa — L&P.
It originated in Paeroa around 1908, when the town’s naturally carbonated mineral water was combined with lemon. More than a century later it’s still sold nationally and remains one of those products almost inseparable from Kiwi identity. Coca-Cola
And in an extremely New Zealand development, there was actual national discussion in 2026 because L&P changed its famous brown plastic bottle to clear plastic for recyclability. The giant seven-metre L&P bottle in Paeroa was temporarily made half-brown, half-clear to mark the occasion. Coca-Cola
Wine might be more internationally prestigious.
L&P is more Wheel.
The Wedding Banger – New Zealand’s unofficial anthem: “Why Does Love Do This to Me?” — The Exponents
This beats Slice of Heaven after looking specifically for the everyone-starts-yelling-the-chorus test.
“Why Does Love Do This to Me?” — The Exponents.
It reached No.3 in New Zealand in 1991, but its afterlife is much bigger than its chart position. AudioCulture calls it New Zealand’s most authentic terrace anthem, and it has become a staple at rugby matches. AudioCulture
The definitive evidence came after the 2011 Rugby World Cup semi-final at Eden Park: 60,000 New Zealanders spontaneously belted it out after the All Blacks beat Australia. The band’s own description basically calls it the song that tells New Zealand it’s time to party. The Exponents
That’s our category.
Not necessarily the greatest New Zealand song.
Not the most critically acclaimed.
But put enough drunk Kiwis together and:
“WHYYYYYYYY DOES LOVE DO THIS TO MEEEEEE?”
We’re done.
Pick: “Why Does Love Do This to Me?” — The Exponents.
🫠 FAFO Favourite:
3 Legends
Sport — Richie McCaw: 148 All Blacks caps, 110 as captain, two-time Rugby World Cup winner and captain of the 2011 and 2015 champions. There are other candidates — Jonah Lomu in particular — but if one person has to embody the absurd place rugby occupies in New Zealand sporting culture, McCaw works.
Also, Jonah Lomu.
Music — Sir Dave Dobbyn: This is the local-importance-over-global-fame selection. From Th’ Dudes and DD Smash through “Slice of Heaven,” “Loyal” and decades of solo work, his songs have effectively become pieces of New Zealand communal furniture; the NZ Music Hall of Fame describes him as a giant of New Zealand songwriting whose songs are routinely sung at rugby matches. Music Hall
Culture — Sir Peter Jackson: Wellington kid who went from making splatter movies like Bad Taste and Braindead to turning New Zealand into Middle-earth and building a globally important filmmaking and effects industry around Wellington. New Zealand
🫠 FAFO Favourites
Sport — Winston Reid: The bloke who scored New Zealand’s 93rd-minute equaliser against Slovakia in 2010, earning the All Whites their first-ever World Cup point, and later captained the national team. FIFA He gives you football rather than yet another rugby conversation, and there’s a beautiful simple FAFO Five sitting there: “What did the 2010 World Cup change for football in New Zealand?”
Music — Troy Kingi: This is a fantastic FAFO person. Māori musician, actor and storyteller who set himself the completely insane project of making ten albums in ten different genres in ten years — psychedelic soul, reggae, funk, folk, synth-pop, desert rock, hip-hop and more — culminating with the final project being recorded at Abbey Road in 2026. Troy Kingi • 1O 1O 1O Series Five minutes on “What does New Zealand actually sound like?” could go anywhere.
Troy Kingi’s 10|10|10 project is literally 10 albums, in 10 different genres, across 10 years. The tenth was recorded at Abbey Road in August 2026. MMF AOTEAROA
The ten are:
- Indie garage / dirt blues-soul-rock — Guitar Party at Uncle’s Bach (2016)
- Psychedelic space soul — Shake That Skinny Ass All the Way to Zygertron (2017)
- Deep roots / reggae — Holy Colony Burning Acres (2019)
- 1970s funk — The Ghost of Freddie Cesar (2020)
- Folk — Black Sea Golden Ladder (2021)
- ’80s synth-pop — Year of the Ratbags and Their Musty Theme Songs (2022)
- Ambient / instrumental soundscape — Time Wasters: Soundtrack to Current Day Meanderings (2023)
- Desert / stoner rock — Leatherman & the Mojave Green (2024)
- Hip-hop / R&B — Night Lords (2025)
- Cinematic orchestral / Bond themes — Yort, Ignik Yort (2026) — ten imaginary James Bond themes with orchestral arrangements, recorded at Abbey Road Studios. MMF AOTEAROA
The particularly mad thing is that he didn’t just dabble in ten genres: each one is a full album conceived around that musical world. His own site describes everything from deep-roots reggae and ’70s funk to ambient instrumentals and desert rock as distinct instalments in the project. Troy Kingi • 1O 1O 1O Series
So the clean FAFO line is: “Troy Kingi spent ten years making ten albums in ten completely different genres — and finished the whole thing by recording an imaginary James Bond soundtrack at Abbey Road.”
Culture — Guy Williams: Comedian and host of New Zealand Today, essentially travelling around the country finding strange local people, strange local stories and strange local disputes and treating them with a mixture of genuine curiosity and taking the piss. That’s almost suspiciously FAFO-compatible. Five minutes on “Where should a foreigner go if they actually want to understand New Zealand?” and then get out of his way.
🫠 FAFO Favourites
Learn the lingo & speak like a local!
