The 2030 FIFA World Cup in Spain, Portugal & Morocco is only about 46 moons away (depending on your own set of lunar circumstances) and it promises to be a real doozy. World Cup history is a tale resplendent with stories of triumph against the odds, childhood dreams coming true and unsung heroes becoming legends. As well as dumb idiot losers, wanker fuck ups and teams that are just total bullshit.
But how shall ye learn about these legends, losers and teams that are just total bullshit? Well look no further my wayward friend as I profile all 211 FIFA nations eligible for World Cup qualification. Today, I take a look at Brazil, 5-time winners of the World Cup.
BRAZIL
Eighteen-Time World Cup Losers
Nickname: Seleção
FIFA Ranking: 5 (July 2026)
When one thinks of soccer, the nation of Brazil invariably comes to mind. However, the Seleção has failed to win the World Cup a grand total of 18, yeah that’s right, eighteen times. Kicking off all the way back in 1930, the Brazilians failed to win all 3 of the first ever World Cups, and their journey ever since the inaugural world championship of football has been littered with World Cup failures.
More recently, the team have continued in their disgraceful ways. The team has lost all of the last six World Cups, and while the Seleção have qualified for every single Finals since the tournament’s foundation 92 years ago, they are a national disgrace, a stain on the nation of Brazil. And while the team does have 5 lousy World Cup trophies to show for their efforts, Brazilians spend every moment of their waking lives trying to forget about the 18 (yep, ONE-EIGHT) shameful times the team failed to claim soccer’s greatest prize. Despite their ever presence at the event, Brazil is by far the most unsuccessful greatest ever team in the history of international football.
The Seleção have not won the tournament since 2002, including “early” exits at the 2022 and 2026 World Cups. And while fans of the Joga Bonita are hopeful, odds are that in 2030, world soccer’s all-time worst all-time best team are going add to their already wretched record of failure and fail to win yet another World Cup.
One to watch: Brazilian’s impenetrable COVID Health officials
Little over 5 minutes into the crucial September World Cup qualifier between Brazil and Argentina, local Brazilian health officials were introduced onto the field. The defenders of public health effectively thwarted any further attacks by the COVID quarantine rule-breaching Argentinian team and Brazil, meaning Brazil was able to avoid defeat to their South American archrivals. The defense of the Brazilian health officials held out strong and not only stunted any possible attacks by La Albiceleste, but it also meant the Seleção wouldn’t lose the crucial qualifier. It was truly a masterclass in how to stop the Messi-lead Argentinian attack and we can only hope to see more of it from Brazilian health officials at the World Cup in Qatar come November.
The Highpoint: I suppose…. 1958, 1962, 1970, 1994 and the 2002 World Cup winners
Despite Brazil having failed at an incredible total of 18 World Cups, the team has however managed to salvage some dignity over the years by winning five. Brazil fans will never get over the fact that the team has lost a disastrous 20 matches at the World Cup Finals, but it’s of some consolation that they have at least happened to win 79 (among them 5 Finals). These meagre five (yeah that’s right, just five) Final wins won’t stop Brazilians from thinking that they and their team are complete failures and loser scum of the international soccer world, but it may at least help them sleep at night.
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