You're in Moscow. Can you have a nice time?

<style> img { max-width:100%; max-height: 100%; } </style><img src="https://whyyoudo.it/wp-content/uploads/2021/05/wp6397740.jpg"> You land at Sheremtyevo, Moscow's major international airport. After the plane screeches to a halt and the captain announces everyone has 20 seconds to get off the plane before the armed flight staff open fire, you excitedly step off the aircraft directly into the forest, giddy with anticipation of what Russian adventures lie ahead. You're fascinated by Russia, its culture, its history, Russian ballet and the writing of Tolstoy and Dostoyevsky. In fact, you love these things almost as much as you love your partner, hamburgers or track and field events that involve throwing objects angrily at grass. You can't wait to see what the Russian capital's all about. And there's no better way to do it than with your own set of wheels. <div class="action"> [[Wow. Can't believe I'm finally here. Okay, enough dawdling, into the forest I go, in search of a car rental desk. ->choice 1]]</div> <div class="action"> [[Actually, nah. I want to fly back home, please.]]

<style> img { max-width:100%; max-height: 100%; } </style> <img src="https://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/d/d6/STS120LaunchHiRes-edit1.jpg"> The nice car rental agent hands you the keys and then departs into outer space. You're anxious to find out what kind of car he's given you because you've got a thing about driving in big city traffic, even in a car that's tiny. It makes you super anxious, which in turn usually leads to road-related disasters caused by you. You're going to have to keep your cool on the road. To make matters worse however, a newscast on a nearby television that someone is hoisting above their head tells you that Moscow is officially the city with the worst traffic in the world. <div class=action> [[Go check out the rental car you've been given.->Look at the rental car you've been given]] </div>

<style> img { max-width:100%; max-height: 100%; } </style><img src="https://blog.trueaccord.com/wp-content/uploads/2017/09/2016_H_M_Suit_019_sRGB.jpeg" width="800" height="400" /> You commit suicide, meaning you are dead now. Due to your newly-confirmed dead body and brain, you did not manage to have a nice time in Moscow. Sorry! <div class="action"> [[↻ Start over. ->start]] </div>

<style> img { max-width:100%; max-height: 100%; } </style><iframe width="560" height="315" src="https://www.youtube.com/embed/qs1bbJFLLN8" title="YouTube video player" frameborder="0" allow="accelerometer; autoplay; clipboard-write; encrypted-media; gyroscope; picture-in-picture" allowfullscreen></iframe> Sweet. You take the keys, make sure you've got everything and then gleefully spend the next 4 minutes doing the Macarena. <div class="action"> [[Do it. Do the Macarena. ->Do the Macarena.]]

<style> img { max-width:100%; max-height: 100%; } </style> <img src=https://s1.it.atcdn.net/wp-content/uploads/2019/09/St-Peters-Basilica-moscow-800x600.jpg> For years, seeing Moscow has been a dream of yours. And now you're finally here. <div class="action"> [[Yes, you are correct. I am in Moscow.]] </div>

<style> img { max-width:100%; max-height: 100%; } </style> <img src="https://i.dailymail.co.uk/i/pix/2008/06/19/article-0-01A9B82E00000578-773_468x490.jpg"> "Okay, yes very fine," the nice car rental place man says. "You want a rent cars. Okay yes, this is good. But before we give you the rent cars we need you to answer a question. The question is... Do you know what cars is?" <div class=balloon> [[Yes of course. Cars is the small moving box that is an effective way to kill dogs and other escaped house pets that can potentially slow your trip to the local supermarket. ->choice 5]] <div class=balloon> [[Yes, I do. Cars is an object used by families so they can travel and scream at each other and then get nude and then travel and scream at each other more the following day."->choice 5]] <div class=balloon> [[Yes I do. Cars is the place where you can go at night, lock the doors in the darkness, do depression and regret 100% of your life's decisions.->choice 5]]"</div>

<style> img { max-width:100%; max-height: 100%; } </style> <img src="https://i.dailymail.co.uk/i/pix/2008/06/19/article-0-01A9B82E00000578-773_468x490.jpg"> You search the forest up and down and finally find a car rental desk. "Welcome to car rental place," the friendly attendant says. "You want cars. You want cars. Yes?" <div class="balloon"> [[Yes please. I'll take 1 cars please.->choice 3]] <div class="balloon"> [[Yes thank you.->choice 3]] <div class="balloon"> [[Um, actually, you know what... Nah, don't worry about it.->choice 4]] </div>

<style> img { max-width:100%; max-height: 100%; } </style><img src="https://i.dailymail.co.uk/i/pix/2008/06/19/article-0-01A9B82E00000578-773_468x490.jpg"> "Oh. Wow. Very good and nice," he says. "It is clear that you know very well what cars is. Congratulations. Here is the car we have for you today. Bring this one back in a soon please. 1 soon please. Okay goodbye." He points to your vehicle, throws the key at you and then disappears into outer space. <div class="action"> [[Cooly catch the key with ease and then say "Got it". ->choice 6]] <div class="action"> [[Panic and awkwardly try to catch it, trip, stumble and tumble into a nearby cravass. ->end 3]]" </div>

<style> img { max-width:100%; max-height: 100%; } </style><img src="https://i.dailymail.co.uk/i/pix/2008/06/19/article-0-01A9B82E00000578-773_468x490.jpg"> "No?," he says. "Okay." He then calls out to someone. "Alexei!" he screams. "Please follow our head of HR, Alexei," he then tells you. <div class="action"> [[Look to see who Alexei, the head of HR, is.->Look to see who Alexei, the head of HR, is]] </div>

<style> img { max-width:100%; max-height: 100%; } </style><img src=https://cdni.rbth.com/rbthmedia/images/2018.01/article/5a70826285600a1f376bf4cb.jpg> "You follow me," Alexei says. <div class="balloon"> [["Okay. I follow you, Alexei."->end 1]] </div>

<style> img { max-width:100%; max-height: 100%; } </style><img src="https://www.thesun.co.uk/wp-content/uploads/2020/11/667e2333-e1a4-440b-a997-1d70b417d732.jpg"> You follow Alexei and after a short helicopter ride and overnight train, you arrive at Ozersk, codenamed City 40, otherwise known as "The Graveyard of the Earth". Ozersk was the birthplace of the Russian atomic weapons programme and although to this day, fruit and vegetables are still checked with geiger counters before being sold, in his best American accent, Alexei tells you "It's all good, girlfriend." He then lifts you over his head and carries you 4 miles to the edge of one of the nuclear plant's cooling towers, at which point he tosses you in. On your freefall down, you can't help but think this is not how you had expected your trip to Moscow to be. You land at the bottom of the tower and unfortunately it's a landing that results in your instant death by way of explosion of your brain, heart and all other organs. Alexei heads back to work at the car rental place, while you are now a dead person. You failed in your attempt to have a nice time in Moscow. <div class="action"> [[↻ Start again->start]] </div>

<style> img { max-width:100%; max-height: 100%; } </style><img src="https://whyyoudo.it/wp-content/uploads/2021/05/truck-ocean.jpeg"> You drove your rental vehicle (gigantic truck) into the ocean. You're either dead or in quite serious pain now. That means you did not have a nice time in Russia. Oh no! <div class="action"> [[↻ Start over.->start]] <div class="action"> [[Go back to checkpoint.->Look at the rental car you've been given]] </div>

<style> img { max-width:100%; max-height: 100%; } </style> <img src="https://i.ytimg.com/vi/r22wGeBDJdw/maxresdefault.jpg"> Wow. As you pull your gigantic 18-wheeled noisy nightmare out of the car rental parking lot, it hits you–you are in Russia! And now you can go wherever you want! <div class="balloon"> [[Sick. I'm in Russia and I can go wherever I want!->go where I want.]] </div>

<style> img { max-width:100%; max-height: 100%; } </style><img src="https://ironhorsetransportinc.com/wp-content/uploads/2017/08/truck-driver-behind-wheel-driving-during-day.jpg"> You beeline it straight for Grozny, 1850km south, to witness the annual World War II Military Parade at Dinamo Stadium. <div class="action"> [[Head south to Grozny.->Drive to Grozny.]]

<style> img { max-width:100%; max-height: 100%; } </style><img src="https://cdn.rbth.com/all/2017/06/26/Bolshoi/01-20121107_gaf_rr10_004.jpg"> You head towards the Bolshoi theatre. As you're bookin' it at the speed of light on the highway, you hop on your phone and book tickets to see the ballet there tonight. <div class="action"> [[Keep tearing down the highway at a lot of km/h.->Keep tearing down the highway at about 1000 km/h.]] <div class="action"> [[Get distracted and start looking at some average porn on your phone instead.->porn 1]]

<style> img { max-width:100%; max-height: 100%; } </style><img src="https://mickhartley.typepad.com/.a/6a00d83451ebab69e201a73dd13101970d-pi"> You hit the bricks, excited to see one of Moscow's historical gems, but just as you pull out of the car park... ugh, yuck... Gridlock! <div class="balloon"> [[Arghh.->Traffic end]] </div> <div class="balloon"> [[Yikes.->Traffic end]] </div> <div class="balloon"> [[Yeeesh.->Traffic end]] </div> <div class="balloon"> [[Yeesh and yikes.->Traffic end]] </div> <div class="balloon"> [[Glurgh.->Traffic end]] </div> <div class="balloon"> [[Trflllurlf.->Traffic end]] </div> <div class="action"> [[Reverse the truck back over the cars behind you and go back to where you just came from.->go where I want.]] <div class="action"> [[Push on.->Traffic end]] </div>

<style> img { max-width:100%; max-height: 100%; } </style><img src="https://i2-prod.mirror.co.uk/incoming/article9525819.ece/ALTERNATES/s1200c/Tory-MP-shames-Edinburgh-parking-attendant-who-tickets-Polish-tourists-despite-Christmas-fee-relaxat.jpg"> You pull up at the entrance to the stadium parking and the gate attendant hands you a ticket. "не забудьте отобразить это в окне панели инструментов. Наслаждайся игрой! Увидимся больше никогда! (//Remember to display this on your dashboard window. Enjoy the parade and see you never again!//) he says to you. You thank him, enter the parking lot and park your truck. <div class="action"> [[Park.]]

<style> img { max-width:100%; max-height: 100%; } </style><img src="https://static.themoscowtimes.com/image/article_1360/32/4fa02161e2664dd88cf6155c39d36101.jpg"> At the very moment you are acknowledging trucks, Chechen president Akhmad Kadyrov happens to be walking by. "Oh", he shouts, seeming to recognize you. "Welcome to the Chechen Republic. You must be the tourist! The tourist who came to Russia to try enjoy it... Yes?" <div class="balloon"> [[Yes, that is me.->Yes that is me.]] <div class="balloon"> [[Wait, what do you mean 'the tourist'?-> Wait what do you mean 'the tourist'?]]

<img src="https://static.dw.com/image/1004461_403.jpg"> "Very fine," he says in smooth, sexy English. "I'm thrilled to have you here in the Chechen Republic. Welcome. Welcome to the thing I just mentioned, the Chechen Republic." <div class="balloon"> [[Thanks be to you, and please thank you and your families and all the locals, please.->"Wow. Okay. Yeah that's me. Please thank you and all the billions of people for me."]]

<style> img { max-width:100%; max-height: 100%; } </style><img src="https://whyyoudo.it/wp-content/uploads/2021/05/Screen-Shot-2021-05-16-at-6.31.02-pm.png"> "You are the tourist that came to Russia to try enjoy it," he says. "Everyone knows this. You were all over the news services. All of us, all 100 billion Russians and 14 million of us Chechens here in the Chechen Republic are thrilled to have you in the Chechen Republic, the place where you currently are. The Chechen Republic is a good place to be and that is where you are right now." <div class="balloon"> [["Wow. Okay. Yeah that's me. Please thank you and all the billions of people for having me."->"Wow. Okay. Yeah that's me. Please thank you and all the billions of people for me."]]

<style> img { max-width:100%; max-height: 100%; } </style><img src="https://encrypted-tbn0.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcRjt_XRZEuIFOfbMJPO879L6K8P3pFZ50jA_g&usqp=CAU"> "I shall do that. Oh yes, I shall," he says. "Hey, I'm the guest of honour at this thing today," he continues, pointing to the stadium, where today's parade celebrating the excellence of World War II is going to take place. "Why don't you join me?," he continues. "I can introduce you to all the large angry men with war medals all over their clothing. These men have many shiny medals all over their clothes for doing war real good on other people. The medals are shiny and they are attached everywhere to their clothing and the men look at each other and each other's lots of medals and comment on each other's shiny medals, which they got because they warred better than others warred. Do you know about wars? Oh you know what... don't worry, I can explain the wars to you later during the parade... C'mon, join me. "What do you say?" <div class="action"> [[Accept his offer, stoked that you'll get to see this authentic cultural experience with the president of the Republic.->choice 12]] </div> <div class="balloon"> [[Hmmm no thanks. I am busy on that day. I'm going back to Moscow. See ya.->go where I want.]]

<style> img { max-width:100%; max-height: 100%; } </style><img src="https://www.ready.gov/sites/default/files/2019-09/hero_nuclear_blast.jpg"> Whoops. Big mistake. You join Kadyrov as his guest of honour and take your seats in the VIP area of the main grandstand. Any other year, it wouldn't have been a problem, but this is 2004 and as you're eating popcorn, watching the commemoration, with Kadyrov telling you that "War is a thing that humans do to each other's bodies because they are bored," there's a massive blast beneath you. It rips through the entire stadium and you are instantly disintigrated into 0 remaining pieces. If only you or Akhmad Kadyrov had known that during recent maintenance work Chechen seperatists had an explosive device built into the arena's support columns, in order to assasinate your new (but now exploded) friend. One day, the pieces of you may be collected and then reconstructed to bring you back to life, but until the day that is possible, for now, you shall go on existing as a dead person. Damn. Well, all in all, your time in Grozny wasn't too bad, but in the end, you did not have a nice time in Moscow, so yeah, that means you lose. <div class="action"> [[Go back to checkpoint.->choice 10]] <div class="action".> [[↻ Start over.->start]]

<style> img { max-width:100%; max-height: 100%; } </style><img src="https://www.mntnfilm.com/img/cache/14936-poster-a-trapped-in-a-glacier-2014-01509-o-.jpg"> Yikes. You try to do a simple thing like catching the key the agent throws at you, but in doing so, you fail miserably like an idiot, trip and after falling into a glacial crevasse, you get trapped, like the dude in 127 Hours. Much like the 127 Hours guy (whose name was 127 Hours Larry) you while away the days contemplating life, masturbating, and systematically plotting your next move, should help never arrive. Unlike 127 Hours Larry however, no one gives a shit about you and a major motion picture is never made about you. You live out the rest of your days in the crevasse until one day where every single one of your internal organs suddenly seizes, overheats and melts. You continue living, but your life stuck in the crevasse is the never the same. So, long story short: You didn't have a nice time in Moscow. Sorry! <div class="action"> [[↻ Try again.->start]] </div>

<style> img { max-width:100%; max-height: 100%; } </style><img src="https://whyyoudo.it/wp-content/uploads/2021/05/Screen-Shot-2021-05-16-at-7.33.46-pm.png"> You book Bolshoi tickets as you keep tearing down the road, frothing in anticipation at seeing the ballet, while also just passing the boring time on the road by looking at some average porn on your phone. But then, all of a sudden, a hiccup... <div class="action"> [[Look up from the not bad porn on your phone and through the windscreen to see what the problem is.->look up from watching some not bad porn on your phone and through the windscreen to see what the problem is]] </div>

<style> img { max-width:100%; max-height: 100%; } </style><img src="https://media.istockphoto.com/photos/hand-on-steering-wheel-during-traffic-jam-picture-id652871620?k=6&m=652871620&s=612x612&w=0&h=0vfJQiKIHkwoK3LuDO7bOl6jjsjGF4v2DrsleJKc73c="> You decide to give the Bolshoi one more shot and within seconds you're smack bang back in gridlock again. You're never going to be able to look at ballet dancers doing ballet dancing if you stay stuck in this shit. <div class="action"> [[Kill yourself.->Suicide ]] <div class="action"> [[Push on to the Bolshoi.->Traffic end]] <div class="action"> [[Say "Fuck this. Fuck everything" to yourself, grab a hamburger from the passenger seat and toss it out the window at a pedestrian.->Grab a hamburger from the passenger seat and toss it at a pdestrian just off to the side of the road from you]] </div>

<style> img { max-width:100%; max-height: 100%; } </style><img src="https://whyyoudo.it/wp-content/uploads/2021/05/hand-throwing-a-grenade.png"> You toss the hamburger out the window. <div class="action"> [[Don't think anything of it.->Burger midair]]</div> <div class="action"> [[Think about what a badass you are, chucking hamburgers out the window, onto the street in Motherfucking Russia.->Burger midair]] </div><div class="balloon"> [[KOBEEEEEE... ->Burger midair]] </div>

<style> img { max-width:100%; max-height: 100%; } </style><img src="https://img.bleacherreport.net/img/article/media_slots/photos/002/815/283/94cf95c4f5bf6008f5b751b4df4ebeaa_crop_exact.jpg?w=2975&h=2048&q=85"> Well...," Mario Fernandes says. "...I'll have to ask coach, but yeah, it should be cool." <div class="balloon"> [[Hey, I got a better idea... What do you think of shot put? Can we go play that instead?->Can we go play shotput instead?]] </div> <div class="balloon"> [[Okay, cool.->Drive to Sochi]] </div>

<style> img { max-width:100%; max-height: 100%; } </style><img src="https://64.media.tumblr.com/3d3bdc307d148ddbd17ef723dc5488a5/e55a96cb135e984c-73/s640x960/768d1448513ffc2be1b709a7da6de59bccb7a56d.jpg"> "Hmmm... Yeah, alright. Fuck it," Mario Fernandes says. He decides to ditch his shitty little FIFA world cup quarter-final match in Sochi that night and you and him walk to the local shot put range. <div class="balloon"> [[Nice.->go in]] </div>

<style> img { max-width:100%; max-height: 100%; } </style><img src="https://whyyoudo.it/wp-content/uploads/2021/05/RUSSIA-formation-tactics.png"> While Mario Fernandes plays for Russia, you hang out beside him, having to run up and down the field just because he does. You're so bored and you just cant wait for the dumb game to be over. <div class="action"> [[Keep following Mario Fernandes up and down the big dumb field while he plays his little football game.]]

<style> img { max-width:100%; max-height: 100%;></style> <img src=https://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/5/58/Road_train_%2825%29.jpg> This is your rental vehicle for your time in Moscow. Yikes. <div class=balloon> [[No worries. At least I can still get around.->choice 7]] </div> <div class="action"> [[Commit suicide.->Suicide ]] <div class="action"> [[Express excitement by doing the Macarena and then jumping behind the wheel.->choice 7]] <div class="action"> [[Drive the truck into the ocean.->choice 9]] </div>

<style> img { max-width:100%; max-height: 100%; } </style><img src="https://www.total-croatia-news.com/images/croatia_russia_2018.png"> Thankfully, after 90 mins and 30 minutes of extra time the shit is finally over. Russia lose because they score less points than the other dumb team. Russia score 1 point and Croatia get 2, meaning Croatia move on to the World Cup semi-finals, while Russia are out. Oh well. No biggie. It's just soccer, which is not even a real sport, kind of like fly fishing or spelling bees. But, wait... as Mario Fernandes is leaving the field, the crowd dejected applauds the Russian team after their defeat. You even see a few fans crying, and when you look back at Mario Fernandes, he seems upset. Shit. This wasn't expected. Maybe this game really was important to him. Who knows really, but you should check if he's alright, and also if he's still up for driving back to Moscow tonight to go play shot put. <div class="balloon"> [[Damn, that sucks. Oh well... Shotput?->Mario bad end]] <div class="balloon"> [[Shit, sucks you lost. Anyway, I'm ready to go do shotput whenever you are.->Mario bad end]] <div class="balloon"> [[So.... shotput?->Mario bad end]]

<style> img { max-width:100%; max-height: 100%; } </style><img src="https://thumb.besoccer.com/media/img_news/agencia-efe_multimedia_3676517.multimedia.photos.14382181.file.jpg?size=1000x"> "Sorry," Mario Fernandes says. "I don't feel like it anymore. Not only did I just miss my penalty in a World Cup quarter final, but my team also lost and has been knocked out of the tournament. In the sport I play known as football ball, losing a match is the opposite of what you aim to do, and that is what we just did. "Rain check?" he asks you. <div class="action"> [[Ugh, fine. Yeah. Whatevs.->Mario end final]] </div>

<style> img { max-width:100%; max-height: 100%; } </style><img src="https://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/c/ca/M%C3%A1rio_Fernandes_2018.jpg"> Oh no. Mario Fernandes isn't in the mood to go play shot put anymore. And it's gonna be at least a couple hours before he's up for the 22 hour drive in your truck from Sochi back to Moscow to go shot put. Not only that, your truck is boxed in inside the car park, due to a Monster Truck Rally taking over the stadium scheduled for tomorrow night, so you're stuck, nowhere near Mosccow, and having a bad time. Oh well, you tried, but you still failed. What a waste. You did not have an okay time in Moscow. Sorry, bye! <div class="action"> [[Go back to checkpoint->"ugh. I guess. What the fuck should I do though while you play your little game though?"]] <div class="action"> [[↻ Start again->start]] </div>

<style> img { max-width:100%; max-height: 100%; } </style><img src="https://whyyoudo.it/wp-content/uploads/2021/05/poster504x498f8f8f8-pad600x600f8f8f8.jpg"> You did it! All night, you and Mario Fernandes do shot put. You shot put, he shot puts, you shot put, he shot puts, back and forth you conduct shot put like a couple of crazy cunts. So sick. Not only do you you shot put your asses out, you also swap a bunch of stories, have a lot of laughs and polish off an entire bottle of beer together. It's one of the greatest nights of your life. You and Mario Fernandes shot put your brains out all the way until 9pm, at which point the unhappy owner of the joint comes over and yells at you that they're closed. It's clear he hates his life and wishes he were dead. What a night! Congratulations! You had a good time in Moscow! Bye! <div class="action"> [[↻ Start again.->start]] <div/>

<style> img { max-width:100%; max-height: 100%; } </style><img src="https://ih1.redbubble.net/image.800757004.0360/ssrco,slim_fit_t_shirt,womens,101010:01c5ca27c6,front,square_product,600x600.jpg"> You go inside and you and Mario Fernandes head to the locker room to change into more appropriate shotput attire. <div class="action"> [[Change.->Change into your shotput gear]]

<style> img { max-width:100%; max-height: 100%; } </style><img src="https://www.sport-transfer.eu/gfx/big/1572125636.1716.jpg"> Alright. You're all set, and so's Mario Fernandes. You walk out to the throwing circle to do shot put – the sport where you get to be angry, scream and throw cannon balls at grass. You don't need to actually hate grass to be a good shot putter, but it helps. The best shot putters are the ones that hate the short vegetation known as grass the most, and when throwing, can best channel the greatness of alternative flat ground textures, such as dirt and gravel. Ahhhh shot put... The smell of the iron, the taste of the chalk, the tightness of your leotard. You fucking eat this shit up. To you, shot put absolutely fucks. And after sharing a few crazyass shot put stories, weirdly, Mario Fernandes feels the same way! You and Mario Fernandes are ready to start shot putting. <div class="balloon"> [[Let's rock.->warm up]] <div class="balloon"> [[Wait. But do I hate grass?->Wait, do I hate grass?]] </div>

<style> img { max-width:100%; max-height: 100%; } </style><img src="https://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/thumb/5/5a/Shot_put_ball.JPG/995px-Shot_put_ball.JPG"> Nice! Not a bad shot put to kick things off. <div class="action"> [[Get ready to go again.->Shot put again 1.]]

<style> img { max-width:100%; max-height: 100%; } </style><img src="http://www.freelapusa.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/11/Shot-Put-on-Ground.jpg"> Ugh... damn it. That was a shit one. Oh well, it's Mario Fernandes' turn now. <div class="action"> [[Cheer Mario Fernandes on as gets ready to do a shot put.->Untitled Passage]] <div class="action"> [[Racially vilify Mario Fernandes as he gets ready to shot put.->Untitled Passage]] </div>

<style> img { max-width:100%; max-height: 100%; } </style><img src="https://thumbs.dreamstime.com/b/shot-put-balls-near-throwing-ring-competition-52207113.jpg"> Shit yeah. What a throw by Mario Fernandes. This is so much fun... you could stay here shot putting all night. <div class="action"> [[Stay all night shot putting with Mario Fernandes.->win]] <div>

<style> img { max-width:100%; max-height: 100%; } </style><img src="https://static.ffx.io/images/$width_800%2C$height_450/t_crop_fill/q_86%2Cf_auto/7cb876bb12ba0d3469e2c2170868d1eb2c480509"> You head to the border checkpoint with Russia-annexed Crimea and floor it through the checkpoint, knocking over several traffic cones and in the process, startling the Russian border soldiers. "Hey!," one of them shouts at you as you steam past at 125 km/h. "Stop! Didn't you not notice the traffic cones you just toppled over?" he shouts, not really expecting a reply or explanation from you. At the same time, one of the other Russian soldiers sighs lamentedly at the avoidable damage you have caused to their road safety equipment. Your heinous act of border crossing terrorism is celebrated by Ukrainians across the country and you spend the next 2 weeks on the national TV and radio circuit, being interviewed by every local news outlet under the grey Ukrainian sky. But unfortunately the cheers and adulation of Ukrainians, whilst nice, are not what you came here for. You came to have a nice time in Moscow, and you did not do that. You lose. <div class="action"> [[Go back to checkpoint.->go where I want.]] <div class="action".> [[↻ Start over.->start]]

<style> img { max-width:100%; max-height: 100%; } </style><img src="https://whyyoudo.it/wp-content/uploads/2021/05/Screen-Shot-2021-05-10-at-10.42.04-pm.png"> You decide to hit the road bound for Norilsk, a forced labour camp from the Soviet era. Problem is, Google Maps can't calculate the directions or estimated driving time for this Gulag destination. <div class="action"> [[Say 'Fuck it' and just head in that direction anyway.]] <div class="action"> [[Say 'Fuck it' and do something else.->go where I want.]]

<style> img { max-width:100%; max-height: 100%; } </style><img src=https://eurasianet.org/sites/default/files/styles/article/public/2020-04/1440px-Mere_stone_between_China_and_Russia_-_panoramio.jpg?itok=w3Ndu5G9"> You decide to drive the 110 hours and 8,200km to Khaborovsk in Russia's far east and then cross the border into China. You were supposed to have an okay time in Moscow, but instead you immediately bailed. And now you're almost 10,000 kilometres away in The People's Republic of China. So do the math... sure, China's cool and all, but think about it... You're in China now, after choosing to drive there seconds after getting to Moscow... do you think you successfully managed to have a good time in Moscow? No. <div class="action"> [[Go back to checkpoint.->go where I want.]] </div>

<style> img { max-width:100%; max-height: 100%; } </style><img src="https://i2-prod.dailystar.co.uk/incoming/article19324490.ece/ALTERNATES/s615b/City-40-Russia-1656711"> You decide to hit the road for the 24 hour, 1800km drive to Ozersk, otherwise known as City 40. The town was the birthplace of Russia's nuclear program and today remains shrouded in secrecy. No one comes in and no one goes out without a state-approved reason. Upon arrival in Ozersk, you are greeted by a friendly tour guide, named Alexei. Nice! It's going to be so much more enjoyable to see this strange place with the help of a local! <div class="action"> [[Say hi to Alexei.->Look to see who Alexei, the head of HR, is]] <div class="action"> [[Say howdy to Alexei.->Look to see who Alexei, the head of HR, is]] </div>

<style> img { max-width:100%; max-height: 100%; } </style><img src="https://scx2.b-cdn.net/gfx/news/hires/2011/whatcausestr.jpg"> Oh fuck. Gridlock. "Fuck this," you think to yourself. You can't believe that this is happening to you. What are the chances?? The one time you rent a semi-trailer in the city with the world's worst traffic and you're stuck in some bullshit ass traffic jam. This could only happen to you. Fucking bullshit. <div class="action"> [[Sit patiently in traffic.]] <div class="action"> [[Sit impatiently in traffic.->Traffic end]] </div>

<style> img { max-width:100%; max-height: 100%; } </style><img src="https://d3bzyjrsc4233l.cloudfront.net/news/Empty_Road.png" width="700" height="450"> You sit patiently in traffic and it pays off–the traffic clears! <div class="action"> [[Scream "Hell yeah" and go back to where you started.->go where I want.]] <div class="action"> [[Give the Bolshoi one more crack.->shit]]

<style> img { max-width:100%; max-height: 100%; } </style><img src="https://i.pinimg.com/originals/a2/7d/e2/a27de2ff8078560bcb60b43693941358.gif"> So, you're in Moscow... where do you want to go? <div class="action"> [[Drive into the ocean.->choice 9]] </div> <div class="action"> [[Drive to the border with annexed Crimea and plough straight past the ominously positioned fleet of Russian tanks and through the checkpoint into "Ukraine".->Drive to the border with annexed Crimea and plough straight past the ominously positioned fleet of Russian tanks and through the checkpoint into Ukraine. ]] </div> <div class="action"> [[Drive to the Dinamo stadium in Grozny to witness the Annual World War II Military Parade.->drive to the Dinamo stadium in Grozny to witness the Annual World War II Military Parade]] </div> <div class="action"> [[Drive to the Bolshoi theatre.]] </div> <div class="action"> [[Head to Red Square.->Head to red square.]] </div> <div class="action"> [[Drive to a Siberian labour camp.]] </div> <div class="action"> [[Drive to Kazan, capital of the Tatar Republic, and reenact what princess Söyembikä of Kazan did after being proposed to Ivan the Terrible.->Drive to Kazan and emulate what princess Söyembikä of Kazan most famously did after being proposed to Ivan the Terrible.]] </div> <div class="action"> [[Drive to St. Petersburg and reenact what Tolstoy's Anna Karenina did at Moskovsky Railway Station.->Drive to St. Petersburg and emulate what Tolstoy's Anna Karenina did.]] </div> <div class="action"> [[Drive to City 40, the birthplace of Russia's nuclear program.->Drive to City 40, the birthplace of Russia's nuclear program]] </div> <div class="action"> [[Drive to China.]] </div>

<style> img { max-width:100%; max-height: 100%; } </style><img src=https://ak.picdn.net/shutterstock/videos/2337623/thumb/8.jpg?i10c=img.resize(height:240) Mario Fernandes orders two hamburgers on Uber Eats. Once they arrive, he then presents them to you and apologises for getting in the way of your original hamburger. After you thank him, he walks off into a nearby river and no one ever sees him again. He's done this sort of thing before but this time it's different because he never comes back. Good one. You ruined Mario Fernandes' life and all of Russia's and CSKA Moscow's future chances of success forever. Nice going, idiot. You lose. <div class="action"> [[Back to checkpoint->mario cleaned up]] </div>

Double-click this passage to edit it.

<style> img { max-width:100%; max-height: 100%; } </style><img src="https://images.daznservices.com/di/library/GOAL/5a/c4/mario-fernandes-russia-2018_i8biftin4fwu1epqh20htnu51.png?t=1689818980&w=2669&h=1500"> "Me likey!" he says. "I will never be able to repay you for the hamburger flavoured joy that you have smashed into my face today, but please let me at least try! "Deal?" <div class="balloon"> [[Hmmmm....->Mario accept]] </div>

<style> img { max-width:100%; max-height: 100%; } </style><img src="https://merger.com/wp-content/uploads/2017/03/Handshake-iStock-512982894.jpg"> <div class="balloon"> [[Yeah, Okay. Deal, I guess.->Deal.]] </div>

<style> img { max-width:100%; max-height: 100%; } </style><img src="https://www.thesun.co.uk/wp-content/uploads/2018/07/NINTCHDBPICT000417153407.jpg?strip=all&w=620&h=413&crop=1"> "Well, if you must know, I'm the running, kicking and red-clothed Russian soccer man, Mario Fernandes," the smelly hungry rando says. <div class="balloon"> [[Wow. It's part-CSKA Moscow, part-Russian international football star and part-recovered starving Brazilian missing person, Mario Fernandes."->You sure?]] </div> <div class="balloon"> [[No way.->You sure?]] </div> <div class="balloon"> [[Jimminy jillickers!->You sure?]] </div> <div class="balloon"> [[Wowwee Wee wah!->You sure?]] </div> <div class="balloon"> [[Hippedy hoppedy!->You sure?]] </div> <div class="balloon"> [[Wowzee wee wallops!!->You sure?]] </div>

<style> img { max-width:100%; max-height: 100%; } </style><img src="https://img.bleacherreport.net/img/article/media_slots/photos/002/815/283/94cf95c4f5bf6008f5b751b4df4ebeaa_crop_exact.jpg?w=2975&h=2048&q=85"> "You said it," the Brazilian-Russian homeless person says. "Thank you so much for your hamburger," he tells you, his tone betraying his ever-present desperation for food, stretching back to his homeless days. "I don't think I can ever repay you, but...," he continues nervously. "...I've just got to play this World Cup quarter final thingy vs Croatia in Sochi tonight," he says. "It goes for like 3 hours, but after it, you've got to let me buy you a hamburger. A hamburger is a kind of wet, sloppy mix of garbage that you can eat, and it is what I would like to purchase for you." <div class="balloon"> [[Ugh... The Football World Cup... isn't that that lame thing that everyone hates?->no understand Mario]] </div>

<style> img { max-width:100%; max-height: 100%; } </style><img src="https://en.pfc-cska.com/upload/iblock/b90/02.jpg"> "The same," he says. <div class="balloon"> [[Jimminy jillickers!->Mario 1]] </div> <div class="balloon"> [[Wowwee Wee wah!->Mario 1]] </div> <div class="balloon"> [[Hippedy hoppedy!->Mario 1]] </div> <div class="balloon"> [[Wowzee wee wallops!!->Mario 1]] </div>

<style> img { max-width:100%; max-height: 100%; } </style><img src="https://www.toptenz.net/wp-content/uploads/2015/05/mcevil2.jpg"> You roll your eyes at the thought of having to attend the biggest and therefore smelliest international event that exists. But you do like hamburgers a lot, so that part of the deal sounds sweet. <div class="balloon"> [[Alright, whatevs. I'll come to your soccer thing. But then I want my hamburger.->Alright, whatever. I'll come to your silly little soccer game]] </div>

<style> img { max-width:100%; max-height: 100%; } </style><img src="https://www.thesun.co.uk/wp-content/uploads/2018/07/NINTCHDBPICT000414610867.jpg"> Mario Fernandes agrees. And he's stoked. <div class="balloon"> [[...Yeah, but what the fuck am I supposed to do for the 3 hours or whatever you're playing your bullshit game? Can I at least hang out on the field or whatever?->"ugh. I guess. What the fuck should I do though while you play your little game though?"]] </div> <div class="balloon"> [[Can I play too, though?->"ugh. I guess. What the fuck should I do though while you play your little game though?"]] </div>

<style> img { max-width:100%; max-height: 100%; } </style><img src="https://content.presentermedia.com/files/animsp/00015000/15918/open_head_explosion_md_wm.gif"> You were determined to see the one of Moscow's most famous attractions, so you continued to sit impatiently in officially the world's worst traffic. 15 days later, you're still there, and the traffic barely budges in the 2 weeks. Soon enough, your head and brain and skull simultaneously blow up. You did not have a nice time in Moscow. <div class="action"> [[Go back to checkpoint.->go where I want.]] <div class="action"> [[↻ Start over.->start]] </div>

<style> img { max-width:100%; max-height: 100%; } </style><img src="https://whyyoudo.it/wp-content/uploads/2021/05/photo-1560281105-d58d81dfc5bc.jpeg"> You cheer Mario Fernandes as he shot puts. <div class="balloon"> [[COME ONNNNNNNNNNN!->shotput 0]] </div>

<style> img { max-width:100%; max-height: 100%; } </style><img src="https://whyyoudo.it/wp-content/uploads/2021/05/burgerme.jpg"> Oh fuck. You totally nailed a rando with your burger. <div class="balloon"> [[Whoopsie.->Park the truck.]]</div> <div class="balloon"> [[Nice!->Park the truck.]]</div> <div class="balloon"> [[KOBE WINS IT AT THE BUZZERRRR!->Park the truck.]]</div> <div class="balloon"> [[TOUCHDOWN!->Park the truck.]]</div> <div class="action"> [[Park the truck.]] </div>

<style> img { max-width:100%; max-height: 100%; } </style><img src="https://whyyoudo.it/wp-content/uploads/2021/05/burger-midair.png"> You're a badass. <div class="balloon"> [[Uh, no doy.->No doy.]] <div class="balloon"> [[I know. But don't tell my mum what I just did.->No doy.]] <div class="balloon"> [[...FOR THE WINNNN...->No doy.]]

<style> img { max-width:100%; max-height: 100%; } </style><img src="https://whyyoudo.it/wp-content/uploads/2021/05/Mario-Fernandes-1-1800x1011.jpg"> Uhhh.... <div class="balloon"> [[Uh-oh.->See who got hit by your airborne hamburger.]] <div class="balloon"> [[...AT THE BUZZERRRRRR...->See who got hit by your airborne hamburger.]] </div>

<style> img { max-width:100%; max-height: 100%; } </style><img src="https://original-content.imgix.net/2019/10/Beard_Food.jpg"> As you stare at the guy you just hit, secretly in awe at your awesome no-look, from-inside-the-truck hook shot, the rando starts to clean up the cheese, egg and burger juice from off of his face. <div class="action"> [[Watch the rando clean himself up, while replaying your awesome no-look, from-inside-the-truck hamburger hook shot in your mind.->mario cleaned up]] </div>

<style> img { max-width:100%; max-height: 100%; } </style><img src="https://www.thesun.co.uk/wp-content/uploads/2018/11/NINTCHDBPICT000447608170.jpg"> <div class="balloon"> [[Mario Fernandes?... The same Mario Fernandes that sustained an injury in a 2018 match against AS Roma?... You sure?->Ugh... The Football World Cup... isn't that that lame thing that every one hates?]] </div>

<style> img { max-width:100%; max-height: 100%; } </style><img src="https://cdni.rbth.com/rbthmedia/images/2018.07/article/5b3f7f2385600a622f4e4eaf.jpg"> "Uh, not really," he says, probably not understanding the question. <div class="balloon"> [[Whatever.->roll your eyes]] </div>

<style> img { max-width:100%; max-height: 100%; } </style><img src="https://whyyoudo.it/wp-content/uploads/2021/05/depositphotos_28996739-MOSCOW-JUNE-13-Cars-stands-in-traffic-jam-on-the-city-center-June-13-2013-Moscow-Russia-Moscow-Mayor-Sobyanin-reconstructs-suburban-railways-to-solve-problem-of-traffic-jams-in-2016.jpg"> Out of concern for the rando, you pull over. <div class="action"> [[Check to see the guy you hit with your hamburger doesn't need medical attention.->Yikes]]

<style> img { max-width:100%; max-height: 100%; } </style><img src="https://whyyoudo.it/wp-content/uploads/2021/05/gettyimages-978848424-612x612.png"> As you shake his hand, you notice something... Dude looks familiar... <div class="balloon"> [[Hey... You look familiar... Who the hell are you?->Check out who the rando actually is.]]

<style> img { max-width:100%; max-height: 100%; } </style><img src="https://en.pfc-cska.com/upload/iblock/b90/02.jpg"> He eventually gets all cleaned up. <div class="balloon"> [[Hey, idiot who got in the way of my hamburger! Because of your poor attitude regarding my jettisoned hamburger, I need you to get me 2 new ones.->end - "Hey, idiot who got in the way of my hamburger! Since you live here, I demand you get me 2 new ones."]] <div class="balloon"> [[Hey smelly, cheese covered rando... What do you think of my hamburger that I launched at your face, eyeballs and earholes?->Hey Mario Fernandes... What do you think of my hamburger that I launched at your face, more specifically the features of your face, such as eyeballs and earholes? ]] </div>

<style> img { max-width:100%; max-height: 100%; } </style><img src="https://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/thumb/d/df/Kazan_Kremlin_Soyembika_Tower_08-2016_img1.jpg/1200px-Kazan_Kremlin_Soyembika_Tower_08-2016_img1.jpg"> You head to Kazan and recreate what the former ruler of Tatarstan, princess Söyembikä of Kazan did after Ivan the Terrible proposed to her, by waving to the beloved locals, becoming overcome with emotion and then jumping off the 7-storey Söyembikä tower and killing yourself. Whoops. You probably should have learnt a bit more about local Tatar history and, in particular, Ivan the Terrible's marriage proposal to the Princess in the mid-16th century. Because after proposing (and demanding she move with him to Moscow), the princess agreed, but only on the condition he first build her a 7-story tower. Once the tower was completed, she became so overwhelmed with love for her people that she jumped to her death from the top tier. Wow. You did manage to accurately reenact an iconic part of Tatar history but, unfortunately, at the same time you also killed yourself. Sorry! <div class="action"> [[Go back to checkpoint.->go where I want.]] <div class="action"> [[↻ Start over.->start]]

<style> img { max-width:100%; max-height: 100%; } </style><img src="https://cdn.britannica.com/s:800x450,c:crop/48/76748-138-B7B4BF13/side-view.jpg"> You shotput. <div class="action"> [[Shotput.->shotput 1]] </div>

<style> img { max-width:100%; max-height: 100%; } </style><img src="https://whyyoudo.it/wp-content/uploads/2021/05/EVAe7_cU0AYMvd_.jpg"> Mario Fernandes shotputs. <div class="action"> [[Watch.]] </div>

<style> img { max-width:100%; max-height: 100%; } </style><img src="https://media.aws.iaaf.org/media/Medium/e94faada-07ca-496d-8043-15152ca57f3d.png?v=-1602664229"> That really was a nice shot put. Alright, your turn. <div class="balloon"> [[My turn.->shot put 3]] </div>

<style> img { max-width:100%; max-height: 100%; } </style><img src="https://whyyoudo.it/wp-content/uploads/2021/05/gettyimages-1167090708-612x612.jpg"> Mario Fernandes shotputs again. <div class="balloon"> [[YEAH! GET IT SON!->Cheer Mario Fernandes on as he shotputs]] </div>

<style> img { max-width:100%; max-height: 100%; } </style><img src="https://assets.atlasobscura.com/media/W1siZiIsInVwbG9hZHMvYXNzZXRzLzA1NjBkYmEwLTI4MjEtNDY2Ni1iYTU1LTQ5ZGEyNTFkNjI2NjZmMjFlY2JhYTlkMzliYzNmM19pY2Uucm9hZHMuMS5oaS5yZXMuanBnIl0sWyJwIiwiY29udmVydCIsIiJdLFsicCIsImNvbnZlcnQiLCItcXVhbGl0eSA4MSAtYXV0by1vcmllbnQiXSxbInAiLCJ0aHVtYiIsIjEyODB4PiJdXQ/ice.roads.1.hi.res.jpg"> You don't give a shit about Google not knowing where you're going or how to get there and just smash it through the tundra for Siberia anyway. <div class="action"> [[Smash it through the tundra.->Go straight.]]

<style> img { max-width:100%; max-height: 100%; } </style><img src="https://live.staticflickr.com/5241/5346201913_58e714aaf9_b.jpg"> <div class="action"> [[Keep going.->drive]]

<style> img { max-width:100%; max-height: 100%; } </style><img src="https://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/d/d1/Ice_road_saimaa.JPG"> <div class="action"> [[Drive more.->Go more.]]

<style> img { max-width:100%; max-height: 100%; } </style><img src="https://whyyoudo.it/wp-content/uploads/2021/05/c0487486-800px-wm.jpg"> Eventually, after driving for fuck knows how long, you're finally here! The Norbilsk labour camp! And as you roll up to the camp looking for a spot to park, would you believe it–there's a job opening! <div class="action"> [[Apply.]]

<style> img { max-width:100%; max-height: 100%; } </style><img src="https://c1.staticflickr.com/1/962/41985564621_b36222e200_o.jpg"> You apply and after a seemingly unneccesary gruelling series of interviews, you get the job! Downside is that the job is not even close to what you graduated in and you spend the next eternity wasting your university education getting scientifically experimented on, chopping down trees with a handsaw and digging at frozen ground with a pickaxe (You minored in economics and HR). While at the camp, you do enjoy weekly Movie Night every Thursday, and all the other inmates are generally cool, but apart from that it's full on, torturous unspeakable horror, every single second of the day. In light of the fact you got enslaved in a Gulag labour camp, being forced to do backbreaking tasks all day, every day, you did not have a good time in Moscow. <div class="action"> [[Go back to checkpoint.->go where I want.]] <div class="action"> [[↻ Start over.->start]]

<style> img { max-width:100%; max-height: 100%; } </style><img src="https://i.pinimg.com/474x/65/a2/a0/65a2a09b7fb4c5fa1adfe34c55012a98--fail-pictures-random-pictures.jpg"> <div class="action"> [[Go more.->Keep going.]]

<style> img { max-width:100%; max-height: 100%; } </style><img src="https://i.pinimg.com/originals/57/05/d3/5705d35c76d68d6abad2d51f717be94c.jpg"> <div class="action"> [[Drive more.->Drive more.]]

<style> img { max-width:100%; max-height: 100%; } </style><img src="https://whyyoudo.it/wp-content/uploads/2021/05/5e74ce665557d3c77ebebabe780a110d.jpg"> Because you got bored with driving and were distracted by some mediocre porn, you almost hit a family of ducks crossing the road. Fortunately the ducks survive, but after you spin out of control, you and the truck explode. So, pretty sure you're dead now. You lose. Because you exploded, you did not have a good time in Moscow. <div class="action"> [[Go back to checkpoint.->go where I want.]] <div class="action"> [[↻ Start over. ->start]]

<style> img { max-width:100%; max-height: 100%; } </style><img 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"> You follow Mario Fernandes to Sochi. <div class="action"> [[Tail Mario Fernandes' car all the way to Sochi.]]

<style> img { max-width:100%; max-height: 100%; } </style><img src="https://www.independent.ie/sport/soccer/world-cup-2018/fixtures-and-results/ddc63/37007174.ece/AUTOCROP/w1240h700/ipanews_84881a5d-c58e-4021-9256-17437496fbf6_1"> "Whatever," Cherchesov says. <div class="balloon"> [[Okay, cool. Thanks. ->grudgingly accept his offer, even though you much prefer shotput when it comes to sports]]

<style> img { max-width:100%; max-height: 100%; } </style><img src="https://whyyoudo.it/wp-content/uploads/2021/05/5b349bfa15e9f9316f278a36.jpg"> As you rock up to the Fisht stadium in Sochi, the coach of Russian national team, Stanislav Cherchesov is expectedly waiting at the front gate holding a collection of match programs from the 1994 FIFA World Cup in USA. Cherchesov is a big believer in statistics and analytics, and thinks every player should understand the history of the game so as to write the best future. He also endlessly keeps nagging his players to read this particular program from the 1994 World Cup because it contains a lot of pictures and stats of him back when he used to play. You both slow your vehicles and look for a couple spots. You need to ask Cherchesov if you can hang out with Mario Fernandes on the pitch during the game. <div class="action"> [[Find a parking spot.]]

<style> img { max-width:100%; max-height: 100%; } </style><img src="https://simplifaster.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/05/Male-Athlete-with-Shot-Put.jpg"> Alright, you're all warmed up and loosey-goosey now. Time to shot put your Goddamn brain out. <div class="action"> [[Shot put.->shotput]]

<style> img { max-width:100%; max-height: 100%; } </style><img src="https://media.gettyimages.com/videos/an-athlete-rubs-his-chalky-hands-over-a-shot-put-ball-video-id659523537?s=640x640"> Alright, here we go. <div class="action"> [[Scream and try throw the shot put ball so hard that it kills all the stupid grass everywhere.->Shot put again.]]

<style> img { max-width:100%; max-height: 100%; } </style><img src="https://whyyoudo.it/wp-content/uploads/2021/05/Fisht-Olympic-Stadium-approach-designed-by-Popu.1506072580.9641.jpg"> You and Mario Fernandes both park your vehicles. <div class="action"> [[Go talk to Stanislav Cherchesov.]]

<style> img { max-width:100%; max-height: 100%; } </style><img src="https://whyyoudo.it/wp-content/uploads/2021/05/Fisht-Olympic-Stadium-by-Populous-for-Sochi-2014-winter-games_dezeen_ss_2_784.jpg"> Mario Fernandes asks Cherchesov if it's okay if you hang out on the field with him during the game. <div class="action"> [[Wait for what he says.->What did he say??]]

<style> img { max-width:100%; max-height: 100%; } </style><iframe width="560" height="315" src="https://www.youtube.com/embed/YhLFD3OaXps" title="YouTube video player" frameborder="0" allow="accelerometer; autoplay; clipboard-write; encrypted-media; gyroscope; picture-in-picture" allowfullscreen></iframe> Before you can angrily toss steel balls at grass though, you need to warm up. The last thing you want to do is blow out your shoulder or tear an organ. So before you start, you tell Mario Fernandes to chill for 4-and-a-half minutes so you can loosen up. You find a comfortable patch of dreaded grass and then go through your usual warm-up: Mohammed Khordadian's Persian chanting and aerobics routine. <div class="action"> [[Warm up.->warm up 2]]

<style> img { max-width:100%; max-height: 100%; } </style><img src="https://whyyoudo.it/wp-content/uploads/2021/05/dUnANGH.jpg"> Yeah, you do. <div class="balloon"> [[K, thanks.->warm up]]

<style> img { max-width:100%; max-height: 100%; } </style><img src="https://us.123rf.com/450wm/cetkauskas/cetkauskas1906/cetkauskas190600144/124624994-man-lifting-shot-put-at-a-track-and-field-meet.jpg?ver=6"> You shotput. <div class="action"> [[Scream and throw.]]

<style> img { max-width:100%; max-height: 100%; } </style><img src="https://www.technogym.com/wpress/wp-content/uploads/2018/05/Mario-Fernandes-russia-national-team-gallery6.jpg"> This is mad fun. Mario Fernandes braces to throw again. <div class="action"> [[Watch his throw.->Shot put 5]]

<style> img { max-width:100%; max-height: 100%; } </style><img src="https://whyyoudo.it/wp-content/uploads/2021/05/29094-1.jpg"> Meh. Rubbish. <div class="action"> [[Forget about it.->Shot put 4]]

<style> img { max-width:100%; max-height: 100%; } </style><img src="https://whyyoudo.it/wp-content/uploads/2021/05/croatia-landmines.jpg"> <div class="balloon"> [[Sick, dude. That one went all the way to Croatia.->shotput again]]

<style> img { max-width:100%; max-height: 100%; } </style><img src="https://whyyoudo.it/wp-content/uploads/2021/05/timetravel_lede-1-1300x731.jpg"> Damn. That one ruptured the spacetime continuum. <div class="balloon"> [[Nice one, man.->Damn, what a shotput]]

<style> img { max-width:100%; max-height: 100%; } </style><img src="https://st3.depositphotos.com/1000826/18349/i/600/depositphotos_183498796-stock-photo-truck-dashboard-drivers-hand-steering.jpg"> Once you're done doing the Macarena, you spend 30 seconds figuring out the dos and don'ts of driving a truck and then hit the road. <div class="action"> [[Hit the road.->choice 10]]

<style> img { max-width:100%; max-height: 100%; } </style><img src="https://i.insider.com/5804e95a8d83b400018b4b8c?width=750&format=jpeg&auto=webp"> 22 hours later, you've made it to Grozny, the capital of the Chechen Republic! <div class="action"> [[Sweet. Park the truck.->Park your truck]]

<style> img { max-width:100%; max-height: 100%; } </style><img src="https://3dwarehouse.sketchup.com/warehouse/v1.0/publiccontent/4b5a94cf-d90d-4739-a10a-c9d3dfb04294"> You park the truck, jump down from the cabin and then pause for a second as you have a moment staring at the mega nightmare that is your current mode of transport. You stare blankly at your rental vehicle and try put this moment in the context of your whole life. You're not sure what to say about it all. <div class="balloon"> [[Truck.->choice 11]] <div class="balloon"> [[Trucks.->choice 11]] <div class="balloon"> [[Truck?->choice 11]] <div class="balloon"> [[A trucks.->choice 11]] </div>

<style> img { max-width:100%; max-height: 100%; } </style><iframe width="560" height="315" src="https://www.youtube.com/embed/G-uRIOFrmO4?start=155" title="YouTube video player" frameborder="0" allow="accelerometer; autoplay; clipboard-write; encrypted-media; gyroscope; picture-in-picture" allowfullscreen></iframe> You drive to St. Petersburg, head straight to Moskovsky railway station and immediately jump onto the tracks as a train is screaming out of the station, just like Tolstoy's Anna Karenina did. Your ribcage, skull and body are instantly crushed, just like Anna Karenina's were in her desperate (and successful) attempt to free herself from her life of crippling, abject misery. Whoops. You committed suicide under a train in St. Petersburg just like Tolstoy's Anna Karenina did, which is kind of cool, but unfortunately that also means you did not have a nice time in Moscow. Sorry! <div class="action"> [[Go back to checkpoint.->go where I want.]]

<style> img { max-width:100%; max-height: 100%; } </style><html><head><title></title></head> <body> <h1>You're in Moscow, Russia. Can you have a nice time?</h1> </html> <img src="https://whyyoudo.it/wp-content/uploads/2021/05/istockphoto-185308884-612x612.jpg"> <div class="action"> [[Start.->start]]

<style> img { max-width:100%; max-height: 100%; } </style><img src="https://img.freepik.com/foto-gratis/pareja-envuelta-hoja-patron_149066-1882.jpg?size=626&ext=jpg"> <div class="action"> [[Look at more mediocre porn.->porn 2]]

<style> img { max-width:100%; max-height: 100%; } </style><img src="https://whyyoudo.it/wp-content/uploads/2021/05/Screen-Shot-2021-05-16-at-7.33.46-pm.png"> <div class="action"> [[Look at a bit more average porn.-> porn 3]]

<style> img { max-width:100%; max-height: 100%; } </style><img src="https://cdn.quotesgram.com/img/83/82/43351007-weird-couples-14.jpg"> <div class="action"> [[Check out a bit more average porn.->Pass the time by looking at some average porn on your phone by going to notbadporn.com]]

(unless: (passage:)'s tags contains "no-header")[ <html><head><link rel="preconnect" href="https://fonts.gstatic.com"> <link href="https://fonts.googleapis.com/css2?family=Girassol&display=swap" rel="stylesheet"><span style="color: #006994;"> ''''''ADVENTURE AHOY!''''''</head> </span></span><body><h3>You're in Moscow, Russia. Can you have a nice time?</h3></html><span style="color: gray;"> //MAY 23, 2021//</span> <img src="https://whyyoudo.it/wp-content/uploads/2021/05/istockphoto-185308884-612x612.jpg" width="300" height"200"> ]

<style> img { max-width:100%; max-height: 100%; } </style> <img src="https://whyyoudo.it/wp-content/uploads/2021/05/Screen-Shot-2021-05-24-at-12.38.52-am.png"> Oh, okay. Don't worry about it then. Go home. By the way, you lose. <div class="action"> [[↻ Start again.->init]]